I shook my head. “No. Somethingwaybetter than chocolate.”
If anything could convince Felix of how I felt, I knew exactly what it was.
27
Felix
“What doyoumeanthey’re not accepting it?” I asked, shocked by what I’d just heard.
I’d worked so hard. I’d ruined my relationship with the best friend I’d ever had. I’d done everything they’deverasked me to do and now I couldn’t have this one thing? One thing that meant so much to me, that would mean so much to so many people.
“I told you it was a long shot,” Angelica said.
“But it was a done deal! Riley said—”
“I know,” she interrupted. “Iknow, Felix. I thought it was all but official too. But Riley isn’t the last rung of the ladder, he’s gotta answer to—”
“Colin,” I said.
FuckingColin. It wasn’t bad enough that he’d broken my heart and laughed in my face while he was doing it, it wasn’t enough to harass Kieran, he had to dothis, too.
What did I ever do to him?
“Colin,” Angelica confirmed. “And other people, don’t get me wrong. But if I had to guess who was calling the shots here…”
“FuckingColin,” I said aloud, on the verge of tears now.
Everything I’d done wasn’t enough. I’d tried to be the perfect model gay man, I’d found myself the perfect boyfriend—and thenlosthim, and lost my best friend at the same time.
All for nothing.
“Is there anything we can do?” I asked, sniffing to hold tears back a little longer. I couldn’t afford to break down right now. If I had to rewrite the book, it’d take…
Forever. Because I didn’twantto. It was perfect as it was, and it was the one place I got to have my happily-ever-after with Kieran. I couldn’t change it. My heart wouldn’t let me.
It wasn’t as though I was one of those ridiculous authors who put all kinds of stupid things in their contract. This was the only thing I’d ever asked for. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have it.
“Well…” Angelica trailed off.
“Well?” I asked, grasping for any shred of hope I could find.
“You can pull the book,” she said. “There’s a clause in your contract about this, kind of. We can definitely make it about this. But it’d mean pulling all of them. Finding a new publisher. Paying back your advance. You’d be taking a hit, career-wise and financially.”
… and so would Angelica. She wasn’t saying it, and I knew she wouldn’t ever hold it over my head, but it was a lot to ask of her.
On the other hand, it wasimportant. If I didn’t fight for this now, how could I look myself in the mirror? I might as well tattooselloutacross my forehead.
“I…”
How was I supposed to figure out what was right, here? Maybe Icouldrewrite it, maybe this one series couldn’t be explicitly queer, but thenextone…
If there was a next one. Colin being in charge of my career now all but guaranteed there wouldn’t be—at least, not the storyIwanted to tell. And I wasn’t sure I could abandon everything to write what my publisher thought would sell.
Not least of all because I was pretty sure they were wrong.
And even if they weren’t, the kids were more important. The kids who’d read these stories over the past five years, who’d grown up with Alex, who needed to see him as the fully realized, beautiful, vibrant, flawed, kind, noble,bisexualperson he was.
They needed to see themselves there.
