We were good at listening toeach other. I loved my friends and theydidlisten to me, but the wayAshley listened was different.
“What happened?” I asked.
Ashley huffed a humorlesslaugh. “Hepromised me formonthsthat he’d take me to prom, that we’d both come outtogether, that as long as I was with him he’d be brave. And then he took KateyFellowes instead. And dated her until we graduated. Without ever… I mean, hestill… came to me.”
“Oh.”
“I shouldn’t be telling youthis,” he said. “I’m sorry, this is supposed to be a nice night.”
“You don’t ever talk toanyone about this,” I said, not needing his confirmation to know the truth.
Ashley was so busy beingupbeat for everyone else that these moments of vulnerability were rare andprecious, and I wanted them. I wanted every second I could have of them, ofAshley opening up and taking comfort in someone else for a change.
Being that for other peoplemade me feeluseful. I’d felt so useless for so long, and here was Ashley,telling me about a past he never told anyone about because he trusted me.Because I’d made him feel safe enough to do it.
Thatwas what I’d wanted fromthis job. To make people who needed it feel safe.
Gray was going to have tostart setting aside this kind of client for me more often.
“I was so fucking stupid Ilethim, y’know?” Ashleysaid. “Just until he could get his hands on his college fund, he said. Then wecould come out and it didn’t matter if his parents disowned us, we’d get alittle apartment somewhere and get out of there. And you know, I think he meantit? Like, I think some part of him really wanted to do that. I’m sorry he didn’tget to.”
Too sweet for his own good.Not that it was much of a surprise. Ashley was nothingbutsweet,always.
I could see the guilt on hisface at telling me this, and I wanted to wipe it off. He was allowed to hurt.He was allowed to want to scream and rage against all the unfair things that’d happened to him,none of them his fault.
“Anyway, then he told me he’dhave to go and get his degree first, or his parents wouldn’t pay for it, but wecould still see each other when he came home for the holidays. And we did, andwe still kept it quiet, and I was a good, attentive secret boyfriend who’d doanything to keep him because he was all I had.”
I reached out, brushing myhand against Ashley’s. Comfort, a reminder that it wasn’t all he hadnow, something.Anything to ease the pain in his voice.
“And then he finishedcollege, and he was going off to start his big job in Phoenix, and… he didn’twant me anymore. After promising me and promising me. One more year, one moresemester, two more weeks and we’d be free.I love you, Ashley. I’ll take care ofyou.But he didn’t.He was never going to. And the stupid thing is, I knew. I knew he was cheatingon me, I knew I was just his only safe option at home. Imusthave known,because we had fights over protection, and that was the one thing I wouldn’t budge on.Which would never have mattered if I thought he was being honest. So,sostupid.”
I couldn’t take itanymore.
Without a word, I moved tostand in front of Ashley, tears stinging at the corners of my eyes. “You were beingsmart,” I said. “Okay? That was smart. He was your only lifeline, too, it’s notwrong that you clung to him.Hewas doing the wrong thing. Not you.”
I reached out, brushing myknuckles against Ashley’s jawline.
Mentally, I was writing Mike’s name on myshitlist in permanent marker. I wondered for a half-second ifhecould be the oneharassing Ashley, but that didn’t make sense.
Still. He’d have a happierlife if he never ran into me without witnesses.
Ashley’s hand settledin the center of my chest, and for a moment I thought he was about to push meaway, but the shove never came. His fingers curled into my shirt, playing withone of the buttons. Shy and quiet.
A glimpse of what he’d been likebefore.
I leaned in, breathing inthe faint, sweet notes of champagne on his lips, smiling to myself at thethought that it suited him.
He tasted of it, too. Thesoft gasp as his lips parted made my stomach flutter, a sudden flood of warmthtraveling south.
Arousal, but somethingelse,too. Something warmer and softer.
Affection, my brainsupplied, dusting off the concept for me. It’d been a long time since Ifelt like this. Maybe I never had.
Not likethis. Notlike Ashley’shappiness and pleasure were the most important things in the whole world to meright now. Like hearing him sigh into my mouth was the best thing that’d everhappened.
I wanted this, and I couldn’t see any reasonnot to have it. Not when Ashley wanted it, too. Wanted andneeded.
His problems were biggerthan I could solve in the time we had, but I could give him this. Comfort andwarmth and a night where he didn’t have to think about what was coming next.
