So when the doctor came in and confirmed my father wouldn’t need surgery and could go home tomorrow, I slipped out the door.
I knew what I had to do. Heading down the hall to the elevator, I pushed the button harder than necessary as I waited. The entire walk to the car, I tried to figure out why I kept coming back for more hurt from them. Did they even realize what they’d done to me?
The drive to my childhood home gave me time to process some of the hurt. When I pulled into the driveway, I sat in the rental car and looked at the place I’d grown up. Until Matt had gotten sick, my life was ideal. But the three years he battled childhood cancer had not only taken his life but ours as a family, too. And we’d never recovered.
I got out and made my way to the front door. Locating the hidden key inside the hanging fake fern my mother swore no one would ever find, I unlocked the door and went inside.
“Winston!” I called.
The sound of his too-long nails on the hardwood floor made me smile as he came running toward me, whining when he heard my voice.
Squatting down, he all but jumped into my arms. “Hey, boy. How ya doing?” I rubbed him all over as he ran circles around me, not sure what to do with all his excitement.
After Matt died, a grief counselor suggested we get a dog to help us deal with the loss of my brother. But my parents didn’t take that advice even though I’d begged for a dog until a few years ago when I left the service. For whatever reason, they’d managed to cut me even deeper than before.
After I’d fed Winston, I found some clippers and trimmed his nails. His coat needed to be brushed, so I went in search of something to adequately do the job on his golden coat. When I couldn’t find his brush, I settled on my mothers. She’d neverknow if I removed the fur and washed it with her shampoo. He deserved to be taken care of by someone who loved him.
Once he was cleaned up, we’d gone out for a walk around the neighborhood. Not much had changed since the last time I’d stopped by.
When we returned home, I sat on the sofa in the quiet home and looked around. Winston placed his head in my lap as I looked at the walls covered with photos of Matt and a few of me. My senior football photo, one of me in my cap and gown, and the first formal picture of me when I graduated from Basic Training. If I took them down, I would disappear.
Allowing the tears to slip down my face, I ran my hand over Winston as I gave myself thirty minutes to grieve for my family. Then I opened my phone and booked a return flight to Portland for the next morning.
I was determined to go home and get on with my life.
So the next morning, I fed Winston and told him I wished he could come with me and promised to come back to see him.
When I boarded my flight, I had two and a half hours to push down the hurt and become the same person I was before I left. And by the time my plane landed, I was back to the best version of me I could muster, and the one my brothers knew.
I took a deep breath outside the door to the condo before walking in. Austin was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee. By the looks of him, he’d been out for a run and was just now getting his first cup.
“Hey. I’m surprised to see you back so soon. How’s your dad?”
I sat down on the stool and nodded. “He’s going home today. My mom has it under control.”
He nodded slowly. “You didn’t need to stay longer?”
I shook my head and practiced my lie. “Nope. He’s going to be fine, and they knew I needed to get back to work.”
Austin stared at me a minute longer, then gestured toward the coffeemaker. “You want one?”
I stood and stretched. “Nah. I’m going to grab a shower and probably take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night. Just gonna take the day and rest up, maybe hit the gym this afternoon.”
“You gonna talk to John? He looked disappointed when you weren’t here yesterday. Jesse put off the meeting until you returned.” He kept his eyes on me as he sat his coffee cup down and crossed his arms.
“Eventually. Just not today.” I needed to change the subject. “When do you leave?”
Austin sighed as the muscle in his jaw tensed. “Tomorrow morning. I wanna run before I get on a plane for eight hours.”
I nodded. “Yeah, let’s do it. I’ll go with you. Need to get back into my routine.”
“Okay. I’m heading to the office after I shower,” he said, walking toward his bedroom with his coffee in hand.
“Hey,” I called out, making him turn and look at me. “Don’t tell them I’m back yet. I’ll do it later.”
Austin nodded. “Get some rest. Glad your dad’s okay.”
“Yeah, me too. See ya later.”
