“If Damian and Stephen.” He pauses. “My dad hadn’t shown up. What would have happened, Rowan?” His words are clipped.
I shrug my shoulders, diverting my gaze to the wall behind him. We both know what would've happened. “I would have probably died,” I say the words, and they hit me like a freight train now that they’re said out loud; my body reacts, and fear is instant. Realizing how close I was. How close I was to not having Luca. Of being in the unknown. The cloud of revenge, not present in my mind, lets me see it as a whole now. I swallow, and it feels like I have something wedged in my throat. Mortality. The unknown. Darkness.
“I did something I said I’d never do, Rowan. For us, for you, to keep you safe, I purposefully left a woman locked in a closet and blew the house up. For you. Because I couldn’t chance you being put in harm’s way again. But here you were, putting yourself in it.”
Tears well up in my eyes because I know his stance, and tonight he went against it…for me.
“Would I do it again? I would a thousand times over if I knew it kept you safe, Killer.”
He reaches out, and I fold into his arms, breathing him in, needing to fill my lungs with him. Fuck air. “I love you, Luca. And I promise, never again will I do anything like I did tonight.” Can he believe me? Probably not, but I’ll spend the rest of my life showing him he can. Because I mean it. I don’t want to fight for my life, to kill for it. I want to live it, be present, and enjoy it with him. My body shakes. I thought I’d let myself die with David if it meant David was dead, too. But at those moments, Luca didn’t run through my mind, only my payback. And I hate myself for that. For being okay to leave him alone, once again. “I’m sorry.”
“Can we lay down?” His lips kiss my head.
Enclosing my hand in his, I lead him to the bed. I undress him, pulling the covers back before he slides in, patting the spot next to him for me to lie down with him.
The need to be as close to him is strong; in a hurry, I undress myself, wrapping my body around him when I feel his tremble. Scooting back a bit to see him, his eyes are wide open, tears flowing out of them. “I could have lost you. Rowan, I don’t want to live a life where you’re not in it. Stop doing this to me. Please,” he begs, his body racking with his cries.
Closing the space between us, we cry together. I finally break, letting it all out, everything I’ve been holding, finally able to come to the surface with the realization that I don’t have to fight anymore. Wrapping my legs around him, he holds me so tight; we stay like that all day, our hands roaming, needing to feel the other. Clinging to him, I fall asleep listening to his heart beating.
With each step, the voices grow louder, laughter following. I follow it, leading me out to the back porch where Luca and Stephen sit under the string of lights, drinking a beer, the night their backdrop. After a moment of standing there, "Hi," comes out meekly to my own ears, hating the way I sound. No confidence and not wanting Stephen to think this is who I am all the time.
“We’ve been waiting for you to wake up.” Luca scoots over, patting the seat next to him. A whole different aura surrounds him now.
Out of the darkness, I spot a blurred, running shadow, and the barking starts. “Roxy!” I call her name, jumping on me with all her weight, licking me. I love on her.
“He brought her back for you,” Luca whispers in my ear, kissing my cheek.
I can feel Stephen's eyes on me as I sit, unsureness radiating off me. Surprised by learning he brought my girl home.
“Roxy and I have been friends for some time now.” He bellows with laughter. “Luca,” Stephen points to him with his beer, “let me in on everything.” His smile isn't forced, yet it appears tight. His face dawns with a bit of sadness when he speaks those words. And I know exactly what he meant by them. He knows my story. I look to the ground, diverting my gaze. When I look back up, he’s still staring, but his gaze is unfocused; he’s lost in a memory, and I wonder if he’s thinking of Lauren.
“Don’t do that. Rowan, I hate we had to meet on these terms, but I’m glad to meet you,” he tells me truthfully. But the way he looks at me, his words hold a different meaning:‘I’m glad you’re here.’
I smile at him, not knowing what to say. Everything seems so irrelevant compared to what I want to say.
Stephen sits up a bit more, taking a drink of his beer, before setting it on the table. In the silence, the glass being placed on the glass table sounds so loud. Rubbing his hands tighter, “I’ve been here. I didn’t want to interfere with Luca and what he had going on. I stayed, watched, and waited; I was able to stop what you both didn’t know was here…”
And Luca’s words from the room replay in my head, ‘They found us.’I can’t help the question that escapes. “The fire pit?”
He looks at Luca and then at me, before I see Luca nod his head, giving him the go-ahead to tell me. “I can’t be sure, but I suspect it was rigged. The one time I had to be called away,and something happened.” His words come out clipped as if he’s mad at himself.
I know my face is full of confusion. “Why hide?” I place my hand on Luca’s thigh.
“It’s complicated. Call it a father’s sin, because I thought I knew what my son needed, and I was very wrong. I thought keeping my distance, watching, would be best for him. What he needed was me here this whole time, to know I was here. Not to be alone… Well, until you, that is. But I came at the right time.” He finally smiles widely, and I see that same tooth that Luca has, appearing like it did that night at the gas station.
He doesn’t have to say it; he thought Luca would have been better off without him in his life. His own pain marred his reality for him and his only child, now. His son.
Luca’s hand squeezes mine, as if he had heard what I thought and agreed with me.
“Well, Stephen, I hope you stay around.” And it’s the truth, I hope he does for Luca. “And next time, don’t take the expensive steaks.” His laugh meets my ears, thankful for the sound. Before I enter the house, I look back. “Stephen,” I can see his body maneuver to see me in the porch light, “the glove?”
“Roxy likes to take things that aren’t hers.” He chuckles. As I remember, theSLSstitched into them. Stephen Stonewall.
“What’s your middle name?” I ask curiously.
Both he and Luca speak in unison, “Luca.”
“Thank you.” My thank you is for more than answering the question. It’s for all he’s done. Leaving him and Stephen alone once again so they can catch up. I didn’t have to elaborate on why I was thanking him; we all three knew.
