Ben glanced behind them, back to where they’d all walked away from, then took the lead and tugged Sam a little further into the forest, until they were well and truly away from prying eyes and ears.
“I couldn’t stop crying when you left,” Ben said softly. “I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty, but I want you to hear me out, okay?”
“Okay,” Sam agreed. If Ben felt the need to talk, he’d listen. He’d always listen.
“I’d never really cried before then. Not like that, anyway. I’d nevergrieved, I guess. I spent weeks hearing planes fly overhead and fantasizing that maybe you were coming back, and I could apologize for being weak and stupid. And then for a while I wanted to hate you for breaking my heart, but I could never quite make myself do it.”
“Ben,” Sam said softly, pausing to reach out to him. He could feel tears stinging at his eyes.
He’d felt more or less the same way, but was too stubborn to give in. Too angry. Too young and stupid to realize the full magnitude of what he’d been throwing away.
“My point is,” Ben continued. “That I already know what it’s like to lose you, and I’d cut my own arm off before I’d risk going through that again. So I do need to pay attention to what you need, and what you want, and I do need to set aside some of my own hangups. For you, but also for me.”
Sam swallowed thickly, forcing back tears. He didn’t need to be a grown man crying in the middle of nowhere right now, but he was only barely stopping himself.
“I love you, too,” Sam said. “Always have.”
Ben nodded, looking down at his shoes.
Sam hadn’t expected for a moment to hear it back, but if it helped Ben worry less about their future, that didn’t matter. Ben had just told him he loved him more eloquently than Sam ever could have.
Actually hearing the words didn’t really matter.
“I’ll, uh. Work on that, too,” Ben said, looking back up. “Can we talk about literally anything else, now?”
Sam chuckled. Ben was an amazing man, but his emotional stamina was non-existent. Which was fine, too. Sam knew what he was getting with Ben. He knew Ben better than anyone else in the world did, and Ben knew him better than anyone else in the world. Even after all this time.
“Have I mentioned that I like the long hair on you?” Sam asked, changing the subject as requested.
“Uh, I don’t remember,” Ben said, a blush creeping down his neck. “You do?”
“I do. I figure it’s a sign that you couldn’t be bothered getting a haircut, but I still like it.”
Ben smiled wryly. “You know me too well. How far is this walk, anyway?”
“It’s only about ten minutes more,” Sam said, checking the map Ben had given him. “Aside from the weird couples’ retreat, this place is nice. Peaceful.”
“Yeah,” Ben agreed. “Maybe… maybe I could be persuaded to take more holidays. If, uh. If they were with you,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I’ll turn you into a travel writer eventually,” Sam said. “Or die trying.”
“If it’s travel writing or having to drag your body back down this trail, I’ll travel write,” Ben joked. “I don’t know if I have anything interesting to say about that kinda thing. I’m good at sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. Not so much at critiquing the mattresses in far-flung hotels.”
“I’ll help you critique the mattress.” Sam grinned. “You were great in bed, by the way. I’m not sure I made that clear enough.”
Ben cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed. This was one thing he’d just have to get used to being embarrassed about, though. Sam intended to heap praise on him at double the normal rate, to make up for lost time.
“At least I wasn’t a disappointment,” Ben mumbled, looking out into the distance.
“You’ve never disappointed me,” Sam said. “Not once.”
Ben flexed his fingers, still holding onto Sam’s hand. “We were supposed to be changing the subject.”
“Well, we did.” Sam shrugged. “I just can’t think of anything other than how perfect you are.”
Ben laughed softly, his whole face glowing when Sam glanced over at him. He paused, and then turned around, backing Sam up against the nearest tree, pressing his whole weight into him to hold him in place.
Sam’s breath hitched as Ben leaned in, his eyes falling closed as their lips connected. Warmth flowed through him, seeping in from all the points where he was touching Ben, and he reached out for more contact. More Ben. More of everything.
