I wince.Liam’s eyes widen as if he knows what I’m going to say before I say it.“Shedidask me to go with her,” I mutter, avoiding his gaze.
Liam makes a sound of disgust in the back of his throat.“I love you, man, but sometimes you’re a real dumbass.”
I don’t have a chance to react before movement catches my eye, and I turn to see Mae standing in the kitchen doorway.“I second that.Both the loving you part and the dumbass bit.”
My gaze volleys between the two of them, taking in the knowing nod they give each other.“Is this the real reason you wanted me to come over?”I ask Mae.“Some sort of intervention?”
She strides across the kitchen and plants her hands on my shoulders, kissing the top of my head.“No, that’s just a bonus.”
Liam chuckles, turning his face up to accept a kiss on the cheek from Mae.“Okay, Nathan, back up.Fiona asked you to go with her?”
I wait while Mae gets herself a beer and sits with us.“She said she’d come back to Honeywell and we could figure things out together.Then she sort of threw out the idea of me going with her.”
Liam’s gaze slides to Mae, then back to me.“I’m not going to ask why you said no, because that’s your business—”
“Isn’tallof this my business?”I ask, rolling my eyes.
“We’re family, it doesn’t count,” Liam says, flicking a hand dismissively.Mae snorts into her beer.
“Anyway, it’s not too late,” Liam says.“You could go meet her wherever she is, or—”
“Or…” Mae cuts in, drawing both of our attention.“I have an idea if you’re up for hearing it.”At my nod, she leans on the table, pinning me with her gaze.“You could go to Ireland alone.”
My eyebrows wing up.“Alone?”
“I think it could be really good for you,” she says.“You’re haunted here: by missing Seamus, by ‘what ifs’ in regards to Fiona.You could go to Ireland for a few weeks, or hell, even a few months.Decompress, see more of the country, maybe even travel further afield.”
“I can’t justleave,” I say with a disbelieving laugh.“Especially for a few weeks, let alone a fewmonths.”I shoot a glance at Liam, expecting him to back me up.Instead, he holds up both hands before crossing his arms over his chest.
When I look back at Mae, she has a gleam in her eyes.“Why not?”
“I can’t…what about…there’s…” I groan and snap my mouth shut, trying to gather my thoughts.There are a thousand reasons I can’t leave, and the reason at the top of the list is still looking at me with that glimmer of challenge in her eyes.“I can’t leave you, Mae.”
Her entire expression softens, turning affectionate with a hint of sadness.“But honey, youcan.I’ll tell you what I told Fiona: I have Liam, Joss, Thea, Rex, Aneesha, and the whole town looking out for me.”
“So what you’re saying is you don’t need me.”I meant for it to be a joke, but it sounds so pathetic, I want to smack myself.
Mae makes a sound of dismay in the back of her throat.“I’ll always need you—both of you—but I don’tneedyou.I want each of you to have your own lives, the same way I want Fiona to have her own life.”She slides her beer bottle aside and reaches out for our hands.Liam and I each take one without hesitation.
“You boys are the sons I never had.You probably don’t know this, but Seamus and I tried for more children after Fiona.After a few years, we accepted that it wasn’t meant to be, but I had the two of you.As much as I wish things had been different and that you’d had easier childhoods, it felt like the universe had gifted me with two extra children to love and care for.
“Seamus felt the same way.Here were these two beautiful, smart, loving boys, neither of whom had a father present in their lives, and Seamus was able to fill that void.He always said that family is about so much more than blood, and he proved it over and over again, and continued to prove it when Rex came along.”
She sniffles and releases our hands to swipe at her face.Liam hops up to grab a box of tissues, and Mae smiles gratefully at him as she takes one and wipes her eyes.“Anyway…all of this is my long-winded way of saying I’ll always need you, I’ll always love you, and I’ll always consider you mine.Fiona is no less my daughter just because she’s been away for so many years, and you’d be no less mine if you decided to leave too.I know you’ll always come back.”
After a moment of silence, Liam clears his throat, drawing my attention.His eyes are red-rimmed but dry.“Maybe it’s time you consider doing something just for yourself, Nathan.You always do everything for everyone.”
“Sounds like someone else I know,” Mae murmurs, shooting Liam a pointed look.
He chuckles.“Okay, yes, somehow we both ended up like that.In the therapy sessions I’ve attended with Joss, Dr.Gupta has told me all about how my need to take care of others stems from a desire to earn love and acceptance, and being afraid of abandonment, among other things.”
I mull that over.It makes sense.As much as I loved my own mother, she didn’t have the warm, maternal energy Mae does, and she wasn’t always the easiest person in the world to live with.She never said it outright, but I’m not sure she particularlywantedto be a mother.She and my dad had an on-again, off-again relationship, and when he left for good, she struggled with single parenthood.
We grew closer when she was sick, and she apologized more than once for not being the attentive, loving mother I deserved.I told her it was okay—even though it wasn’t—and I silently wished we’d always been as close as we were in those months before she died.More than that, I wished we had more time together.
“You’ve been going non-stop for years, outrunning your demons,” Mae says quietly.“Your childhood, Fiona leaving, your mother’s death, now Seamus’s death.Building the business, taking care of Rex, taking care ofallof us.If you went to Ireland, maybe the stillness and silence would help you find some peace.And maybe you’d find some answers too.”
Something in me wants to immediately say that they’re both right, and I’ll go.Another part of me wants to keep fighting it, and that’s the part that wins.“What would I even do there?Putter around the cottage?Spend my days in the pub?Wander the moors?Are there moors in Ireland?”
