Was it selfish of me to spend an afternoon just thinking about myself? Was it wrong to enjoy being with someone other than Neil? Was it crazy to seek some peace after so many months of misery? By any sort of logic? No. By the heart? Yes.
I was saved by the oven’s timer, and I scooped our portions onto plates, finding myself excited once again at the prospect of having lunch with Ivan.
He seemed just as comfortable with me, telling me all about his teammates, his passion for sports, and his relationship with Janel. He also asked me about Logan, trying to determine whether he really was different than Neil. If not, he wouldn’t have approved of his sister dating him.
“So you like to ski too?” I asked, drying the last dish. I insisted upon at least doing the dishes to repay some of his kindness and hospitality.
“Yeah. It relaxes me so much on bye weeks. I love getting out into nature.” He sat down on the sofa, and I followed suit, making sure to keep a respectable distance between our bodies.
“You devoured it all; good work,” Ivan murmured in satisfaction, staring at the hand I had rested over my pouched-out stomach. The sensation of a full belly had become novel to me. Lately, I was just eating alone at home, and I wasn’t eating much.
I regularly skipped meals and took advantage of my mother’s absence to call a glass of juice or a cup of yogurt a “meal.”
I missed Neil so powerfully that I’d stopped taking care of myself. I just…didn’t feel the need anymore. Eating, drinking, sleeping…they’d all become pointless activities.
“Yeah. You’ll have to roll me out of here,” I said lightly and looked away as he laughed. I wondered what sort of feelings I could possibly provoke in a person like Ivan: Was it curiosity, compassion, pity, or something else?
We were friends, sure, but I didn’t understand why he was so concerned about me.
I wasn’t sure if he was attracted to me or liked me as a friend in my own right or simply saw me as Janel’s bestie who needed help because she was in a bad way.
He was good at concealing his thoughts and intentions.
Then again, Ivan was the golden boy; he’d probably have no idea what to do with a girl who was depressed and constantly on edge.
“I feel so awfully guilty when you take care of me like I’m your helpless little sister. You have friends and practices—you shouldn’t have to neglect your commitments for me,” I said apropos of nothing, just musing on the time and attention he reserved for me. Too much of it.
“Don’t worry about it. I like spending time with you,” he answered easily. His voice was so peaceful; it calmed my nerves. I smiled and made myself more comfortable on the couch, turning my attention to the plasma screen in front of us where there was a documentary about big cats that Ivan seemed to be really into.
“Did you know that lions have barbed penises?” he asked seriously. I shot him a look and found him focused on the screen, apparently rapt.
“I did know that, yes. But I always wondered if that posed any sort of risk to the lionesses. What do you think?” I almost laughed at the absurdity of our discussion.
Ivan was funny and undoubtedly a handsome guy. He had his own kind of appeal, seductive and mysterious but never dangerous or dark, never wild or rough.
“Huh…I suppose it must not,” he said, his mouth contorting into a skeptical expression.
Then Ivan cleared his throat and situated himself on the couch; I turned away to avoid getting caught staring at him. I drowned out those thoughts with memories of another man, the only man I loved. I curled up tightly on the sofa, watching that big cat documentary until I began to relax. I let my eyes—too heavy and exhausted by sleepless nights—close as I surrendered to the lure of sleep…
* * *
I opened my eyes slowly, as images from my dream swirled around in my head. A dream more real than I could possibly have imagined.
I dreamed that I’d decided to let Neil go. That I realized that love was not possession and it did not involve suffering. Love was freedom.
To set someone free is the greatest gift you can give the one you love.
It is the grandest demonstration of love, especially when it involves a great sacrifice.
I thought I heard his baritone whisper:“Wherever you roam, my Pearl, no matter how vast the ocean, you will always find your Shell again. Whenever you feel lonesome, I will be with you. Remember that.”
But I knew that was just another illusion conjured up by my spirit as it struggled to cope with his absence.
I sat up slowly, stretching out my arm muscles, and felt a warm hand touch my cheek and a thumb smear something wet from my skin.
“You were crying in your sleep,” Ivan said in a desolate whisper. He was crouched in front of me with a look of worry on his face.
I blinked rapidly and sat up all the way. I glanced around, disoriented. “What time is it? Did I…I fall asleep? Oh God. I’m sorry,” I winced. I didn’t tell him what my dream had been about. It hadn’t exactly been a nightmare, but, for all that, it had hurt like needles stabbing between my ribs.
