Obviously, they were. That was just how the world was.
The fact that Oz cared so much was the surprise. Seth expected to be missed, but not grieved.
This felt like Oz was getting ready to mourn him, and that…
It was too much. Too much to handle, too much to think about.
It wasn’t Oz’s fault, and Seth would never have asked him to control whatever he was feeling to save him the discomfort of knowing that he wasn’t the only one hurting, but he wasn’t sure he could fully appreciate how nice this was knowing that he couldn’t keep it.
“You normally fall asleep right after,” Oz pointed out. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
Seth swallowed. Oz would still be there when he woke upthistime, but then that was it. He knew what he had to do, and it didn’t include getting to stay with Oz.
He wasn’t strong enough or smart enough to strike out on his own, so that was that. His only choice was to go home with his tail between his legs, beg forgiveness, and allow himself to be convinced to find someone suitable to settle down with.
The whole thing made his stomach hurt.
“I know,” Seth said softly. “Iamtired. I’m just also… thinking.”
He didn’t intend to get Oz’s hopes up. It didn’t take a genius to see how Oz wanted this to turn out, but he could only see his own side of the picture right now. Even if Oz was ready to support him, how long would that last? How long until he got tired of Seth being hopeless and useless?
Oz couldn’t see it now, but he would, and then Seth would have no one. Better to have something—even a miserable something—than nothing at all. Better to go crawling back to his father now, while forgiveness was still an option, than to do it later.
His own cowardice made him sick, but it would also keep him warm at night. Bravery would not.
“If you need to think out loud, I’m listening,” Oz said, kissing Seth’s shoulder again. He moved his hand from where it had been resting on Seth’s side, curling it around his waist, digging his fingertips into the flesh of Seth’s stomach.
Not so hard that it hurt. Just enough to know that he was there, and he was holding on.
It hurt more to break Oz’s heart than it did to break his own.
He could have another day. Just one more day of this, without thinking about where the future was taking them. One more day of happiness before it all came crashing down.
One more day of Oz.
“I’m okay.” Seth sighed, covering Oz’s hand with his own to keep it in place. “The sex was great, as always.”
Oz hummed softly, running his nose along Seth’s neck, pressing a gentle kiss behind his ear. “Gets better every time.”
Taking a deep breath, Seth closed his eyes. Oz was right there. Nothing bad was going to happen yet. They still had time.
He didn’t want to sleep through any of it, but he knew he’d only stress both of them out if he didn’t.
“Yeah,” he agreed after slightly too long. It was still getting better. The more they learned about each other’s bodies, the more they could do to make each other feel good. Oz was generous and considerate, and Seth liked to think he wasn’t too bad in bed, either.
“I love you,” Oz said, barely a whisper next to Seth’s ear.
Seth’s stomach turned. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to hear that Oz loved him more than anything, and it felt so good, so intensely, deeply fulfilling.
But it underlined everything he was about to give up, everything he had to lose.
Seth bit his lip, forcing back tears at the thought of Oz waiting to hear it back, hating himself for knowing he couldn’t say it.
Not because he didn’t feel it. Not because it wasn’t true. But because if he wanted to walk away from this and keep on living his life, he couldn’t let Oz know how much he meant to him. That really would have been too much. Seth wasn’t sure he would ever have recovered from that.
He couldn’t throw away his entire life for a boy.
Not even a boy he loved with all his heart.
