Had I seriously been crying?
I didn’t know anything by that point; all I felt was a vast confusion swirling around in my head.
The truth was, I was afraid.
Afraid of Neil’s decisions.
Had he gone back to sleeping with random blond women all the time like he did before? I was afraid he’d fallen back into his old, bad habits. I was afraid that finding out about his biological father had destroyed him so thoroughly that he’d go back to harming himself.
“Selene… Hey… Are you okay?” Ivan stroked my hair.
I blinked, trying to push the pain down lest it tear me in two like a dagger to the gut.
My eyes found his, and I nodded, lying.
“It is nine o’clock, though. I chose to let you sleep. You needed it; you were exhausted.” He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear like a big brother looking after his sister.
I felt a terrible stab of pain in my chest.
“Ivan,” I cried out. He watched me attentively, waiting for me to speak. “How do you forget someone who can make you hurt so much even fromfar away?” I said in a tortured whisper, thinking about how completely shattered my world was without Neil in it. I had warned him: I’d told him that I would lose my mind if he wasn’t in my life, and I meant it, but he didn’t care.
He didn’t believe I was serious.
“You can’t. You just have to give it time until, eventually, your heart gets used to the absence,” he added, sounding devastated as he stroked my hair.
He balanced his elbows on his flexed thighs and continued watching me steadily.
Instinctively, I just kept talking.
“My mother told me that Neil was always going to leave my anyway. That he didn’t want to warp my life. He didn’t want to drag me into his problems. He never thought he was the right man for me. He didn’t want to become the center of my world; he didn’t want me to abandon my friends, my mother, or my college career. He made the choice for the both of us. He didn’t even give me a chance to decide what was right for me, you know? He was so selfish!” I exploded furiously.
More and more, I found myself flip-flopping between moments of despondency and moments when I really wanted to hate him. Sometimes, I even convinced myself I really did hate him, but then I always came back around to loving him even more somehow.
It was too much. Too draining, this thing I felt for him.
There was no explaining my love for Neil. Just like no one could explain why the shore continued to welcome the sea’s embrace when its wild flood always went away again and always took with it a few more grains of sand.
“He wasn’t being selfish. Selfish would have been forcing you to follow him. I can’t stand the guy, but I do believe he let you go because he was thinking of your happiness,” Ivan said thoughtfully, applying some logical reasoning to the peculiarities of that human disaster. He was probably right.
I just shrugged and let the conversation die until Ivan drew my attention back to him.
“Selene…” he said, looking deeply into my eyes. I knew he could see all the suffering there. “I think I know one good way to forget about your troubles. At least for tonight,” he said in a whisper, like there was someone else in the room with us who shouldn’t overhear.
I said nothing. Even worse, I did nothing as he leaned forward until I could feel his hot breath on my face. I did not object when he cupped my cheek or nuzzled my nose with his. I did not object when his soft lips settled over mine, feather-light, nor when he began to move them, urging me to share in the kiss. To create this completely new and unexpected joining. His hand moved from my cheek to the back of my neck, sliding into my hair as he thrust his tongue into my mouth. We both leaped to our feet the moment his tongue met mine. He flattened his other hand against my back, pressing our bodies closer together until they collided, heated but still a bit cautious.
“You did tell me I shouldn’t ask for permission,” he murmured against my mouth. “Now you can say I’m very rude.” He smiled and then resumed kissing me with more longing, more intensity. He tilted his head, pressing more deeply into me and stealing my breath away. He tasted like mint, like something good and right, as he continued to delight me with his passion and sensuality.
“Ivan…” I babbled out his name, confused. I had no idea what I was doing. My brain seemed to have powered down. I rested my hands on his chest, and guilt bore down on my long-shattered heart.
I wanted to stop thinking about Neil. To do that, I would need to find someone who wasn’t like Neil, someone who was whole. Someone like I used to be. So why did it feel wrong to kiss Ivan but right to suffer for Neil?
Why did it feel wrong for me to accept another man’s interest but right for Neil to share another woman’s bed?
But, more importantly, was it right, what I was doing at that moment?
Was it going to make me happy?
I gasped when, in one wild movement, Ivan scooped me up into his arms without ever breaking the kiss. My legs wrapped around his waist, and his hands tightened on my ass. He carried me swiftly down the hallway and into the bedroom, shutting the door with a careless kick. He laid me out slowly on the enormous bed and positioned himself on top of me, between my legs, balancing his weight on his elbows.
