Holding him, I rested my chin on his shoulder. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, love. It was one in a million things to do.” I kissed his ear. “I’m here, and nothing will ever hurt you again.”
Luca nodded and sat quietly, clutching my arms as he curled in on himself. “I thought I had put it all behind me, but sometimes…it comes out of nowhere.”
“I understand. You might not believe this, but I was an angry teenager. If someone made the mistake of saying something cross to me, I would beat the shit out of them. Got myself in lots of trouble until a teacher suggested finding an outlet. That’s how I found hockey. Fighting is legal on the ice, and I internalized a lot of my anger toward my mom.” I held him closer. “I didn’t know how to deal with.”
“Are you suggesting I play hockey to exorcise my demons?”
“Maybe. I could teach you.”
That made him chuckle. “That would be comical. I don’t know how to skate.”
“We can fix that.” I leaned in to breathe him in. “You give me perspective I’ve never had.”
“What do you mean?”
“The more you share about your life, the more I realizeminewasn’t as terrible as I thought. You make me see things through a different lens.”
He kissed my forearm. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive them?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Leaving us and lying about Mason is unforgivable to me. I lost my brother.”
“My mother left me when I was five. Took me into the social services office and left me there.”
My heart ached. I tightened my arms around him. “I’m sorry, love.”
He shrugged. “I try to block it out. Forget it happened. I’d like to think she had a good reason.” He dropped his chin. “It fucked me up.”
I didn’t know how to respond to the last part with anything but an admission of my own. “We’re both a little fucked up, love. I can’t imagine what it was like for you.” I kissed his cheek again and held him tighter. “If I ever get past what they did, it will be because of you. My life was nothing like yours, and I’m almost ashamed of my behavior. I had a parent and a home. I never needed anything.” I hugged him tighter.
“But you were still neglected emotionally, Axel. Your feelings are valid. No one knows what you went through but you.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I appreciated how he hadn’t dismissed my feelings.
“After Christopher went home, my foster parents took in another kid. He was older and picked on me when they weren’t around. I tried to get him to stop, but I was a scrawny kid. One evening, he said he’d stop picking on me if I crawled under the house to get the ball. How bad could it be? So I went under, and he locked me in. It was dark, and there was barely enough room to sit up without hitting my head on the beams. Spiderwebs were everywhere, and I could hear things scurrying around. I screamed and begged to be let out, but he thought it was funny.” His body shook, and I held him closer.
Rage engulfed every cell in my body. “I’m here, love. I’m here.” I kissed his neck and cheek. Luca shook his head, but didn’t respond. “Did you tell anyone?”
“It wouldn’t do any good. I had a panic attack and blacked out. When I stopped screaming, he got scared and opened the door. He pulled me out and took me inside. I woke up dirty on the bed and got in trouble for making a mess. I couldn’t win.”
“Didn’t you tell them what happened?”
“No. He’d just get back at me, and it would be worse next time. It was better to take my punishment and keep my mouth shut.”
“I’m going to need his…”
He patted my arm. “He was killed when he was nineteen. Drive by shooting.”
“Karma is a bitch. He got what he deserved.”
Luca shrugged. “Maybe. I didn’t trust anyone after that. Not a soul. Kept my guard up, a bag packed, and decided I would run away if I needed to. They moved me soon after that. The next one was a good place. I was there for two years. They were kind, and I finally thought I might be okay. But they had to make a choice between three siblings and me. They chose them.”
I felt every blow in my chest. “Why not keep you too?”
“They wanted small kids, and the couple just didn’t have the room for four. It’s easier to move one than to separate three. That’s when I ended up in a group home.”
“How old were you?”
“Fourteen. It’s okay. I survived.”
