“Who said I didn’t want kids?”
“You did. Last night when you thought Jase and Heather were pregnant. You said, ‘Glad it’s not me, but good for them.’” She did her very best impression of his deep voice.
He reeled like she was the one tossing out right hooks. “I didn’t know the baby was mine.”
“Exactly.” He had been more honest because he didn’t know. He couldn’t change that.
He stepped forward like she was a scared Lothario and he had to be cautious. “You don’t keep something as important as this to yourself.”
Now, she was just getting mad. “Yes, Eli. The time to tell someone he’s going to be a dad is directly after his declaration that he is so relieved that it’s not his kid.”
“No, that’s the time to have sex instead,” he clipped.
Her fingertips pressed against her lips.
He was lashing out. Yes, she should’ve figured out how to tell him. How was she supposed to do that when she knew it’d ruin everything they were building? “That’s not what it felt like, Eli. It didn’t feel like just sex. It felt to me like the start of maybe you wanting me. It felt like you were trying to tell me something when you couldn’t find the words. And I thought maybe if you wanted me, you’d want our baby, too.”
She had to finish. This wasn’t the time, but it was what they had. So she’d see it through.
“I mean, you’ve barely started to wantme,” she continued. “I didn’t want to scare you away with the rest of it.”
“Barely want you?” His expression got dark. Heavy. He closed his eyes and he dropped against the wall, his head falling back so it hit the plaster.
“I get it, Eli. You’re scared that you’re going to care for people and those people might need you. You’re terrified that you’ll have to take care of everyone like you did when you were a kid. You’re scared beyond reason that you’ll have to give up your restaurant dream.” Marlee stepped closer, reached for his jaw, stroked the little bit of stubble there. “And I get you. Which is why I wanted to give you some time to get used to us before I added in a complication.”
He turned his chin to the inside of her wrist.
“Fuck.” Eli pressed his hand against his forehead.
“You don’t have to do anything for me. For the baby. I’ve got a job with benefits. The baby will be well taken care of, and you can be as involved or uninvolved as you want.” She took in a deep breath of cold air, letting it fill her lungs, wishing it would freeze the pain of this conversation. “You can go do whatever you want to do. You don’t have to worry about us.”
This wasn’t exactly how Marlee had planned on getting her life in order, but it’s all she had to work with.
“Fuck,” he said again.
Marlee’s breaths came out shaky, but she’d get through this night. Then she’d get on with her life. He always wanted to start over, go back, and try again. On that thought, she asked, “If you could rewind time, not go to Vegas, not marry me, not find out we’re pregnant, what would you feel? Deep down.”
He didn’t respond. Glanced away. Apparently, the little pebbles along the edge of the asphalt were suddenly intriguing.
His not saying anything? It said everything.
A tear slipped from her eyelid. “You’d feel relieved. That’s the emotion.”
“Yeah,” he said, short. A quick dagger straight through her heart.
That? That acknowledgement? That right there killed her. Murdered any hope that she’d had that they could make this work.
“I’m going to take off.” She started toward the parking lot. Toward her car. Away from Eli.
He hurried to catch up with her. “Mar, this has been a lot. It’s a lot to process. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t need some time to process it.”
Sometimes, taking the time to figure out how something would affect you costs the future. Because sometimes, there was no going back. No do-overs.
“Do you believe in love at first sight?” she asked.
Because she hadn’t. Not before the morning they woke up together in Vegas. Maybe she hadn’t known that’s what she was feeling, but she understood now.
“That’s how it is with you,” she continued, “but not the first time we met. Not when I was in high school. For me, it was the morning we woke up married. It felt right. Like it was always supposed to be. I’d seen you a million times, but that morning? That morning was love at first sight.”
