It was an enormous problem for which there was no cure.
9
“Even though he was a train wreck of a man,
as grim as the abyss and as unpredictable as a storm at sea,
I loved the bitter, savage, indomitable creature that lived within him.”
Selene
We’d been back at the penthouse apartment for about five minutes.
We hadn’t even tried to talk in the car; I was too uncomfortable and disappointed, and Neil just didn’t like to talk unless he had to.
I watched attentively as he peered into the refrigerator, searching for something to eat. The doorless arch between the two rooms gave me a view right into the kitchen and allowed me to watch his every movement. He’d already taken off his leather jacket and tossed it onto the couch a few moments before while I stood in the living room still wearing my own coat. I was furious about what Jennifer had told me and by the way Neil himself had behaved, but he seemed to be much more interested in getting a snack. Must be nice; my stomach was closed up tight.
“You hungry?” he asked, pulling out a bottle of water and setting it down on the kitchen counter.
“No,” I answered tartly, letting him know I wanted his undivided attention.
But Neil still seemed uninterested. He grabbed a glass and poured himself some water, which he then sipped in an attitude of total calm. I watched his Adam’s apple bob, his arm flexing, and his biceps contractingas he drank. I couldn’t tell if the white sweater he wore was too tight on him or if he’d just been working out extra hard. I thought about how often I’d dismissed guys in the past for being too muscular or too polished. Neil didn’t take it to excess, though.
His powerful physique was in good proportion with his height, his broad shoulders making him imposing from all angles.
Once again, I felt love constricting my heart as I admired him in a daze. He noticed, putting the glass down on the counter and giving me a smug look.
I was probably just standing there slack-jawed. Damn it!
“You shouldn’t have let Jennifer sit on your lap!” I blurted out. I just couldn’t keep holding back the jealousy I’d been fighting for so long. “And you shouldn’t have had sex with her and Alexia, my God!” I passed a hand through my hair while Neil just furrowed his brow and looked at me in confusion. I usually tried to hide my anger and control the possessiveness I felt over him, but after everything we had been through, after he’d shared parts of his past and finally told me about Kimberly, I deserved a little more consideration from him. “How can you stand to touch other people the same way you touch me? How?” I lashed out at him, stabbing a finger in his direction. I felt like I was burning up, and the fabric of my coat suddenly seemed too tight for my body.
I felt like slapping Neil in the face and getting out of this penthouse.
From the way he was watching me, I knew he could see all the despair I was feeling in my eyes.
He was capable of reflection; he knew perfectly well why that despair was there.
He sighed and rested his hands on the kitchen island, rounding his shoulders slightly. It was going to be difficult for me to calm down, and he knew that. He could not continue to diminish what there was between us. Whatever the true nature of it was, it was clear to both of us that some sort of bond connected us, so he needed to give me a valid reason why he’d done the things he’d done.
“It’s hard to explain,” he answered, his tone flat.
“Try,” I prompted him, trying to catch my breath after my outburst.
“I don’t just have sex with anyone,” he began, trying to clarify the issue for me. “I need to have sex with women who remind me of her…” He looked down at the counter to avoid looking me in the eye.
“Her?” I asked, confused.
“Kimberley. She was blond, shameless, bold, and… I always pick women who look like her…” His jaw clenched uncomfortably. It obviously wasn’t easy for him to tell me this, but I needed to know all of it if I was going to understand him and the sides of himself that he’d kept hidden from the very beginning.
“Why? You should be trying to forget her, not forcing yourself to remember. It doesn’t make sense,” I said, trying to make my voice less accusatory and more nonconfrontational so he might feel a little more comfortable.
If he retreated into his shell again, he’d stop talking to me entirely.
“It makes sense to me,” he answered, raising his eyes to my face. He stared bitterly at me, probably because he thought I was about to judge him. I knew how he couldn’t stand that. “I need to reverse the roles, to squash that feeling of emptiness that presses down on me every day. I need to show myself that no one’s ever going to be able to bend me to their will ever again. The violence I experienced wasn’t just physical; it was psychological too. My dignity was ground down, my soul was violated, and my childhood was stolen from me, and I can never get it back. Kimberly is the monster that lives inside my head, and I’ll never get rid of her,” he said in a soft, resigned voice, allowing his head to hang down.
With each word, my heart bled for him. I didn’t know what to say. All I wanted to do was go to him and wrap my arms around him to show him that I’d always be with him. I stayed right where I was, though, so he couldn’t push me away.
He didn’t like to be touched, especially when he was feeling emotionally exposed.
