Despite the fewfeet of space between us, facing each other like this feels somehowintimate. I don’t talk about these things often, even with thegirls, but something prompts me to tell Leland what’s on mymind.
“Without going into too many details, my ex-husband turned outto be a very different man than I thought he was. I felt as if I’dbeen tricked by someone who poured on the charm to get what hewanted and then once he got it, he stopped trying. At first, Ithought it was sweet and romantic that he wanted to be with me allthe time. I didn’t see that he was trying to isolate me and make medepend on him. Eventually, he became controlling and possessive tothe point of alienating me from my family and friends.”
Leland’s eyesremain on me as I speak, his brows drawn together in a deep V. He’sbeen listening so intently, he seems to have forgotten about thetaco in his hand. When I take a bite of mine, he does the same,then nods for me to go on.
“Once Irealized what was happening, I allowed it to go on. I didn’t knowwhat else to do. I told myself it was okay because he…he didn’tabuse me physically. I couldn’t see that his behavior was adifferent kind of abuse. I began to believe that was just howthings were and that I didn’t deserve better.”
Leland leansforward, his jaw tightening. “Please tell me you came to realizethat was untrue.”
“I did.Even then, it took awhile to find the strength to end my marriage.By the time I came back to Bellevue, I knew I’d changedemotionally, but I hadn’t realized how much I’d also changedphysically. My skin was dull, my hair was dull, my clothes weredull. My ex knew what he was getting when he married me—streakedhair, nose piercing, colorful clothes, bold lipstick—and he didn’tseem to have a problem with it. Eventually, it became a source ofembarrassment for him, especially when he kept getting promoted andwe started spending more time with his coworkers. Now I know himasking me to tone it down was another form of controlling me, but Iwent along with it to keep the peace.”
Leland’s upper lipcurls and he drops his half-eaten taco onto his plate as if he’slost his appetite. He shakes his head, wiping his hands fiercely ona paper napkin. I set my own taco down and prepare myself toactivate my mental armor. I wouldn’t have expected Leland to belike so many other guys I’ve known: sweet on the surface, but ableto turn quickly into someone unrecognizable.
“What.An absolute.Jerk.” He practically spits the last word. “I’m sorry, I know youwere married to him and you must have truly loved him at somepoint, butgod. Heshould have treasured you and adored you, not made you feelinsecure and like you were walking on eggshells.”
The tension in myshoulders releases, making me droop forward.
Lelandsits up straighter, reaching out as if to touch me, but hesitatingbefore his hand makes contact. “Wait, you…you didn’t think I wasmad atyou, didyou?”
“Kindof?” I snatch my taco up with shaking hands and shove a giant biteinto my mouth so I can’t elaborate. My plan doesn’t work, becauseLeland waits patiently while I chew and swallow.
“I’vefelt a lot of judgment from various people over the years,” I tellhim. “People are curious or sometimes downright nosy, and they wantto know the nitty-gritty of what happened. I don’t tell many peoplethe whole story because it’s nobody’s business, plus I don’t wantanyone to pity me or see me as a victim.Imade the choices that led to anunhappy marriage.Isettled and accepted less than I deserved.”
“Yourex is far from blameless, though. I hope you know that.”
“I do.”It sounds uncertain, which wasn’t my intention, so I say it againmore firmly. “It’s just that this is a pattern for me. Choosing thewrong people, settling for less when I know I deservebetter.”
“Patterns can be broken,” Leland says.
“You’reright. And that’s what I’m attempting to do now. Our pretendrelationship has actually come at the perfect time because it meansI can’t date anyone else. A break from all my crappy choices and achance to get my head on straight will be good.”
We go back toeating, polishing off all the food Leland brought and each openinganother can of beer. I take our dirty dishes to the kitchen and, bythe time I come back, Leland has everything else clearedaway.
“Youknow about my sad love life,” I say. “Now it’s your turn to tell meabout yours.”
“Notmuch to tell, honestly,” Leland says. “Being on the go constantlyfor work didn’t leave much time for dating. I had a semi-seriousgirlfriend about two years ago, but she didn’t like me being awayall the time, which is understandable. Hard to build a life withsomeone who’s rarely around.”
“Do youthink you’ll start dating now that you’re back in Bellevue?” Iask.
He eyes me with atiny smile. “Our arrangement might be temporary and just for show,but I’m a one-woman man.”
The way he’slooking at me makes something tighten in my stomach. It would befar too easy for my emotions—and my hormones—to tie themselves intoknots over Leland. Attempting to deflect and keep things light, Isay, “I feel bad that our little ruse is keeping you from thesingle women of Bellevue.”
He lets out ahearty laugh. “The women of Bellevue can wait. I’m perfectly happybeing right here with you.”
Mycheeks heat and tingle, joining the sensations in the rest of mybody. Whoever Leland ends up with will be incredibly lucky. He’sfun to hang out with and he’s a good listener. He’s funny,thoughtful, and generous. It doesn’t hurt that he’s extremely easyon the eyes. He’s pretty much the whole package. And for now, he’smine, even if he isn’t reallymine.
Without thinking,I pick up the remote and turn on the TV, scrolling through showsand movies without actually seeing them. “So, what would you bedoing if you weren’t with me tonight? What does a regular weeknightlook like for you?”
“Well,since I moved back to town, I’ve mostly been hanging out withFelicity. We’ve been doing a lot of prep work for the store, but wedo other stuff too. We’ve both really enjoyed exploring theVillage. I haven’t gone out much otherwise since I’ve been back intown. What about you?”
“Prettymuch this,” I say, waving the remote at the TV. “I’ve dated a bitsince moving back, but nothing serious. Before Evie and Wesley gottogether, she and I spent most of our free time together. Hollieand Louisa come over a lot too. I suspect the three of them made anagreement not to eat out too often while I don’t have a job sincethey usually end up here with takeout or something for us to cooktogether.”
“Okay,I officially need you and your friends to adopt me into yourgroup,” Leland says.
“Done.”My laugh turns into a gusty sigh. “I just wish it were easier, youknow? Dating, I mean. I hate the thought of online dating, butmeeting people the old-fashioned way seems so difficult, especiallythe older you get and the fewer single people there are to choosefrom.”
Lelandbobs his head in agreement. “Itishard. It’s hard enough making new friends at thisage, but finding someone you connect with on a deeper level?” Heechoes my sigh from a moment ago.
