Before I can say anything, he presses his lips to my forehead again and sits up. “How about that tea and tiramisu after all?”
*****
The evening creeps toward midnight as we huddle together on Kieran’s bed and drink cups of milky tea while feeding each other tiramisu. He tells me about his classes and the friends he’s been making at school. After some gentle prodding, he tells me more about Aileen; I’m not the type to get jealous over a long-ago ex, but I want to know everything about Kieran, and that includes his romantic history. I also like to know what I’m up against in terms of any baggage he might still be carrying when it comes to the woman who broke his heart.
I tell him about my minuscule dating history before making a not-so-smooth segue into the travel articles I’ve been writing. And then I explainwhyI’ve been writing them. I tell him all about my mom. How she adopted me—how shechoseme—and always made me her top priority and loved me with everything she had. I tell him about my childhood and how even though it was always just the two of us, I never felt like anything was missing from my life. I tell him about her diagnosis and her decision to move into Birch Hill. And then I tell him about her insisting I stop visiting her so I’d remember the amazing life we had together and the incredible woman she was before Alzheimer’s ravaged her mind.
The words pour out of me and keep coming, flooding from somewhere I’ve kept blocked off. Everyone in my life already knows about my mom, so this is the first time in ages I’ve shared my story. I rarely talk about her anymore even with my closest friends. Maybe it’s felt safer to keep thoughts of her locked away in my mind, just for me—the good parts and the sorrow. The happy memories and the all-consuming grief. It might not be the healthiest way to deal with things, but it’s worked so far.
Kieran doesn’t say much, he just wipes away my stray tears as they fall. By the time I’m finished, he reaches for the box of tissues on his desk and takes one before handing the box to me. With gentle movements, he wipes at my cheeks. When he swipes at my chin and neck, I give him a questioning look, then notice the tissue is soaked. I touch my damp face; I’d barely even registered the tears falling except when Kieran would dash them away.
I open my mouth to say something—to apologize for rambling on and on or for crying a virtual river—but he settles back against the wall and opens his arms. I fall against his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly against him and running his other hand over my hair. The movement, paired with his quiet breathing and steady heartbeat lull me until my eyelids begin to grow heavy. It must be after midnight by now and I really should go…
The next thing I know, I’m blinking awake, wondering why Kieran turned the light on. My eyes focus and I realize it’s not the overhead light that’s flooding the room, it’s sunshine. We’re lying down now, with me squished against the wall and Kieran lying precariously close to the edge of the bed.
I cast my bleary eyes toward the radio clock. A surge of panic rushes through me when I see it’s seven thirty.Shit!I have to be to work in half an hour.
Easing into a sitting position, I survey the bed and try to figure out the best way to get up without waking Kieran—or worse, sending him crashing to the floor. He mentioned yesterday he doesn’t have class until early afternoon today, so there’s no sense in waking him. Carefully raising myself to my knees, I hold my breath as I fling one leg over Kieran’s body. My foot touches the floor, and I leverage myself over him, feeling pretty damn proud when he doesn’t stir. With both feet firmly on the floor, my breath whooshes out in relief.
I creep across the room and grab my shoes. If I leave now, I should have just enough time to make it home, change my clothes—no time to shower, but what can you do?—and only be a few minutes late to work. I’ll call Ivy from the car to warn her I’ll likely be a little late. This is one of those times it pays to be best friends with the bosses.
Glancing up to see if Kieran is still asleep, I spot an open notebook on his desk. I’ll leave a note thanking him for last night and promising to call him later. Part of me wants to wake him, but at this point it would just make me even later. Besides, he looks so peaceful and so beautiful, and after the emotional roller coaster of last night he deserves to sleep in.
I’ve just finished tying my shoes when he begins to stir. His eyes open and blink a few times before settling on me. A smile automatically inches across his face, but it changes quickly to confusion and then…disappointment? With his eyes on my feet, he shoves himself upright and sits on the edge of the bed.
He opens his mouth and closes it again, releasing a long sigh. His elbows move to his knees and he drops his head, rubbing his hands over his face before looking at me again. “I thought we worked things out, Meredith. I thought you were going to trust me—trustus—and not run away again. When are you going to get out of your own way?”
It takes a few beats for his words to sink in. And then another for me to comprehend what he’s actually saying. He thinks I’m running away. “When am I going to get out of my own way?” I laugh bitterly, crossing my arms over my chest. “If that’s what you really think of me, maybe Ishouldmake a run for it. Which wasnotwhat I was doing, by the way. I was leaving because I have to be to work in less than half an hour. I didn’t want to wake you, so I was going to leave a note.”
Kieran’s eyes widen as I speak, and color floods his cheeks. He opens his mouth, but I’m pissed and hurt now, so I barrel on before he can say anything.
“Do you honestly think after everything we talked about last night, after everything I told you, after Iliterallycried myself to sleep in your arms that I would wake up this morning and be like ‘nah, this isn’t for me after all’?” I turn and pace toward the door, which isn’t exactly satisfying since it’s only a few steps. Facing the door, I take a deep breath. And another. My heart is pounding and I’m on the verge of tears.
The creaking of springs makes me spin around. Kieran is standing now, moving a few tentative steps forward. I feel myself softening as I take in his adorably disheveled state and his contrite expression. Because the thing is, despite my hurt and anger, I can’t blame him for jumping to conclusions. I screwed up a few weeks ago. Even though we had an amazing night last night and opened ourselves up to each other, sometimes the subconscious mind holds on to things for longer than we expect.
Don’t fuck this up already, Meredith.
“I’m so sorry.” His words are as rough as gravel. He scrubs a hand over his face again, momentarily covering his still-pink cheeks. “I can’t believe what an arse I am. Last night I…I’ve never connected to anyone like that before. I should have known better and I’m sorry.” He takes another step forward and reaches for me.
I don’t hesitate to take his hand. He draws me to him and we wrap our arms around each other. Our bodies are pressed so tightly together I can feel his heart beating against my chest.
“I guess we both still have some stuff to work through,” I say. “But I meant it last night when I said I’m all in.”
“I meant it too.” He eases me back, keeping his hands firmly on my shoulders. “We can get through this together. We just have to believe in each other. Lean on each other. Not assume the worst.” He winces as he says the last part, and I can’t help but chuckle. I also can’t help leaning forward to plant a quick kiss on his lips.
“I hate to leave, but I really do need to get to work.”
“If I could get to the Village in the late morning, do you think you could spare some time to meet me for lunch? Or even tea? I know we’ve sorted things, but I hate leaving it like this.”
“My lunch break on this earlier shift is at eleven.” I glance at my watch. I’m going to besolate. I should probably eat at my desk and keep working, but I want to see Kieran. I still feel raw after our talk last night, and being with him comforts me. “Do you think you could meet me at the Village café at eleven?”
His bright smile tells me I made the right choice. I’ll just have to bank on the fact Ivy loves me and wants to see me happy. “I’ll be there.”
