I swallow everything I was about to say, and it nearly chokes me. “Okay,” I grit out through clenched teeth.
He puts his hand in mine, and we continue walking along the boardwalk. I shiver when a cool breeze whispers against my naked arms, and Casey pulls me into his side. I close my eyes and breathe in his spicy cologne.
“Are you hungry?” he asks.
My stomach is in knots, but I nod anyway. There’s so much on my mind and I don’t know how to express any of it. I don’t know how he’ll receive it. So, I wrap my arm around his waist and show him that I’m here to listen, even if there’s so much more Iwant to say. But I hold back my persistent thoughts, and I reflect on what he said.
23
Casey
Shit. I feel like such a jerk because Sage is quiet. But for the first time, I felt safe enough to tell someone how I truly feel. I wish I wasn’t such an asshole about it. I try to get us back on track.
“There’s this great burger joint around the corner. I think you’ll love it.”
“I might just grab a smoothie instead. I’m not that hungry.”
My heart sinks. I don’t recognize this morose Sage. She always tells me exactly what she feels.
We walk for another twenty minutes in silence. Every second, and every breath is painful as there’s this tension between us.
I stop and rub the back of my neck. “Shit. I’m sorry, Sage. I can’t take this.”
She stops and her eyebrows draw together. “Take what?”
I point between us. “This. This silence. It’s killing me.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I take it back. Tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about… Tell me I’m an asshole… I don’t care… just tell me what you’re feeling.”
She steps closer to me and the lemon-scent of her essential oil clears the fog from my head. “Fine,” she nods and breathesdeeply through her nostrils before saying, “You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to be you or all the expectations that you carry on your shoulders. But I don’t want what others think to stop you from being happy.” She puts both her hands on my face. “Casey, whatever you decide, and no matter what happens, I will be here for you.”
I swallow and can barely get the words out as they are like sand in my mouth. “What if I fail?”
“Then you fail,” she says matter-of-factly, and I cringe.
I’ve never failed at baseball in my whole life. I’ve had a dream and I just needed to work hard to get it. Nothing stood in my way.
“But just because you fail at baseball doesn’t mean you’re a failure.”
Whoa.
I exhale loudly, my chest shaking from the power of those words.
Fuck. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear them. “It wasn’t supposed to go like this,” I confess.
She nods. “I understand that better than anyone else.”
I look into her eyes and there’s a sadness that I don’t see in them often.
She licks her lips. “I thought the same thing when my parents died. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. My father was supposed to walk me down the aisle. Instead, I took care of him in a hospital bed until his body finally let go. My mother was supposed to make my children their first bracelets the way she made mine. But that dream died a long time ago. I had to move on. I had to create a new life, one without them. It’s hard, but necessary. I know that you’ve got to keep on living, even when life doesn’t seem worth it anymore. You’ve got to keep on living because what is meant for you is on the other side of this pain.”
She places her hand on my chest, and it thaws something inside of me. A barrier I haven’t just built recently, but one I put up a long time ago. One that I thought would protect me from others, but it just kept everyone I loved at a distance.
I inhale a shaky breath and nod. “You’re right. I’ve been scared and bitter. I’m terrified of wanting more and losing it all again. But living like this isn’t working, either.”
She presses on her lips, holding back her emotions as her eyes water. Her intoxicating fragrance surrounds me and my need to stay away crumbles.
