"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." I confessed, "I don't think I trust Kyle as much as I should, and that's affecting our relationship."
This was my plan. I was going to start telling Leo about my personal things on a sentimental level to see if he would open up to me in return. Up until this point, we had only been talking about him and his days, and it was logical that he wouldn't confess anything to me about what was really going on in his love life if he didn't feel the same reciprocity from me.
By telling him about Kyle, I would make sure he felt like I trusted him with these kinds of things, even if what I was going to say to him wasn't entirely true.
Or was it?
I'd been so focused on manipulating this conversation, on using my relationship with Kyle as bait to get Leo to open up, that I hadn't stopped to examine whether what I was saying was actually a lie. I didn't want to think that my feelings for him had returned because I wasn't ready to forgive him yet. So I tried to focus on my conversation with Leo, not on what I was really feeling.
"Why do you feel like you can't trust him?" Leo asked, pulling me back to the conversation.
"I don't really know. I feel like he's not someone I could count on if a problem arose." This part was true; it was one of the reasons we broke up back then. Only the problem hadn't happened yet.
Here I was, plotting to get my brother to open up to me while deliberately keeping my own secrets.What kind of sister did that make me?
But it was for his own good, I reminded myself. To savehim from ten years in prison. To give him the life he deserved. Sometimes the ends justified the means.
"Well, Lily, trust is one of the main pillars of a relationship. If you feel like you can't trust him, then you're destined to fail."
I studied my brother's face as he spoke. There was a maturity there I hadn't appreciated until now. The older Leo had grown wise through pain, through years of loneliness and too much time to think. But this Leo was different. His wisdom didn’t come from suffering. It came from the way he noticed things, the way he cared about people, and the way he paid attention in a way most teenage boys never did.
"You're right," I said. "I think that's why I'm so hesitant. But how do you know when someone is trustworthy? How can you ever be sure?"
"You can't. That's what makes trust so difficult. It's a leap of faith. You give someone the power to hurt you and hope they don't use it."
His words hit uncomfortably close to home. Wasn't that exactly what had happened between Kyle and me? I'd trusted him with my heart, and he'd used that power to hurt me in the worst possible way.
I didn’t want to think it, but it was clear that Kyle hadn’t tried to hurt me now that I’m old enough to understand the situation better. He had been scared and overwhelmed, caught in an impossible situation where someone he cared about was gone, and another person was being blamed. He made the wrong choice, but it came from fear, not cruelty. That did not make the pain any softer. But maybe it made it a little easier to forgive.
"But what if they do?" I asked quietly. "What if they hurt you?"
"You learn from it. You pick yourself up and decidewhether to try again with someone else." He paused. "Or with the same person, if you think they've changed."
The way he said that last part made me wonder if he was talking about more than just my relationship with Kyle. Was he thinking about someone specific? Someone who'd hurt him or might hurt him? Or someone he was afraid to trust with his real feelings?
"When did you get so wise about relationships?"
"I read a lot," he said with a shrug. "And I think a lot. Plus, being with Brandy has taught me some things."
"Who would have thought you're so mature on the subject for your age?"
"Well, I know a little about the subject, I suppose."
And then I took advantage and asked, "Do you trust Brandy completely? Is that what makes your relationship so stable? That you tell each other everything?"
He remained silent for a few minutes, doubtful. "I think so, but we don't tell each other everything."
"Oh no?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light and curious rather than pressing. "And what secrets could you possibly have that she couldn't know?"
I held my breath, hoping, praying that this would be the moment he'd open up to me. Maybe he already knew Jeremy was secretly in love with him and was just playing dumb. Maybe he didn't want more people to find out because he’d feel compelled to reject him. Or maybe he didn't want to acknowledge it because he didn't want to lose his best friend.
"I can't think of anything at the moment," he said, turning his chair back to his desk and putting his headphones back on. "My break is over. Close the door when you leave."
I was disappointed by his abrupt end to the conversation. He still hesitated to open up to me. But what if there was nothing to confess to me?
I slowly stood up, feeling defeated. It was time to see howmuch progress Kyle had really made on his side with Jeremy and make some changes in our plan before it was too late. If we can't get Jer to realize his feelings before the party, we'll have to prevent him from going at all.
I'd come back to fix the past, to save my brother and prevent a tragedy. But what if, in doing so, I stumbled upon a truth I wasn't prepared to face? What if the story I'd believed for ten years, the narrative I'd built my whole life around, was wrong?
