I’m not sure what to say. All I can think of is ‘thank you’ but that doesn’t seem quite right. Evan nods as if he understands and pats my shoulder. “Keep being patient with him. If he doesn’t get a clue soon, we’ll all gang up on him and help him see the light. Sometimes that’s what it takes with Jasper.”
*****
“Can I get you a drink?” Jasper asks.
It’s a few minutes after nine o’clock. Gwen and Evan have just left for Malcolm and Sherée’s house after a day of laughter, food, and Thanksgiving dinner prep. Thankfully, Evan was successful in fixing the wonky heater and was showered in hugs and kisses from all of us, including a red-faced, sweating Jasper. By the time the apartment had reached non-tropical temperatures, Gwen and I had convinced Jasper to let us help in the kitchen.
“I’d love a glass of wine, thanks.”
Jasper returns from the kitchen a moment later with my glass of wine and a tumbler of what looks like whiskey for himself. He lets out a weary sigh as he collapses into the chair across from mine.
“It’s difficult being a perfectionist, isn’t it?”
His expression doesn’t change, but he laughs under his breath.
“Being a recovering perfectionist myself, I recognize the signs,” I continue. “The need for control. The stubbornness.”
His dark eyebrows inch up. “Stubborn? Me?” He smiles softly, wryly, after the words are out, telling me he knows it’s true. “Believe it or not, I’ve gotten better, especially over the last year. I’ve worked hard to release my need to control everything. That being said, a day like today makes those tendencies rear their head, and shows me I still have work to do.”
“Is there any particular reason for that? Old habits dying hard? Or are you stressed about this being the first official Perry Thanksgiving in years?”
“Should I lie on the couch for this session, Doctor?”
Gotta say, Sarcastic Jasper still surprises and delights me. “Ha ha,” I say dryly. “We don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to know I understand. In my case, my need for control stems from anxiety.”
He eyes me with a steady, searching gaze. After several seemingly endless seconds, he gives a little nod and glances down, swirling his drink and making the ice clink against the glass. “Part of me can’t help but wonder if this will be our last holiday together as a family.”
“Why do you think that?” I ask.
“Now that Malcolm and Sherée have baby Elizabeth, I’m not sure they’ll want to do our usual Christmas get-together. Perhaps they’ll want to start their own traditions or simply be on their own, just the three of them. I wouldn’t blame them if that were the case.” He pauses to take a sip of his drink. “For so many years, those Christmases were our only time together. I imagine the others didn’t particularly want to do it, but they knew our parents would want us to be together. Despite the family dynamics changing this past year and all of us being closer, I still worry. It’s already different with Hadley not here. I was disappointed she chose to be away for the holiday, although I’d never want to stop her from living her own life.”
“That’s understandable.” I wish I could move closer to Jasper. Sit beside him and take his hand or, at the very least, touch him in some way to show him he’s cared for and not alone. I have to remind myselfI’mthe touchy-feely one, not Jasper, and my penchant for physical contact as a form of comfort might not be welcome.
He has that faraway look in his eyes he sometimes gets as he says, “I always thought I’d be married by this point, maybe with a family of my own. But here I am, at forty, and my siblings are surpassing me in life milestones.”
“That’s such a social construct, though,” I say. “I remember feeling panicky when I turned thirty and wasn’t married yet, even though I had a serious boyfriend at the time. It actually took my breakup a year or so later to make me see how ridiculous I’d been. Just because our paths in life are different from what some people consider the norm doesn’t make them wrong.”
Jasper murmurs something that sounds like, “You’re right,” but it’s so soft I’m not sure if I imagined it.
“I get it, though,” I say. “With the exception of Marisol, all my friends are married, getting married, or in serious relationships. It can be hard not to feel like the odd one out sometimes. And I imagine there’s an extra layer of emotion when you’re the oldest sibling watching all your younger brothers and sisters have the lives you thought you’d have by now.”
The shadows clear from his eyes and he looks almost…relieved? “Yes. That’s it exactly, Willow.”
I smile at him and his lips curve the tiniest bit in response. “You know, my former therapist, the one I saw here in Toronto, always reminded me change is a natural and inevitable part of life. So, while your family holidays might look different from now on, you’ll figure it out. Plenty of huge families find a way to make it work. Maybe it’ll just be dinner together instead of a week-long affair. At least you’ll still be together. Or maybe you do one big family thing and then smaller get-togethers, like you going to Evan and Gwen’s or Malcolm and Sherée inviting you to stay for a weekend. Or you, Lina, and Hadley going away somewhere together and having a singles weekend.”
One side of his mouth twitches. I wonder if he’s imagining that last suggestion the way I am now. I have a feeling Hadley wouldn’t love the idea, so I hope if Jasper ever mentions it to her, he leaves my name out of it.
“Thank you, Willow. You’re right about everything. I’ve never been the best at adapting, but I’m seeing perhaps it’s time to learn. Consider it yet another form of stepping outside my comfort zone.”
“There you go. You’ll get there, Jasper. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
He makes a humming noise and settles further into his chair, crossing one leg over the other and leaning his head back. His eyes slip closed and then pop open again. “Would you think I’m terribly dull and an awful host if I turned in now? I had such an early start and I’m—” He pauses, covering his mouth as a yawn shudders through him. He gives his head a little shake, looking sheepish. “I’m so sorry. It’s been a long day. Wonderful, but long.” He gives me a sleepy smile that makes me want to crawl into his lap and cuddle him.
“I don’t mind at all. I think I might go to bed soon myself, but I’d like to unwind a bit more first.”
“Of course, whatever you like.” He gets up and takes his glass to the kitchen. The sound of clinking reaches my ears, and I picture him washing his glass and putting it away. When he returns, he says, “Please make yourself at home. Help yourself to anything, watch TV, peruse my bookshelves.”
He’s back to Formal Jasper all of a sudden. He’s being the courteous host while allIwant to do is ask him to take me to bed with him. I take a sip of wine and get to my feet. Part of me thinks this is my chance to make a move. We’re finally alone, I’m spending the night in his apartment, we’ve just had an intense heart to heart. I could reveal my feelings for him or simply step forward, press my body against his, and tilt my face upward until there’s no mistaking my intent.
