“It doesn’t have to be,” I say.“Temporary, I mean.When I come back to Honeywell, we could see where this could go.I could create a base here and still travel, just like my dad did.”
The skin around Nathan’s eyes tightens.“Would you be content with that?Are you ready to stop travelling full-time?”
I open my mouth to say yes, but I can’t.I silently curse myself as tears of frustration prickle my eyes.
“Okay, let me ask you something else,” Nathan says.
My mind goes to my dream from last night, of me telling him to ask me to stay.“Of course.Anything.”
“If Murph had left you the cottage, would you have lived there?”
My eyebrows spring up.That wasn’t at all what I expected him to ask.“Uhh, maybe?Part-time at least.For years, it’s been…comforting, I guess, knowing it’s there anytime I wanted it, whether Dad was there or not.If he’d given it to me, that’s probably where I’d head once I leave London.”
I’ve tried not to let thoughts of the cottage creep in too much.Thinking about it creates a deep, hollow ache inside.Every once in a while, though, usually when I’m tired and my guard is down, visions of a life there fill my mind.Tending Dad’s flower gardens and planting the vegetable garden he always wanted but never planted since he wasn’t there enough.Making a habit of slow Sundays where I visit the farmers market, followed by a long walk and lunch in my favourite pub.Expanding my cooking and baking repertoire in the cottage’s sweet little kitchen with its ancient appliances.
And in those fantasies, I’m not alone.Nathan is there, always.Hands dirty from gardening, carefully inspecting produce at the farmers market, sipping Guinness at the pub, clothes and hair dusted with flour.Using any excuse to touch me.Love shining from his eyes as he smiles at me.
“Then you should have it,” Nathan says.“It always should have been yours.I don’t know what Murph was thinking.”
I shake my head vehemently.“No, Nathan.No.Dad had his reasons for leaving it to you, and we need to trust that.I won’t lie and say I wasn’t hurt and confused, but Dad never did anything without a good reason.”
His expression reveals the secret thoughts that feel like a betrayal to say aloud: thereisno good reason.Dad loved Nathan like a son, I get that, but the cottage should have been mine, or at least Mum’s.We’re the ones who considered it a second home, who visited regularly, who would have actuallyusedit.It’s going to sit mostly empty now.
“I’m planning to come back to Honeywell in a few weeks,” I repeat.“It’s going to take Mila and me some time to get a business plan together and get things up and running.We’ll need to hire people, including a business manager.”
Nathan bobs his head.“You said yourself you have contacts all over the world, right?I’m sure you’ll find the perfect person.”
“I think I already know the perfect person.”
He cocks his head to the side, a question in his eyes.It takes him several seconds to clue in, and then he points to himself, laughing mirthlessly.“Me?I’m not exactly in the market for a new job, Fiona.I already run my own business, in case you forgot.Plus, I know nothing about the travel industry.”
“I know, I just thought…forget it, it was stupid.”
I see the contrition in his eyes a second before he ducks his head.He glances over his shoulder at the door, as if he’s considering bolting.
When he turns back, he looks resolved.“When are you leaving?”
“We fly out on the fourth.”
“I know avoiding you the last few days was shitty of me, but I think it might be best if we keep our distance until you go.I’ve enjoyed our time together, and I think we can eventually be in each other’s lives again, but for now…” The sigh he releases is so heavy it makes his shoulders slump.“For now, everything is so jumbled.Murph’s death, you being home, business stuff…I just need some time.”
I press my trembling lips together, begging my body to cooperate and not have a meltdown.That can come later, away from Nathan.The last thing I want to do is make him feel guilty.He hasn’t done anything wrong.“We’ll be friends again eventually, right?”
He lets out another mirthless laugh.“You and I were never meant to be friends, Fi.”
I swallow a gasp.The words feel like a physical blow.Nathan and I were always friends…until we weren’t.Even when we fell in love and became a couple, Nathan was still my best friend.He was the person I shared everything with, the first one I wanted to tell when something happened, the one I turned to.To hear him say we’re not meant to be friends…
He groans and takes a step forward, reaching out as if to touch me, but stopping before he makes contact.“That came out wrong.Saying we’rejustfriends is a massive oversimplification.When you left, it was torture not having you in my life.After my mom died, there was a part of me that wanted to leave Honeywell.I thought it would be easier.My whole blood family was gone, and as much as I love your parents and Liam and Thea, I wasn’t sure they were enough reason to stay, especially when I felt like I was being haunted by memories of everything I’d lost.
“Then Rex was born, and suddenly I had a good reason to stay.Those roots I’d been considering unearthing buried themselves deeper instead.I never thought about leaving again, never regretted my decision to stay.I built a life here that I’m content with and proud of.Having you back in my life these last few weeks has shown me what I’ve been missing, but…we're so much more than just friends.We always have been.My soul knows your soul, Fiona.We’re linked by our past and the people we both love.”
I stifle the sob that attempts to rip itself from my throat.Nathan takes another step forward at the same moment I move toward him.There’s only a foot or so of space between us now.
“If that’s the case, doesn’t that mean we should be together?”I ask.“I love you, Nathan, and Iknowyou love me too.Can’t that be enough for now, and we’ll work out everything else as we go?I understand why we couldn’t do that when I first left—we were so young and had so many things to figure out—but we’re adults now.We have years of experience and wisdom under our belts, and the things we still need to figure out, we can figure outtogether.I’ll come back or you could come with me.In fact, whydon’tyou come with me?”
He makes a rough sound in the back of his throat.“I wish I could throw caution to the wind and say yes, Fiona, I really do.But it’s not that simple.You say we can figure things out together, but I think you need to figure some things out on your own first.I don’t want to hold onto the hope that we can build a life together only for you to leave again.I never want you to feel tied down, or to stay with me out of some misguided sense of obligation.”
I want to argue that it wouldn’t be like that, but I don’t think anything I say right now would change his mind.I broke Nathan’s heart when I left all those years ago.Even though I experienced his animosity firsthand over the years when I came home to visit, I wasn’t here to witness him putting his life back together.I missed him fiercely, but I had university to focus on, and my travels around Scotland and beyond.I was living the life I’d always dreamed of, minus being with Nathan, while he would have encountered a lifetime of memories and reminders around every corner here in Honeywell.
