“Me neither,” Ryan said. “But… I want you to know that I don’t regret this. In case you're wondering.”
Oscar hadn't been wonderingyet,but he knew himself well enough to know that he would later. In his own bed, tonight, he’d be staring up at the ceiling and worrying over whether or not the next morning would be awkward.
Or worse, whether Ryan would resent him—maybe even hate him—for what they’d done. Because he knew that could happen.
People had all kinds of reactions to their first gay experience. Ryan seemed to be taking his well.
“You wanna talk about that?” Oscar asked, sensing that there were a lot of thoughts swirling around in Ryan’s pretty head.
“No,” Ryan said, backing off another step and grabbing the soap. Oscar watched him lather it on his stomach, his tongue darting out to lick his lips without his conscious permission.
Maybe it was okay if Ryan could see how hopelessly Oscar wanted him. He sure as hell seemed to need that.
“I mean…” he continued. “Not yet, anyway. Maybe some other time?”
“Of course,” Oscar said, wanting to reassure Ryan that he wasn't just going to drop him the moment their little weekend getaway was over. “I'll always be willing to listen. I know this is… heavy.”
Ryan nodded, finishing up with the soap and holding it out in offering. “Yeah, kinda. I'm just… still organizing my thoughts, I guess.”
“Take your time,” Oscar said. “There's no rush to know everything. You've got your whole life.”
Ryan chuckled as Oscar started cleaning himself up. “Probably rather figure this out while I'm still young enough to enjoy sex, but I take your point.”
“Have you at least enjoyed the sex?” Oscar teased. He knew the answer, but that didn't mean he didn't want the ego boost of hearing it.
“Yeah,” Ryan said, blushing as he stepped out of the shower. “Yeah, it's been…” he cleared his throat, apparently searching for the right word.
“Incredible? Amazing? The best you’ve ever had?” Oscar grinned, lathering himself up quickly as he watched Ryan wrap a towel around his waist.
That seemed like a shame. He was a beautiful man.
“Life-changing,” Ryan said meaningfully, his back to Oscar.
Oscar was grateful that Ryan wasn’t looking at him, since that was enough to make tears well up in his eyes. Just for a moment, just as the first swell of emotion overwhelmed him and made his heart clench so hard in his chest that it felt like it was in danger of stopping.
This had meant a lot to Ryan, and Oscar was glad he’d been able to do it for him.
And now they were at the moment where the injured animal Oscar had gently coaxed back to health and happiness got released into the wild, never to be seen again.
No matter how many times he did it, Oscar always felt the loss. More so with Ryan than anyone else in recent memory, though.
He stepped out of the shower, grabbing the other towel and drying himself off, scrubbing his face first to stop it from giving him away. The last thing he needed was to confuse Ryan even more.
“Okay,” Oscar said belatedly. “That works.”
Ryan squeezed his shoulder on the way out of the bathroom, and Oscar had no idea what that meant, but it felt as though the heat of Ryan’s palm had been seared into his skin.
That was probably fine. He’d get over the sense of loss.
He always had before.
