Ezra got the feeling he wasn’t the only one worried about regrets.
“And I don’t know what that means,” he continued. “I really, really don’t. I’ve never felt like this before, not about… not aboutanyone. I always thought people talking about not being able to get someone out of their head were just being dramatic.”
Ezra laughed with just the faintest edge of hysteria.Heknew all about that feeling.
Mike had been the first time he’d felt it too, though.
“I’m sorry,” he said a moment later. “I’m not laughing at you, I’ve… been there before.”
Mike wet his lips. “Yeah, well,” he said. “I’m new at this. I just… I want you to know that I’m not trying to screw you around or anything, I’m just…”
Not ready to be gay, Ezra finished silently for him. He knew what Mike’s hang-up here was. He’d met Mike’s dad once and been horrified by how unpleasant one human being could be.
Mike had spent the whole next day apologizing, so he knew, too. Which had to make this hard for him.
“Mike, it’s okay,” Ezra said, pushing aside the knowledge that this was definitely going to come back to bite him later. “You’re safe with me. You’re allowed to want whatever you want.”
“But doyouwant it?” Mike asked.
Oh. Ezra had been hoping that wouldn’t come up.
Of course Mike cared whether or not he wanted it. He was one of the good guys. The last thing he would have done wasuseEzra, and if he felt like he was, then this would all be over in a heartbeat.
Telling him seemed like a terrible idea. Letting Mike know that he’d wanted this, that he’dalwayswanted this would make him impossibly vulnerable, expose his heart to all the potential heartache of losing him all over again. Hell, Mike might even freak out again and leave immediately if he knew the whole truth.
But on the other hand, Ezra was tired of lying. He was tired of hiding his feelings, especially from a man who seemed to need them so much.
The look on Mike’s face, as open and vulnerable as Ezra was afraid of being, made his decision for him.
“I want it,” Ezra said, reaching up to stroke Mike’s cheek. “To be honest? I’ve wanted it for a long time. You’re… don’t laugh, okay?”
“I won’t,” Mike promised sincerely, his voice soft and serious.
This was a big moment, and they could both feel it, Ezra was pretty sure. The air itself seemed to be pressing down on him, crushing his chest, and he knew how to relieve the tension. He knew how, no matter how scary it was.
Mike deserved this. He deserved the leap of faith Ezra was about to take.
“You were the first man I ever had a crush on,” Ezra said. He’d chickened out of sayingloved, because he wasn’t sure yet that he could mean that anymore. Not the way it would have sounded, anyway.
Ezra still loved Mike as a friend, he’d always mean something to him, but that was very different to pining after him and being heartbroken when he walked away with someone else.
“Oh,” Mike said, and that might have been a terrifying response except for the way his whole face lit up like a Christmas tree, pretty features softening as he let this new piece of information wash over him. “That’s… wow.”
“Yeah,” Ezra shrugged, letting his hand fall away from Mike’s face. They were still soclose, the heat of Mike’s body seeping into Ezra’s chest, and he could have stayed like this. He could have stayed like this for as long as Mike wanted to, until Christmas came and went, until they could hear fireworks overhead ringing in the new year.
“Guess you have a right to know,” he added, tongue getting away from him. There was so much he wanted to tell Mike, but he knew he was already risking overwhelming him. If he wanted this, he needed to be careful. Mike was still just as likely to bolt as he was to stay.
“Well,” Mike murmured, a smile playing around his lips. “For the record, you’re the first man I’ve ever had a crush on, too.”
Ezra laughed, reaching out to pull Mike in for another kiss, letting his fingers tangle in the short-cropped hair. His heart soared as their lips connected again, joy settling soft and warm in his chest. Maybe they reallycouldhave this.
Maybe it didn’t need to be a disaster, after all.
“That answer your question?” he panted as the kiss paused, Mike’s forehead resting against his, the two of them justtouching, just enough to know that the other was there.
“Pretty much,” Mike said, backing off a little way, his eyes glittering as he smiled at Ezra. “So I’ve got a second one.”
“I’m all ears,” Ezra promised, relieved that he didn’t have to pretend anymore that this wasn’texactlywhat he wanted.
“Think we could continue this in your room?”
