“You make love to me, and then you tell me the weirdest things. Like that I’m going to find my real Peter Pan, that I’ll tell another man I love him, and that I’m perfect, but—”
“You think what we do is making love?” he interrupted, focusing only on the first thing I said.
He just couldn’t tolerate that word.
“I make love to you, Neil,” I said again, more firmly. I knew that we had different ways of experiencing sex: For me, it was an exchange of affection and emotion, while, for Neil, it was pleasure, eroticism, passion, chemistry, and ownership—nothing that involved the softer emotions. “Isn’t that how it is for you?” I asked him pointedly. I didn’t really want to get into a fight, but I was relieved to have redirected him so completely.
“You want to change me,” he said accusingly, pushing back an unruly lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead. As usual, he didn’t give me a direct answer. But having a conversation with Neil Miller was a massive undertaking that always required a great deal of mental effort.
“That’s not true, and you know it. I accept you as you are,” I said in my defense. “You’re the one who can’t accept me,” I insisted. “Is this a new tactic to push me away? Are you trying to go back to the way things were?When you went out of your way to screw random blonds you don’t give a crap about just to hurt me?” I tried to keep my voice calm even as jealousy bloomed in my stomach and chest.
Neil’s lips twisted into a cryptic smile, and he gave a satisfied grunt.
“You give the best advice, Babygirl,” he answered, sounding amused as he kept his eyes on the road.
“Or maybe you should switch to dark-haired girls. You could start with Megan,” I snapped back. But that wasn’t really right, was it? Megan was the only woman whodidmean something to him, more so than Jennifer, Alexia, or any of the other women who had enjoyed Neil’s body in the past.
He became serious and gave me an ominous look.
“Megan was involved in the dark web incident. Ryan Von Doom, Kimberly’s boss, was her guitar teacher. He and Kim ran the website together, making their money selling videos to pedophiles online,” he confessed all at once, leaving me speechless.
It occurred to me that receiving so many shocks in one day couldn’t possibly be good for me.
“Is that how you two know each other?” My temples were pounding; my head ached so bad that I had to squint.
“Yeah. Kimberly wanted to film Megan and me acting out a perverted version of thePeter Panmovie. She took us down to the basement and made us take our clothes off. I knew what she wanted right away, and I managed to avoid the worst of it. I never touched Megan. I would never do that…” He swallowed hard, gripping the steering wheel with both hands while showing no emotion at all on his face.
It was as cold and impassive as a sheet of metal.
He could have been telling me about his most recent exam in school, rather than the brutal psychological violence he’d experienced.
“How…how can you talk about it like that?” I asked hesitantly, shocked at his casual, cynical tone.
“I’ve got hell locked inside me, Selene. I’ve been living with the memories for so long that they don’t have the power to upset me anymore,” he answered, reaching up to open the big house’s electronic gate. I looked out at the long driveway.
A deafening silence fell over us as Neil parked in his usual spot. He shut off the car and leaned back against the seats, still staring fixedly in front of him.
“Still think I’d fuck her?” he demanded. He turned to look at me, angry this time.
“I am so sorry that happened to you…” I took his hand in mine and kissed his knuckles. I felt guilty for having spoken so dismissively to him. “I didn’t realize. I’m sorry,” I said in a shamed whisper as I looked into his eyes. He allowed me to touch him, but his face was still impassive as he stared at me.
“Does…does Alyssa know about this?” I asked softly.
She had tried to get in touch with me several times after everything went down with Neil, but I was ghosting her. I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with her, and not just because she’d kissed the man I loved. I couldn’t forgive the way she’d lied to me and taken advantage of my trusting nature.
“No,” he answered. “Megan never told her sister about it. Even her parents just pretended nothing happened. They were in shock, so she had to deal with it all on her own. I actually admire her for that, you know? She went through the same therapy I did and came out the other side stronger,” he admitted. Clearly, this woman was an important part of his past. They had walked through hell together and come out alive, hand in hand.
“And the two of you…” I wasn’t sure how to ask him if there’d ever been a deeper interest or special connection.
Neil sighed and looked down at where I still held his hand in mine, stroking the back of it with my thumb. “There was never anything between us,” he finished my thought. “Except one kiss. We were teenagers, and we did it for some stupid game; it didn’t mean anything to me,” he went on. I didn’t say anything, but truthfully, even the idea of them only sharing a kiss made me jealous. Neil must have seen it on my face, though, because he leaned in and kissed me. It was gentle and innocent, but no less intense than the rough, passionate claiming kisses he usually gave me.
“It’s cold out here. Shall we go in?” he said quietly against my mouth, his voice softening. I just nodded and followed him back to the pool house; I needed to rest and clear my head.
When we got there, I took off my coat and threw it on the sofa, tugging the sleeves of my sweater over my fingers. I slumped down into the armchair and stared at the fireplace Neil had just activated. A terrible feeling of impending doom pressed down on my chest again like a boulder. I wanted to tell Neil everything I’d heard at the clinic, to have him talk to his mother and figure out what the hell John had to do with either of them. But I didn’t have the guts to do that.
Neil peeled off his leather jacket and hung it up, giving me a questioning look. I pasted a reassuring smile on my face.
“I’m going to shower. Eat if you’re hungry,” he informed me.
