I imagine the anguish painted across his face mirrors my own.My tone is defeated when I say, “Okay.”My body is suddenly heavy with exhaustion.I wish I could collapse in the beanbag chair and sleep until it’s time for Mila and me to leave.“I’ll make myself scarce over the next few days so we don’t have to see each other, and so you won’t have to avoid seeing Mum.”
He looks like he wants to say something, but he bites his lip and nods.There are likely a million things he wants to say but can’t find the words for.That’s how I feel, anyway.
I expect him to turn and leave, but instead, he wordlessly holds out his arms.Without hesitation, I step into them and wrap my arms around him.We cling to each other, my hands fisting in his shirt while his press into my back, holding me tightly against his body.His racing heart knocks against mine.Something in the back of my mind whispers that our hearts are communicating, telling each other everything we can’t say out loud.
We part in increments, our grips loosening, then our hands sliding so we’re holding each other’s arms.Nathan’s eyes shimmer with unshed tears, while my own tears fall freely.He cups my face with one hand, swiping his thumbs gently over my cheeks.His gaze dips to my mouth, and his lips lift in the barest hint of a smile.
“One more for the road?”he whispers, echoing my words from the night of his birthday.They feel so different now.They feel like a goodbye.
I grip his shoulders and lift up on my toes to press my mouth to his.I wish I had the restraint to keep the kiss short and sweet, but if this really is goodbye, I want to make it count.Nathan must have the same idea because his tongue sweeps over my lips, and I part them to let our tongues tangle in a slow, familiar dance.
I try to commit this moment to memory: the feel of Nathan’s soft hair as I weave my fingers into the tresses; the scent of cedar lingering on his clothes; the hint of peppermint on his tongue.I can taste salt from our tears, but I’ll try not to remember that when I conjure up this memory in the weeks and months to come.
Nathan pulls away first, releasing his grip on me immediately and taking a few steps back.I watch dazedly as he turns and strides toward the door.He pauses briefly, meeting my eyes just long enough to give me a single nod.I return the gesture, and then he’s gone, his hurried footsteps echoing in my ears as he departs.
That empty feeling that’s grown familiar since Dad’s death opens wider, threatening to swallow me whole.I’m about to make one of my dreams come true, but it feels like a hollow victory without the man I love by my side.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE ~ NATHAN
It’s been two weeks since Fiona left.Nobody mentioned her for the first several days, to the point where conversations became stilted and awkward.It felt too much like how things were before, and I didn’t want that.The people who love Fiona should be able to talk about her, mention her casually in conversation, and bring her up without fear of somehow setting me off.
One night last week when we were all together at Mae’s for dinner and silence had descended upon the table, I announced as gently as possible that while I appreciated what they were doing, I wasn’t a delicate flower, and they could talk about Fiona.The relief was almost palpable, and it made guilt gnaw at my stomach as it occurred to me what it must have been like for them to steer clear of mentioning Fiona for all those years.
After dinner, when Mae and I had a moment alone, I asked her how things had gone with Fiona and Mila quitting.Her smile had been one of pride as she’d simply told me, “Mission accomplished.”I’d felt like I was missing something, but I didn’t have a chance to ask further questions before Rex came tearing into the room to demand we join everyone for the board game they were about to play.I could have probed later or even in the week since, but if Fiona wanted me to know details, she would have told me.Who knows, maybe she will someday.
And so life goes on, as it always does.Even though Fiona was home for over a month, there are moments when it feels like she was never really here, as if her time in Honeywell and the time we spent together was a lucid dream.I’ve heard people describe grief as a delineation of before and after, and I remember that feeling from when my mom died.Now life feels like it’s split three ways: before Murph died, after Murph died, and after Fiona left.
I didn’t have a chance to adjust to Murph’s absence before Fiona showed up.We’d been prepared for his eventual passing, but nothing compared to the reality of life without him.Now the heartache I feel over Murph’s death is tangled with everything I feel for Fiona.The initial hostility I felt when she arrived, the realization I needed to put the past firmly behind me, the tentative rekindling of a friendship that quickly turned into something more.
I was right when I told Fiona we were never meant to be just friends.There’s always been something more between us, something deeper.Just like my soul knows her soul, my body knows hers on a cellular level.
Now two of the people I love most in the world are gone, albeit in different ways, and I’m doing my best to carry on.
Carrying on looks like long hours at the B&B worksite, regular meals at Mae’s, and helping my loved ones where I can.Today, that included picking up Rex after school, taking him to his swimming lesson at the community centre, and then spending an hour at Sweet Escapes for his usual post-swim snack and visit with Mae.
When we get to Thea’s place afterward, Rex takes his time removing his seatbelt and gathering his things.The kid is a mini version of Liam, so I recognize his thinking face.
“What’s up, buddy?”I ask.
This seems to be all the invitation he needs, because he swivels to face me.“Did you know there’s less than two months left of school?”
“I did, yeah,” I say slowly.Rex loves school, always has, so his enthusiasm makes me wonder if that’s no longer the case.
“I hear Ireland is nice in the summertime,” he says, his eyes wide and guileless.
I stifle a laugh.“Oh, you’veheardthat, eh?”
“Mmhmm.Smurph always said how nice it was, and Aunt Mae has talked about it too.”He pauses, his mouth twisting as if he’s trying to decide whether or not to say what else he’s thinking.Finally, he adds, “Auntie Fi has talked about it too.But she says it’s beautiful all year, not just in the summer.”
“I bet itisbeautiful all year,” I say.“It was fall when I went with Murph, and I loved it.”
“Now that Smurph gave you his house, you can go anytime you want,” Rex says.
“And let me guess, you think I should take you with me this summer?”
Rex grins.“I do.Aaliyah told me that Auntie Fi is helping her and Aneesha plan a trip to Scotland this summer, and it got me thinking about how I’ve never been anywhere cool except for Toronto, and that barely counts.”
I try—and fail—to suppress another laugh.“Let me talk to your mom about it, okay?I’m not sure about the logistics of taking you out of the country on my own, so it’d probably have to be a family trip.”And as much as I love the kid and have spent his whole life feeling responsible for him in some form, I’m not sure if that extends to taking him to a different continent on my own.
