Sometimes it would look silver, sometimes gold. And it would show itself every night.
Everyone would see.
It would be outstanding, noble, majestic, and beautiful.
But, more than anything else, it would be far, far away from any sort of pain…
27
“How impolite, this sun.
How unjust, this life.”
Selene
I strolled down the tree-lined street.
The sun delicately caressed my skin.
The air was brisk and sweet-smelling all around me.
Maybe I should have gotten a bouquet of flowers for the occasion? But no, Neil wouldn’t have liked that.
That kind of mushy stuff wasn’t for him; he would always rather have a pack of pistachios.
“Hi, Mr. Disaster…” I knelt down. “How are you? See, I came again to see you today. Did you think I’d forgotten about you? How could I?” I smiled at him.
I wondered if he could see or hear me. I liked to think that he could, that there was some sort of other world where souls had a different kind of life.
“I took my final exam today. Pretty soon, I’ll be graduating myself, and you’ll be right there with me, won’t you?” I stroked the marble tombstone that bore his picture. It was cold to the touch.
“I brought you some pistachios…” I showed him the package with a sorrowful smile before resting it on the warm ground in front of him, amongst the fresh flowers. I traced the image of him with my fingertips. My eyesached and my heart hurt; a tear streaked slowly down my face to settle on my lips, where I could still taste him. It was a taste I guarded jealously because it was the most precious one in all the world.
“I still hear you whispering my name at night when I’m trying to sleep. At school, in class, I feel your hands touching me. I still feel your kisses on my body, your honey-colored eyes all over me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were hurt so much in life, and you deserved to have a second chance. But life is cruel, you know. It takes from those who don’t have anything to give. And sometimes it gives to those who don’t deserve it.” I imagined that I was touching him as I knelt on the earth while the sun eavesdropped on our conversation from high up in the sky.
How impolite, this sun.
How unjust, this life.
“Who would have guessed that you with all your chaos would be the one to make your way inside my heart? You’re a complete weirdo. A total disaster. Way too complicated and unmanageable. And I miss you like I’d miss a limb. I miss watching you draw in your notebook with a cigarette between your lips. I miss your intellect that you tried to hide because you didn’t want the world to see how deep you were, how different from your outward appearance. I miss being able to nag you about smoking too much. I miss your dirty jokes that made me turn bright red and how you’d kiss the tip of my nose. It was so unexpected and so sweet.
“Sometimes, I give my mother a kiss like that, and I think of you. Remember when you called her Ms. Calvin? You were always terrible with names.” I smiled wistfully and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand.
“There are so many beautiful memories of you that I treasure. Every one of them is a part of me. I had never needed grand declarations. All you had to do was look at me and I felt you with me. Your golden eyes could crumble and disintegrate me like a powerful wave crashing down a castle made of sand.” I smiled. I smiled as I clung to that part of my life—the story of us that I would never forget. “Ya pihi irakema…You contaminated me too, Mr. Disaster, and there’s no cure for this disease, you know. There’s no…” my voice broke, and I was incapable of continuing to speak through my sobs.
It wasn’t a life anymore, what I had. It was aprison sentence.
“You asked me to make all those promises to you…and I never said I would, but you left anyway. And that was unfair…that was so incredibly unfair of you.” I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, tears blurring my vision. I struggled for air, my heart aching. I felt like I was being torn in two. I was a cracked and broken pearl who had lost all of my luster because what was a pearl without its shell?
Without Neil, there was nome…
* * *
A hand was stroking my hair tenderly.
I opened my eyes slowly and gave a little yawn. The first thing I saw was the colorless wall in front of me, followed by the machine that monitored vital signs and finally the bed where I’d been resting my head and arms after falling asleep in an extremely uncomfortable chair.
“Was it the same nightmare again?”
