23
A knock on his door made Ryan jump, though he’d been expecting it since he ran away from Oscar five minutes ago. His stomach twisted with dread in the pause after, indecision making a response catch in his throat.
Hewantedthis all to be a misunderstanding, but he’d heard that before.
Mostly, he wanted to cry, and throw up, and then cry some more.
He’d been so sure. Sopositivethat Oscar was the reason he’d ended up here, that fate had brought the two of them together, that Oscar was supposed to be his fairytale ending.
Now, he was starting to think that this had been a warning. It didn’tmatterif he was bi. That just meant twice as many people could find someone better.
A second knock told him that Oscar wasn’t going to go away.
“Come in,” Ryan said, his voice breaking on the last syllable. Crying in front of Oscar wasn’t something he wanted to do, but the sting in his eyes was getting hard to contain.
The hinges squealed as Oscar pushed the door open, poking his head inside. “I don’t even know where to begin,” he said. “I feel likeit wasn’t what it looked likeis too much of a cliché, but…”
Ryan swallowed, blood rushing in his ears. He could barely process what Oscar was saying over the shouting in his head that he deserved this, that it was always going to happen, that ofcourseOscar wouldn’t pick him over someone who could guarantee his future, and who wasn’t afraid of alligators, and who was smart and handsome and fun to be around.
Not when his other choice was Ryan, a broke wet blanket who’d spent the first two minutes after he met Oscar freaking out over Spot. Who didn’t go on adventures. Who wasn’tlikeOscar, no matter how much he might have wanted to be.
Freddie was like him, and Freddie could make it so Oscar could keep his home, this place that meant so much to him.
There was really no contest.
“It’s fine,” Ryan said, barely looking up at Oscar, who was still hovering in the doorway. He focused on the peeling wallpaper a foot away from his head instead, the urge to get up and tear it down welling up inside him.
Anything to distract himself from how badly this hurt.
“It’s fine,” he repeated when Oscar didn’t immediately respond. “My divorce settlement came through on Friday, so I guess it’s time I moved on anyway.”
“You’re leaving?” Oscar asked, and this time, something about his tone made Ryan turn to meet his eyes.
“I was always leaving,” he said, unsure whether it was for his or Oscar’s benefit. Maybe if he told himself enough times that he knew this was always temporary, he could pretend…
He could pretend he hadn’t fallen in love with Oscar. He could pretend that he wasn’t having his heart broken all over again.
“You were always leaving,” Oscar repeated, bitter. “Right, of course. How could I forget?”
Ryan swallowed. That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it?
Of course it was. He knew Oscar’s history. He should have known better than to mentionleaving. To say he’d always intended to.
Especially since it was a lie. He hadn’t intended to leave since before Oscar had told him that story, not really. This place was Oscar’s home first, but it was starting to feel like Ryan’s, too, and he’d just left one of those. He didn’t want to lose another one so soon. Not when he was just starting to find his feet.
“Oscar…” Ryan began, wanting to apologize, knowing he’d struck out the way that’d hurt Oscar most. Not because hewantedto hurt him, not even if he reallywascheating on Ryan, but because he was panicking right now.
And Ryan knew, logically, that Oscar hadn’t expected Freddie to kiss him. He’d seen Oscar’s body language, watched him push Freddie away before he realized Ryan was there.
But hisheartdidn’t know that, and seeing it had knocked the breath out of his lungs and reminded him that he wasn’t enough. For anyone.
Why should he be enough for Oscar? Especially after he’d just said the most insensitive thing he could think of. He didn’tdeserveto have someone like him.
Freddie was better for him.Anyonewas better for him.
Everything he’d thought he had was crumbling in front of him. That was a lot to handle.
But that didn’t mean he shouldn’t have been careful with Oscar, too. May hadjustasked him to be.
