“Not if he comes with me,” Isaid, desperate.
“And you’re sure that’ll beforever?”
Yes.
God, yes, I was sure. I didn’t know how orwhy I was sure, but I knew when I looked at Ashley that I was seeing whatforever looked like to me.
But I couldn’t know if hefelt the same way, and if hedidn’t, and he gave all this upfor me and then… wanted to move on, he’d never be able to come back here. He’dbe throwing away a lifeline for me, if he agreed.
And if he didn’t agree, it’dbreak things between us. I knew it would. Not because I wouldn’t still want tobe there for him no matter what, but because that was the kind of thing thatput a crack in a relationship. It’d always be there, a chasm between us that’dwiden and widen as time went by.
I wasn’t stupid. I knewwhat the risks were.
That was why I hadn’t asked.
“It’s good that you’rehesitating,” Grandma said. “If you didn’t care about what was best for him, you’djust go with whatever madeyouhappy.”
It hit me like an elbow tothe jaw that I didn’t care what would make me happy.
Whatever would make Ashleyhappy was what would make me happy. Even if that meant I had to let this go.
I didn’twantto, but if it wasthe way to his happiness…
“I can’t make this decisionfor you,” Grandma said. “But I plan on supporting Ashley whatever he decides.”
I sipped my hot chocolate,sighing at the comforting warmth and sweetness. I could see now how Ashley hadsurvived all this time. His grandma was a balm for the soul.
“I wanna show you something,”she said, standing. “I never thought I’d get to do this, so humor me.”
“Sure,” I agreed. I didn’twant Ashley to wake alone, but I didn’t want to keep him up tossing andturning, either. If I went back right now, that was what would happen.
I watched her dig into theback of a low cupboard, pulling out archive boxes and empty canning jars as shewent. Part of me wanted to offer help, but she seemed to be having an easiertime bending down than I would have. If I got down on my knees, I might neverhave gotten up again.
“I’ve beendreaming about showing someone these for years,” she said, blowing dust off aphoto album that looked older than me.
“Baby pictures?”I asked, a bubble of excitement welling up in my stomach. I loved the idea ofseeing Ashley’s baby pictures.
“From when hewas born until now,” Grandma said, pride in her voice. “I keep ‘em all in here.Even print out the selfies he sends me. Bought one of those phone printers justso I could.”
She lovedAshley. Loved him like he deserved to be loved, without a hint of reservation.
The ancientplastic sheets crackled as she opened them to a picture of Ashley’sdad holding a little swaddled bundle. I could only see a tiny nose poking out,but I would have recognized Ashley’s sweet little nose anywhere.
“Look at thelook on Hank’s face,” she said.
Ashley’sdad was glowing as he looked down at him, the same way Kimmy had looked at Miawhen she’d been born. Hell, the same wayI’dlooked at Mia.
I saw the waythey all looked at him now and wondered how all that love could just…evaporate. Did it matterthatmuch that hewasn’t what they expected?
… of course itdid. I’d been through that myself, hadn’t I?
I’djust thought I was the only one. And I’d thought it was myfault. Istill… thought it was my fault, for being kind of an idiot, for notgrowing up to be the doctor or lawyer they’d been hoping for.
But it wasn’tAshley’s fault his parents couldn’t love him the way he was.
Maybe…maybe it wasn’t entirely my fault, either.
Grandma flippedthe page a few times, pausing to let me smile at Ashley’s baby photos.By the time we got to him as a toddler, and then preschool-aged, my heart wasmelting. I’d been right about those eyes. No one could have refused him.
