Chapter Ten
No matter how much he tried, Ben couldn’t get Sam out of his head.
Specifically, being so close to Sam that he could smell his aftershave—a fresh, bright scent that he wasn’t familiar with, but that was exactly as he would have imagined Sam smelled if he’d ever thought about it.
The whole world had shrunk down to just the two of them in that moment. It had almost—almost—seemed like a good idea to turn his head and kiss Sam, to finally give in to all the need and want without worrying about the insecurity.
And then it had been over as suddenly as it had happened, and now Ben was, well…
Confused.
He was really tired of being confused around Sam. He understood everything else in his life, but this was different.
Sam was different.
He’d always been like that. Everything Ben thought he knew about the world and himself, Sam had turned upside down. He’d been doing that since the day they met, and even now, he was still doing it.
Yesterday, Ben would have refused to climb that wall, with no room for negotiation.
But he didn’t want Sam to think he was a coward. Any more of a coward than Sam undoubtedly thought he was, anyway. He’d wanted to impress him.
It had felt like he was up there for years, but he was glad he’d done it now. Especially because it meant he never had to do it again, not for anyone.
“You did good for a beginner.”
Ben turned to see Annie standing behind him. Her approach had apparently been silent, or he’d been too lost in his own thoughts to notice.
Probably the latter. She was small, but she wasn’tthatsmall.
“Uh, thank you,” Ben said. “That obvious, huh?”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she said. “We get lots of beginners here. You gave it a shot, and that’s the important thing. I think Sam thought so, as well. You should have seen the pride on his face while you were up there.”
Ben blinked, taking a moment to process that information. Sam was proud of him?
Or, possibly, Annie was doing her job in trying to get troubled couples back together, and Sam hadn’t particularly reacted at all.
That seemed more likely. Compared to Ben, Sam was fearless when it came to things like that. Rock climbing. Hang gliding.
Being out.
Everything Ben couldn’t do.
Why he continued to insist on hanging out with him, Ben would never understand. He valued Sam’s friendship, but he never really felt like he really deserved it.
“I bet you say that to everyone,” Ben said, hoping to make a joke out of it.
Annie frowned at him. “Do you really think that little of yourself? Because I don’t think Sam does.”
Ben wasn’t sure if he was imagining the note of suspicion in her tone. Maybe it was just his imagination, his fear of being exposed as a fraud coming to the fore.
“I don’t deserve him,” Ben said.
He was surprised that he could say that out loud to a stranger.
Although, maybe it wasn’t surprising.
Ben knew exactly how he felt. He was still as in love with Sam as he had been on the day Sam left, and he was also still exactly as afraid of rejection, of ruining their friendship, of coming out and then realizing that actually, he wasn’t attracted to men after all. That he was just overly attached to his best friend.
