I hadn’t come here expecting to care so much, but Idid.
“I can do it,” I added, getting my tone halfway under control as the pain started to fade.
“Felix, you’re?—”
“Fine.”
I was fine. I’d be fine. I could do this. I’d never dance professionally again. I knew that. But I could dothis.
“Felix,” Amelia said, in a tone my mother could only have dreamed of perfecting. “You listen to me. The past is in the past, and you can’t get it back. All you can do is move forward. Your glory days are gone and you have to accept it or you’ll eat yourself from the inside. Look at me.”
I did look at her. I wasn’t sure I could have avoided it when she said it in that tone, firm and commanding. She could have been the Mistress of a serious company, if she wanted.
Should have been, if she hadn’t been forced to retire so early.
“I know what you’re feeling right now. I’ve felt it. So take some advice from me, okay? You’re going to be in pain every single day of your life, forever, and youcan’tjust stretch it out. This is different. If you push too hard, you make it worse. You could make it worse forever. Is that what you want? You got tossed in this hole through random bad luck, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep digging.”
But I wasn’t pushingtoo hard. I was barely pushing at all. It had beenfourth position. I was about to tell a bunch of six-year-olds to do it as a gentle warmup.
“You brought me here to win this competition for you,” I said, the words bitter as they tripped off my tongue. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t like this.
Except maybe I was now. Maybe I was bitter. Maybe I had every right to be. None of this was myfault. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I didn’t deserve any of it.
Amelia drew a breath to speak, squaring her shoulders—presumably to give me the chewing out Ididdeserve for speaking to her like that.
The creak of the door opening and Aisha slipping through it, skipping over to the barre in her little leotard as her mother dropped her bag on the bench, stopped her.
“I’m running this class,” I said, as neutrally as I could. My mouth tasted of ash. “I’m winning this competition. That’s what you brought me here for.”
Amelia pursed her lips, hands on hips, but now Sarah had come in, squealing in delight as she saw Aisha and bounding over to throw her arms around her friend. Argument over.
It didn’t feel at all like a victory, but I had a class to teach.
16
COOPER
“You okay?”
Felix had been quiet when I’d come to pick Benji up after class, promising my dad I’d put in a few extra hours next week to make up for taking off early. The day was beautiful, blue skies dotted with cotton candy clouds, a salty breeze coming in off the bay, the sounds of people milling around in the sunshine filling the whole town with a murmur of contentment.
The one storm cloud on the horizon was hanging directly over Felix’s head, and I didn’t know why. He’d seemed fine—happy—when he’d left after breakfast. Something must’ve happened in the meantime.
I wanted to know. Iwantedto fold him into a hug until it was okay again.
He was also limping. We were only walking as far as the park where Benji had agreed to meet with some of his non-ballet friends to play this afternoon. It was maybe two, three hundred yards from the studio at most, but halfway there, I wanted to offer to sit down a minute for Felix’s sake.
Benji had skipped ahead, catching up with one of the friends he was meant to be meeting and his mom. I could still see him, but he was far enough away not to overhear us.
“Fine,” Felix said without so much as glancing at me. He was scowling at the pavement like it’d cut him off in traffic.
“You don’t seem fine.”
Felix stopped dead. The look he turned on me made me stop, too. I’d never seen a look on his face like this, sharp and harsh.
“Felix,” I said, voice gentler this time. “You can tell me.”
“Why is everyone getting on my dick today?” Felix asked, face twisting. “I said I was fine.”
