"No," I said, too fast for my taste. I didn't want to be open about my feelings for Lily because she'd made it clear that what I felt wasn't love, it was longing. And part of me felt stupid for still thinking about her. But I decided to go along with it, "I mean, of course I love her, but the problem is bigger than just love."
He studied me for a moment, then nodded, seemingly satisfied with what he saw. "Okay, new approach. Instead of these contrived meetings, let's get to the root of what's holding you back. What are you afraid of?"
I looked at him as if he had grown two heads.
What was I afraid of? Lily hating me forever? Is Leo going to prison again? Oliver dying? All of the above?
I think what I was most worried about was disappointing the people I loved again—not being able to be enough even when I had everything going for me. Talking to Lily right now wasn't just about a stupid crush; it was about trying to show her I was someone different. Someone she could count on now.
I was afraid of being the same person I'd been before. The coward who'd testified against an innocent boy because it was easier than standing up for what was right. The selfish kid who'd run away to Australia rather than face the consequences of his choices. The friend who'd valued his own comfort over someone else's freedom.
Things weren't so easy right now. It's easier for someone to trust you when you're a stranger than when you were someone you once knew and who's already disappointed you.
"I guess I'm afraid of messing things up," I finallysaid. "Of saying or doing the wrong thing and ruining any chance I might have."
Jeremy nodded. "That's actually pretty normal. Most guys just barrel ahead without thinking about the consequences, but you're different. You actually care about getting it right."
"And I just don’t want to get it right, I want to make sure she knows I’m a changed man."
Jeremy tilted his head, considering this. "But isn't that kind of backward? You're so focused on proving you've changed that you're not actually just... being different. You're performing change instead of living it."
This little boy was right again. I started thinking about how upset Lily had been when I forced a kiss on her, how I always wanted to impose what I felt and believed on her over what she felt. Maybe I should make a change from now on if I wanted her to know I was truly different. "You're smarter than you look."
"I know," Jeremy replied with a grin. "It's part of my charm."
"Can I ask you something?" I said, deciding to push my luck a little. This situation wasn't about me, and I needed to move forward on my mission. "You seem to understand relationships pretty well for someone who claims not to be interested in anyone."
"I didn't say I wasn't interested in anyone," he corrected me. "I said not everyone in this school is up to my standards."
"Right. So there is someone."
He crossed his arms and gave a deep sigh, like he needed to think and process my words.
This was more delicate than I'd anticipated. I'd been thinking about Jeremy's feelings as an obstacle to overcome, a variable to manage in our mission to save Leo. But standing here, seeing him trying not to look vulnerable, I realized he wasn't just a plot point in someone else's story. He was a scaredkid dealing with feelings he couldn't safely express, in a world that wouldn't accept him if he did.
And I was using that fear, that vulnerability, to manipulate him into helping with my own agenda.
"Can I tell you something?" Jeremy asked me, lowering his voice. "Something you have to promise not to tell anyone else?"
My pulse quickened.Was this it? Was he going to confide in me about his feelings for Leo?
"Of course," I said, trying not to sound too eager. "I can keep a secret."
Jeremy leaned forward, checking over both shoulders to make sure no one was listening. "I have a crush on someone, too. Someone I really shouldn't."
I forced my expression to remain neutral even as my mind raced. "Why shouldn't you?"
"Because it's complicated. Because it would cause problems if anyone found out. Because..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "Because I can't even say who it is without potentially ruining everything."
"I understand," I said, and I did, more than he could know. "But maybe it's not as hopeless as you think."
Jeremy gave me a skeptical look. "That's easy for you to say. Your crush is on someone normal and acceptable. Mine is..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "Anyway, I have a proposition for you."
"I'm listening."
"I'll help you with Lily, really help you, not just give advice, if you promise to do one thing for me."
"What's that?" I asked, though I suspected I already knew the answer.
