“Constantly,” Petra says, shooting me a wink. Guilt gnaws at me for spending most of dinner lost in my own little world. Luckily, Kitty and Petra don’t seem to mind. I still need to get it together, though.
By the time I finish eating, the other two girls who were at the table have left, and Kieran and his friend have shoved their trays aside and brought out sketchbooks. I take advantage of their distraction and tell Kitty and Petra I’d better get going. Gathering my tray, I shoot one last glance Kieran’s way. My chest tightens when I find him watching me. The tightness turns to a vice when, for the first time tonight, he doesn’t look away. The longer our eyes hold, the more I’m sure he looks as lost and uncertain as I feel. I’m not sure whether that makes me feel better or worse.
Forcing myself to move, I pick up my tray and say, “It was nice meeting you both.” I don’t address Kieran by name because I wasn’t paying attention when Kitty introduced everyone. The other guy gives me a smile and says he hopes to see me around again. All I get from Kieran is a short nod before he drops his gaze back to the sketchbook.
I say goodbye to Petra and accept Kitty’s offer to walk me out. We leave our trays in the designated area and head through the cafeteria toward the front of the building where I’m parked. Kitty doesn’t say anything and I don’t either because I’m dwelling on the expression on Kieran’s face before I left.
“You know Kieran somehow, don’t you?” Kitty asks when we step out into the cool evening air.
I fumble my keys, dropping them on the ground. Kitty scoops them up, enclosing them in her fist rather than handing them to me. I guess this is her way of ensuring I’ll answer her.
“Yes. We…know each other.” I contemplate what to say beyond that. The same confidentiality rules that stopped me from telling her about Kieran in the first place still apply. Just because I know I can trust Kitty doesn’t mean I can break Kieran’s—or HTC’s—confidence.
“You know, it’s funny,” Kitty says before I can say anything else. “The other day in group, Alejandro was talking about rules, especially the rules we put in place for ourselves. They’re there to protect us, to keep us safe. But sometimes they make a convenient excuse for why we think we can’t do something.”
Awareness zings through me, making the hairs on the back of my neck lift. “Where are you going with this, Kitty?”
“Well, it’s just that I happened to look over while Alejandro was speaking and I saw your expression. You had this intense look like you understood exactly what he was saying. He was talking about his eating disorder recovery and the rules were in relation to dieting and exercise and perception, but they could apply to a lot of other things, right? And I felt like you understood that.”
She pauses, reaching for my hand and dropping my keys into my palm. “I guess this is my roundabout way of saying I’m glad you broke the rules when it came to me. We met in what a lot of people would see as a strange, unconventional way, but life is strange and unconventional sometimes, don’t you think? Some rulesarethere to keep us safe and others are meant to be broken. They’re there because weputthem there, but that also means we can be the ones to remove them.”
Sometimes when I’m with Kitty the age gap between us is glaringly evident. There are times, like when she uses a certain slang phrase or plays a song that sounds more like noise than music, that I feel absolutely ancient. But right now, Kitty feels much older and wiser than her twenty years. Definitely wiser than I’ve been lately.
“And what if you realize certain rules are meant to be broken, but it’s too late?” I ask. “You’ve missed your chance.”
“I’d say…with some things, it’s never too late.” She glances at her watch and gives me a rueful smile. “ButI’mgoing to be late to the movies with Petra if I don’t leave now. I can cancel if you wanna hang out and talk more. Or you can come with us. Who needs sleep anyway?”
I laugh. “Ask me that question in another decade or so.” We share a long, tight embrace and I thank her for everything, promising to take a rain check on the movie night.
On the walk to my car, I replay my conversation with Kitty. I can’t help wondering if it really is too late for anything to happen with Kieran. The mixed signals he gave me tonight could be attributed to his surprise at seeing me. He could have thought—and who knows, maybehoped—he’d never see me again, and then there I was all of a sudden in his space. His reaction could have been true indifference because he’s either over what happened or it didn’t mean as much to him as it meant to me…orhe could have acted that way because that’s how he thoughtheshouldact.
What if I do still have a chance with him? Wouldn’t it be better to find out now than to continue torturing myself? Not to mention there’s a chance I’ll chicken out if I don’t act on these thoughts. I’ve almost reached my car when I whip around, intent on marching back to the cafeteria in the hopes Kieran is still there.
I’ve only made it a few steps when I see Kieran standing at the edge of the parking lot. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and rocks back and forth on his heels. We’re both frozen where we stand, neither of us making a move to join the other. I suddenly wish life were like the movies; we’d both start running, I’d leap into his arms, and we’d kiss until we’re both breathless.
He’s the first to move. I still feel like I’m rooted to the pavement. When he gets closer, passing under one of the pole-mounted lights, I see a mixture of hope and wariness crossing his features.
It seems to take an eternity for him to reach me, even though it’s only a matter of seconds. The few feet of space he leaves between us feels like a huge chasm. He narrows his eyes, studying my face intently before giving the barest of nods, as if he’s decided something.
“This may sound strange since we just met and all, but I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime.”
A sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob escapes me. I’m not sure who reaches out first, but the next thing I know I’m in Kieran’s arms and we’re kissing like our lives depend on it. I clutch at his shirt, fisting it in both hands as he grips my waist, holding me tight.
He pulls away first, breathless. His fingers move to my face, brushing tears from my cheeks. I register the moisture glistening in his eyelashes, and my heart contracts, aching in the sweetest way when I realize our unexpected reunion has made him as emotional as it’s made me.
“I don’t usually kiss girls I just met,” he says.
His shirt is still clenched in my fists, so I release it, moving my hands to his shoulders. “I hope you’ll get used to kissing me.”
“I’d like that.” His smile is less tentative than before, but it still wavers around the edges. “I’ve missed you, Meredith.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry for being so stupid.”
He shakes his head, brushing his thumb over my cheek again. “We have a lot to talk about if we’re going to move forward from here, but I need to get back and finish a big assignment for class. Are you free tomorrow night?”
“Yes.” I answer without hesitation. Neither of us makes a move to release the other. I don’t want to leave, even though I know I have to. Part of me worries I’ve fallen asleep at my desk yet again, and I’ll wake up, breathless and heart aching, to discover this was all a dream.
“Right. Okay. Tomorrow then. I’ll call you later to make plans,” he says. I nod and he places a sweet, chaste kiss on my lips. His gaze hasn’t stopped moving over my face, as if making sure I’m real and this is actually happening. I know exactly how he feels; my fingers keep tightening compulsively on his shoulders, ensuring he’s not a figment of my overtired brain. Finally, we step apart and he waits while I get into my car, giving me a little wave as I pull out of my parking spot.
I drive away from Loyola with a smile on my face and a glimmer of hope I was afraid had been snuffed out for good.
