Neil had left…and he wouldn’t come back.
21
“Peter Pan had taught me that only those with happy thoughts have the ability to fly.”
Selene
The brisk late-November wind caressed my face and rustled the campus trees while I drew absently on a piece of paper.
I’d been sitting on the same bench for at least ten minutes. My class had been finished for a while, but I didn’t feel like going straight home. I stared down at my notebook, tracing the sharp outlines of what I’d just created.
“Every time you feel alone, draw a pearl inside a shell.”
I could still hear his sultry voice inside my head and feel his scent all around me. I searched for him constantly, like a dying woman searching for water in the desert.
And I wondered if his life had changed for the better, if he’d been able to process the pain of discovering such a life-altering secret.
I wondered if he was okay, if he was working.
I wondered if he had another woman or maybe more than one. Just the thought of it made my stomach tighten until I felt like vomiting.
And then I did.
I crouched down beside the bench and expelled the four cups of coffee I’d had that morning. My lungs burned, my chest shook, and my cheekswere wet with tears. Tears that did nothing to ease my soul or free me from the feelings inside.
I felt the chill on my skin and in my heart, which now felt like it was wrapped in barbed wire. I was in a constant storm of bleak anguish. Whenever I thought of Neil, it was devastating.
I couldn’t breathe.
I dragged myself through each day in my now-hollow world, surrounded by people I couldn’t bring myself to care about. I pretended that I still wanted to live, but in truth, my life had crumbled into nothing on that May day.
I had lost a part of myself.
And I still couldn’t get Neil out of my head.
“Shit, Selene. Were you sick again?” I felt two strong hands around my waist as someone helped me stand up and steady myself. My head was spinning; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had solid food.
“Selene, can you hear me? Hey?” I recognized the soothing sound of Ivan’s voice as my chest bumped into his. I blinked, trying to clear my head and focused on him. There was his black hair, his green eyes with the bright flecks, the dimple in his right cheek, and that sensual mouth curved into a sweet smile. “I just got out of practice. Are you alright?” he asked, brushing a bit of hair away from my face.
“Captain…” I managed in a croak. He stroked my cheek and pulled me in for a tight hug, allowing my tears to soak his team hoodie. He stroked my hair, nuzzling his face against my head, and somehow managed to soothe my anguish and calm me down until I could stop crying.
Ivan had become my constant; his presence was a necessity for me. I would not have survived losing Neil without him, his sister Janel, and Bailey. They were my best friends.
“I’ll take you home with me. Let your mother know. When did you last eat?” He held my face in his hands and looked into my weary eyes. “You can’t live on coffeeandbe constantly throwing up that coffee. It’s no good… You’re losing too much weight,” he chided me, a bit of severity in his tone. He stooped to pick up my notebook and pencil and remained hunched over the drawing, the same one that I now reproduced night and day whenever I got the chance. He sighed heavily and closed the notebookbefore straightening back up. “You need to stop thinking about him. It’s only hurting you…” He handed me the notebook, and I slipped it into my bag. Then he abruptly wrapped an arm around my shoulders and urged me to follow him to the white Porsche he’d parked nearby.
He was right.
I was only hurting myself, but I couldn’t help but think about Neil.
Six months had passed, and I still dreamed every night about that terrible day.
“Quit looking at me like that, it’s over. This was always going to happen anyway. Ask your mother about it if you want to know more…”
I had done just that.
My mother told me about how Neil admitted to her that he had accepted Professor Robinson’s internship in Chicago and that he didn’t think it was possible for us to have a relationship. So he had promised her that he would leave me behind, that there would never be a place for me in his life.
I couldn’t believe Neil had kept such important news from me, and, even worse, that he didn’t tell me he was supposed to share an apartment with Megan Wayne.
