His gaze sliced to her. Settled there, exposing her. “You were lonely. You don’t know how to do alone. And I was there.”
Ouch.
“That’s really what you think?” she asked.
The thing was that Eli wasn’t being a jerk. She knew that, understood that this was Eli calling it like he thought he saw it. But still, his words cut to the bone.
He really believed that. That she’d just loved him because she couldn’t be alone.
Screw that. “Loneliness is all you know, Eli. And that’s sad. You’re so scared that people might need you that you can’t see everybody already does.”
He glanced away.
“And the craziest part?” she continued. “The craziest part is that you need us, too. You need me, and I need you. That’s our love story, Eli. It may not be the story I’d have written for myself. It may not be anything you even thought you wanted. But it’sourstory.”
“Mar.” He had a look like she’d gut-punched him. “You’ve had a load of shit to deal with lately. We both have feelings for each other, but I think they’re getting all twisted in the craziness.”
How could she stay and just hope that someday he’d feel the same way about her? She started walking again. He didn’t get it. He was too wrapped up in being scared of all the baggage that came with relationships to see what he was missing and what he was going to miss. She stopped, turned one more time.
He stood next to the streetlamp over the parking lot, the halo of light flooding the asphalt around him. The image was branded in her brain—the way his eyes seemed to have more lines than before, the way his lips pressed together, the way his hands slung low on his hips.
“Do you know how scary it is to be the one who loves you more?” she whispered. “The risk is even more than I ever imagined. And I get it now. I get why Scotty held on so long. He wanted to get back to this. To the way I feel about you. To have this and then lose it? I thought I knew devastation before. I had no clue.” Another tear fell over the edge of her eyelid, making a trail down her cheek.
“Mar.” His voice was low. Warning. Jaw clenched. His posture drooped. He started to step toward her, paused, and then stood right there. Never able to truly move forward.
“You don’t need me. And I need you. And I can’t be the one who loves you more.” She hurried toward her car. This time, she didn’t look back.
Eli didn’t think she knew how to be alone, but if she were totally honest? She’d spent a good deal of the past years alone. It might not make any sense to anyone else, because technically she’dbeenwith Scotty. Spent tons of time with him. Looking back? She’d been lonelier than she’d ever realized.
“Marlee.” This time, her name wasn’t a warning. It was a plea. But Marlee couldn’t go back. The time had come for the future. Her future. Their baby’s future. Even Eli’s.
She shook her head.
The ball was in her court. But she was done playing.
She dug the key fob from her bra and clicked it. She didn’t need to glance behind her to know that Eli would wait for her to be safe in the car before he went back inside.
Because despite everything Eli ever said—all the starts and stops, everything she knew to be true about him—deep down, he was always watching out for the ones he cared about.
Until he realized it for himself, he’d always be stuck. Always going backward.
As long as that was happening, she had no place in his life. There was only forward for Marlee.
* * *
“Sorry, dude.”Marlee gave Lothario a snuggle. “He’s got to figure out what he wants. Until then, it’s you, me, and Thumper.”
Velma had sent Marlee some magazine articles on pregnancy. One of them encouraged her to give the baby a cutesy name. The idea was that if the baby had an adorable-sounding name, then giving birth to it wouldn’t scare the crap out of her so much.
So far, it’d only worked minimally. Since she was still in the first hours of the experiment, she figured she’d withhold judgement on whether this actually worked or not.
Lothario stuck his nose in the air. He seemed to understand they were moving out of Eli’s apartment, and he was not happy.
Marlee had packed her bags, loaded them in the car, and now, she was waiting. Waiting for Eli. Because even if she was moving forward and he was standing still, this was his Thumper. He deserved to know where she was going to be—a long-term motel until she found a real apartment.
After she’d left the fundraiser, she’d picked up Lothario from Babushka and then texted Sadie, Velma, Heather, and Claire so they’d know she was fine. Then she’d texted Kelli and Becca, but Sadie had already filled them in.
She was as fine as she could be, given that she was pretty sure she and Eli were over. Over-ish. She held hope that he’d come around.
