“Right. Of course.” I just barely stop myself from begging him to take me with him as I release my death grip on his arm. I’ve done so well at avoiding TJ until now, and yet short of running back inside, I’m going to have to face him. Alone. I suppose it’s time anyway.
Jasper’s eyes meet mine, and I swear there’s a hint of humor in the dark depths. “Thank you for last night. I had a great time.”
Huh. Maybe Jasper’s not so oblivious after all. I’ll have to remember to give him more credit next time. “It was my pleasure.” I angle my body toward him, catching a glimpse of TJ shifting from foot to foot in my peripheral vision. I smile and mouth ‘thank you’ to Jasper as I lift up on my toes and plant a quick kiss on his cheek.
A hint of color blossoms in Jasper’s cheeks as he steps back. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a man blush before. It’s quite possibly the most endearing thing I’ve ever seen, and it makes those damn butterflies announce their presence in my sternum again.
Jasper nods at TJ and murmurs, “It was nice to meet you.” To me, he says, “Willow, I’ll see you again soon.” He turns for the parking lot around the corner and disappears with a few strides of his long legs.
A moment of silence hangs heavy between us before TJ says, “He doesn’t seem like your type.”
Ignoring the inappropriate statement, I move to cross my arms over my chest, then think better of it and let them hang at my sides. As a lawyer, TJ is well versed in body language, and I don’t want him thinking of my posture as defensive. “Thank you for the flowers you sent to the café yesterday. I really do wish you’d just leave me be, though, TJ. It’s been three years and I’ve moved on. We both know you moved on before that.”
Something akin to guilt flashes across his face, along with a wince. “I meant it when I said I’ve changed, Willow. I know it’s unfair of me to ask you to give me a chance to clear the air, but I have so many regrets about how things ended between us. There was never any true closure.”
He always was persistent. There was a time when I found that trait, along with his confidence, attractive. Despite there being times when his self-assuredness bordered on cocky, I usually found it more amusing than anything. Now I can’t help but compare him to a child who’s used to getting his way and won’t accept anything different.
“I don’t see how us sitting down together over a meal or even coffee is going to change anything. Rehashing the past isn’t my idea of gaining closure. And catching up on what we’ve missed in each other’s lives over the last three years isn’t gaining closure either, it’s opening things up again.”
I expect him to frown or maybe even break out the sad puppy eyes. What Idon’texpect is the almost-smirk that crosses his face. “Are you afraid spending time with me might stir up old feelings?” He takes a step closer and reaches for my arm, giving the sleeve of my sweater a gentle tug.
There’sthat old cockiness. I wish I could scoff and brush him off, but he’s right: that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I pull my sleeve from his grip and fold my arms over my chest, defensive posture be damned. I need to protect my heart from the man who shattered it. “Honestly? Yes.”
His eyebrows lift at my words and the smirk softens into a wistful smile. “Willow—”
I cut him off before he can say anything else. “I can’t let that happen. Iwon’t.Getting over you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. You didn’t just break my heart, TJ, you shook my confidence and made me doubt so many things about myself. It took me a long time to rebuild, and Ilikewho I am now. I’ve worked hard to become this person, and I won’t let anything or anyonetake that away from me.”
His eyes are wide now. I flick my gaze away from his so I won’t be affected by the remorse there. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, taking a step back. I hadn’t realized how tight my chest was until he’s out of my personal space and I can breathe easier. “Trulysorry, Willow. I was an idiot and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life, but…that’s on me.”
All I can do is nod.
“Do you believe it’s possible for people to change, Willow? Really change? I thinkyou’vechanged. Part of the reason I wish I hadn’t fucked up so badly is because I’d love to get to know the person you are now. I think maybe she and I could be friends.”
“I do believe people can change, and you’re right that I have. Maybe we can and evenwillbe friends someday, I don’t know. The best I can offer you right now is to be cordial.”
His lips twitch. “Raspberry cordial?”
I swallow a laugh. “Don’t.” I point a threatening finger at him, even though my voice doesn’t hold any heat. “Don’t use my love ofAnne of Green Gablesto try to sway me.”
He nods, pressing his lips together. I think he’s attempting to hold back a grin, but the telltale smile lines around his eyes pop through anyway. I hate how those crinkles make me nostalgic. I hate that he remembers our old inside jokes and that the way to my heart is through fandom references.
“Right,” he says. “If cordial is all you can offer for now, I’ll take it. And I promise not to seek you out again. I can see now how wanting to clear the air was selfish on my part.”
“Thank you.” I hitch my purse up on my shoulder again and take a small step back. “For what it’s worth, I do believe you when you say you’re sorry. And…well…” I was going to say ‘maybe eventually we can move past everything and be friends’ but I don’t know if that’s what I want. So much has changed in such a short period of time, and I’m still adjusting to this new life.
“Yeah.” Somehow that word holds a world of understanding. “I’ll see you around, Willow. Take care of yourself.”
“You too, TJ,” I murmur as he walks away.
Whether he meant it to or not, this conversation—and seeing him looking more gorgeous than ever, plus feeling that painfully familiar pull to him—has opened up old feelings, both good and bad. While I knew I couldn’t avoid TJ forever, this is the reason Ihavebeen avoiding him since I returned to Bellevue.
Dr. Gupta, the therapist I saw in Toronto, often reminded me avoidance was what led to the depressive spiral that caused me to seek out professional help. I left Bellevue hoping for a fresh start, even though I knew I couldn’t leave my emotional baggage behind any more than my actual baggage. It seems Ididleave some of it here, though, and I was just reunited with it.
Irritation flares through me as I march toward the parking lot. While I’m proud of myself for finally facing TJ and saying some of what I’ve wanted to say, Dr. Gupta’s voice whispers through my mind telling me I now need to confront all the emotions our unexpected meeting stirred up.
I’m reminded of the journal I started keeping at Dr. Gupta’s suggestion a few years ago. I splurged on a beautiful sketchbook that would allow me to write what I was thinking and feeling while also drawing and getting creative with stickers. A friend I worked with bought me a set of Adulting planner stickers with sayings like ‘put on real pants’, ‘did the dishes’, and ‘ate a vegetable’.
I haven’t written or drawn in my journal for a few months now, but I imagine using one of the leftover blank stickers on today’s date in the planner I started using when Marisol and I opened Cravings. I wonder if I have a leftover blank gold star and if ‘survived confrontation with my ex’ would fit.
