“Yeah, I get that.”I spent a lot of time feeling that way about my mom after she died.I had so many questions—mostly random, inconsequential things—and no one to answer them.
“So, are you…handling things okay?”Fiona asks.“The grief, I mean.I feel like I swing wildly between okay and decidedlynotokay a million times a day.I can only imagine how you must feel since you saw Dad every single day, and you were with him when…”
“Ahh, yeah.”I swallow hard.“That swinging wildly thing sounds about right.I expect to see him every time I walk into your house.I don’t think a day has gone by yet when I haven’t picked up my phone to text or call him.The other day, I almost bought those candied nuts he loved before I remembered he’s not here anymore.”
Fiona nods, shifting closer and resting her head on my chest.“Those constant reminders are brutal.I expect that’s how it’ll be for a while.When you’ve known someone your entire life and spent so much time with them, it takes your brain and your heart time to catch up to them being gone.”
I hum in agreement.She’s right about the constant reminders being brutal.It’s not the same, but when Fiona first left to travel, I thought I saw her everywhere I went, heard her phantom laughter at the most inopportune times, picked up the phone to call her more times than I cared to admit.I felt like I was being haunted, which was a strange sensation because she was still here,she just wasn’t…here.
“And what about our pause?Are you still okay with that?”she asks.
I laugh under my breath and give her the same answer as I did on the night of my birthday: “No.”
“Nathan—” She starts to pull away from me, but I ease her back, tightening my hold.
I suddenly realize “The Lady in Red” has ended, and the dance music has resumed.I don’t recognize the song, but it’s something bass-heavy that has couples dancing close and grinding against each other.Liam, Joss, Mila, and Van are nowhere in sight.Fiona doesn’t seem to notice, so even though we’re out of place among the gyrating couples, I continue to hold her close.
“It’s fine, really,” I say.It’s not.The more time we spend together, the harder it’s going to be to let her go.We act like what we’re doing is just physical, but it’s so much more than that, and we both know it.And yet I can’t stay away.I never thought of myself as a masochist before, but that’s clearly what I’ve become.
“Maybe we should…” Fiona trails off and releases a gusty sigh.
“Not yet,” I say.Something that feels an awful lot like desperation rises inside me, clawing at my throat.I am officially the stupidest man alive.Letting Fiona in and continuing whatever this is with her, is like giving her power over me.Power to hurt me, to break my heart.Again.
“Not yet,” I repeat.Stay in the moment,I tell myself.In this moment, Fiona is still here.“Will you come home with me tonight?”
For a second, I think she’s going to say no.It would probably be best if she did.But then her gaze drifts to my lips, and the way her eyes darken gives me my answer before she even speaks.“Yes.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO ~ FIONA
“...and that’s how I ended up stranded in Budapest for twenty-four hours with two dozen first-time travellers.”
Everyone at the table laughs, making me realize Mila has finished telling her story…and that I’ve been zoned out for who knows how long.Again.
When we all returned to the table after dancing, I hoped the others would be ready to call it a night.We’d been here for a couple of hours, and I’d enjoyed every second of our time together, but I wanted to be alone with Nathan.Instead, Mila had suggested Van join us, which led to Liam insisting we get another round of drinks.
With everyone chatting and sipping fresh drinks, it only took a few minutes for my thoughts to wander.Over the last few days, Mila and I have spent hours talking about business plans, making countless lists, and creating content for social media.We’ve both tried to get in touch with Sanjay to no avail.The higher-ups at On the Go aren’t taking our calls either, which is especially infuriating to me, considering I haven’t heard a word from anyone in the five weeks since my suspension started.
Mila thinks the next logical step is going to London and ‘getting shit done ourselves’.That includes attempting to track down Sanjay, insisting on a meeting with our bosses at On the Go so we can quit in person, and getting our belongings from the house.Her action plan makes sense; the sooner we quit, the sooner we can get the ball rolling on our own business, especially if we have to ride out the six-month non-compete clause.
And yet despite it making sense, I’ve been hesitating with the actual follow-through.Mila has tossed around ideas for what to do after our business in London is finished, including returning to Honeywell to regroup.Her other suggestion is that we take advantage of being overseas to do a bit of travelling.
The thing is, even if we do come back to Honeywell, the idea of leaving Nathan at all opens up a hollow pit in my stomach.The more time I spend with him, the more Iwantto spend with him.I crave his proximity, his scent, the secret smiles he gives me when we’re around other people, and the way he touches me when we’re alone.
And yet, my itchy feet are getting itchier by the day.I had hoped the urge would subside, but it hasn’t.As Mila and I have put together practice itineraries and lists of people to contact, I’ve been getting buzzed on fantasies of in-person research and face-to-face meetings.
“Everyone good to drive?”Liam asks.
Hope surges inside me, followed immediately by guilt.Nights like this are precious, and I shouldn’t be in a hurry for them to end.
“I live nearby, so I walked,” Van says.
“I’m good,” Nathan says.He and Liam both nursed one beer each earlier in the evening, then switched to pop when we returned after dancing.
As we all exchange goodbyes, Joss pulls Mila and me into a group hug.She lets out a giggle as she releases us and kisses each of our cheeks.The sound, paired with her grin and drooping eyelids, tells me she’s pleasantly tipsy.
“You’d make a great addition to Honeywell,” she says to Mila.“And if you everdodecide to move here, you’ll have built-in friends.At the very least, I hope you’ll visit often.Both of you.”She looks at me as she says the last part.She’s still gripping Mila and me by the shoulders, so I pull them back in for another hug.
Tears prickle my eyes, and I silently beg my body not to betray me now.The middle of this small-town bar isnotthe place for a meltdown.These warring emotions are exhausting.Wanting to go and yet wanting to stay.Feeling eager and excited to start a new chapter of my life, and yet guilty and sad.
