Meeting hundreds of new people every year has taught me not to get too attached.It’s not always easy, especially on the longer tours when there’s more time to connect, but I’ve adopted a mentality that if someone is meant to be in my life, our paths will cross again.I have friends and acquaintances all over the world; people I think of fondly, and would happily meet up with if the opportunity presented itself.But here in Honeywell, I have something more, something deeper.Or at least Icould.
“You okay?”Mila asks as we head out into the balmy night.
I nod, afraid to answer with words.Instead, I whisper, “Are you okay if I go home with Nathan after we drop you off?”
The only change in Mila’s expression is a slight tightening at the corners of her mouth.“I’llbe okay, but willyou?”
I pull her to a stop.Nathan has already reached his truck, and is leaning against the open passenger side door, waiting for us.Our eyes meet, and a ghost of a smile flits across his face.
Mila makes a soft noise in the back of her throat.I jerk my head in her direction, catching her wry expression before she schools her face.My best friend clearly sees what I already know: I’m in too deep.
“Just…be careful.”she says with a sigh.“And I don’t only mean using a condom, although make sure you do that too.”
* * *
Nathan and I are silent as he lets us into his house.He catches my hand after we remove our jackets and shoes, leaving the lights off as he leads me further inside.Part of me expected him to take me straight upstairs, but I should have known that’s not Nathan’s style.I often used to think he must consider conversation an element of foreplay.He liked to talk first, make sure I was comfortable and at ease.Apparently, he still does.
He guides me into the living room, where he turns on a lamp, and asks if I want something to eat or drink.“I got Hawkins Cheezies,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.“I saw them at the store and…”
I can’t suppress the smile that tugs at my lips.“Maybe later?Could I get a glass of water for now?”I’m not thirsty, but hopefully in the time it takes him to get to the kitchen and back, I can convince my racing thoughts to shut the fuck up.
Nathan returns a minute later with two glasses of water.He hands the one with ice cubes in it to me.Of course he remembers I prefer my water ice cold.
“Enjoy it while you can,” he says as he sits on the far side of the couch, leaving a couple of feet of space between us.I tilt my head in question, and he jerks his chin toward my glass.“The ice.When Murph and I went to Ireland, I commented on the lack of ice, and he said you’d be hard-pressed to find ice cubes across Europe and the UK.It made me think of you.”
I laugh.“I’ve grown used to room temperature drinks over the years, but I’ll never turn down ice when it’s offered.”I raise my glass in a silent toast and take a sip.
Nathan clears his throat and shifts to face me.“I was surprised tonight when Mila said she could see herself living in Honeywell,” he says slowly.“What about you?Could you see yourself living here again?”
The question itself is casual, his tone even, and his expression neutral.I can feel the weight of it, though.My answer is important.I want to say yes.I wish the word would come easily, slip past my lips with confidence.I wish I could tell him that nights like tonight make it easy to envision a life here: outings with him and our friends, family dinners at my mum’s place, meeting at Sweet Escapes for coffee and cake.Endless hours spent together talking and laughing, hanging out in the treehouse, and driving around in his truck.Dancing and kissing and feeling that contact high I get every time he touches me.
“Wait,” Nathan says, holding up a hand.“Don’t answer that.I know it’s not that simple for you.”
“For what it’s worth, I wish it were.”
“I do too.”With a soft sigh, he rises from the couch and crosses the room to stand in front of the fireplace.
“What are you thinking?”I ask.
“I don’t think you want to know.”
“I do.Always.”
There have been so many things I’ve wanted to say to him recently, especially since finding that old journal of Dad’s.It’s all a chaotic swirl, though; I can’t quite grasp it myself, so I have no idea how I’d put it into words to explain it to Nathan.
I’m afraid of making decisions from a place of fear or guilt, or based on what Dad would have done.I can’t help feeling I should want a life like he had, should be content to settle down and let love be enough.Let it ground me in all the best ways.I don’t want to hurt Nathan with my indecision.He deserves someone who chooses him without question or hesitation.
He turns to face me, leaning one elbow on the mantle, and running his free hand roughly through his hair.“I’m thinking how difficult it is not to slip back into the anger and resentment I felt toward you for so long.”
I’m not exactly surprised by his admission.“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.Or if you told me to get out and leave you alone until I get my shit together.”
He huffs out a mirthless laugh.“The thing is, Fi, I think youdohave your shit together.”He comes back to the couch and drops down beside me.“I’ve never known anyone else who’s as certain about what they wantandhas the courage and confidence to go for it.Even when I didn’t understand it, there was always a part of me that respected it.So many people have things they’re passionate about or want more than anything, but they let fear stop them.I know you faced judgement and criticism from people in town, but you didn’t let any of that hinder you from pursuing your dreams.Your dad admired the hell out of you for it, and I do too.”
My breath hitches.I swallow hard around that now-familiar lump in my throat.I never would have imagined Nathan felt that way.“Even though our relationship was basically collateral damage?”
He lifts one shoulder, giving me a sad half-smile.“I certainly didn’t always feel that way, but yeah.The anger and resentment were convenient armour.I thought I was shielding my heart from feeling all these unwanted things, but it was only causing more pain.Murph was unerringly proud of you, and I know he felt the same way about me, but I wish I could have put all of this behind me while he was still around.”
“Hindsight is a bitch, isn’t it?”I ask.
