He grimaces and has the decency to look sheepish. “I don’t know. I think I must have known on some level. You were looking at her like she hung the damn moon. And she’s the viper. I was just reminding you how she can be, I think.”
My jaw tightens and I give him a dirty look. “I didn’t need that. I know who she is better than anyone. What she needed at that moment was for someone to see her for the woman underneath the mask.”
“I’m sorry. It was kind of dickish.” He scratches at his chin, lips pursed in thought. “So the question is, why is she running from you? She’s single. You’re a good guy. She keeps coming back, so she’s clearly into you. She could take cases anywhere in the city, so what the hell is the problem?”
I rake a hand through my hair. “Hell if I know. Maybe somebody broke her heart. All I know is she keeps me out.”
“Look,” he says, pausing to take another sip from his drink, “maybe you need to give her a reason to figure it out. Or maybe you need to give yourself a reason to walk away. Start dating again.”
“I don’t know. It seems unfair to drag someone else into this shitshow.”
“I’m not saying go out and propose to the first woman you meet. Get a couple good dinners. Maybe a nice makeout session. Just think about it.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
We change the subject and keep drinking till we have a nice buzz going. The ride back to my apartment is quiet, the city flickering past the cab window in streaks of neon and headlights. By the time I unlock my door, I’m exhausted. But I can’t get my mind to settle. All my thoughts are on Ava. Her on the ice. Her at my table, barefaced, and wearing my sweatshirt. Ava snapping at me like I was a stranger when Adam was watching.
I strip down, toss my clothes in the hamper, and head to the shower to wash off the day. I try to ignore the toothbrush and toothpaste I’d left sitting out for her on the sink. After I dry off, I drop onto the couch instead of heading to bed. My phone glows on the coffee table, and for a long moment, I just stare at it.
Adam’s voice echoes in my head:Give yourself a reason to walk away.
With a curse, I grab it and swipe it open. The dating app is still there, a red notification dot on my inbox next to Marnie’s name. I open her profile and look at her picture again. She’s bright and smiling, with a sweet heart-shaped face and bouncy blonde curls. She looks like someone who probably bakes banana bread on Sundays and remembers everyone’s birthday. Someone who is probably the exact opposite of Ava.
My thumbhovers over the screen, hesitating. Every instinct screams that this is unfair—I’ll be comparing her to someone she can’t possibly compete with. But Adam’s right. If I don’t at least try, I’ll just be stuck in Ava’s orbit forever.
So I type.
“Hey, sorry for passing out on you last night and just now responding. Let me make it up to you when you’re free. How about meeting up for a coffee or drink sometime soon and getting to know each other?”
It’s not long at all before my phone dings.
“That sounds great. What are you doing tomorrow?”
I have to think about how I want to respond. Is this really what I want? I think it is. Besides, she seems like a nice girl, and I’ve already set the wheels in motion. I can at least meet up with her for coffee.
“I don’t have any plans. Would you wanna meet at Grindhouse around 5? Coffee and donuts? Or we can get something harder if that’s your thing. Maybe go walking around after and take in the city some? I think it might be a good ‘get to know you’ atmosphere.”
She responds quickly again. It’s nice to have someone that seems like they might actually want to talk to me.
“Sounds great! I can be there earlier if you want. Just message me here when you get done with your day, and I’ll be there ASAP. Can’t wait! ??
I hate how guilty I feel, like I’ve done something wrong. But sometimes the only way out is through.
Chapter Fifteen
Ava
I can’t seem to get warm, no matter how hard I try. It’s like the cold from the rink settled into my bones and refuses to let me go. I tried a hot shower, and now I’m bundled up in Mark’s sweatshirt, which I thought would help, but it isn’t. His scent is already fading because I wore it most of the morning. Now it mostly just smells like me.
I sigh, burrowing further under my heavy throw blanket. I hear a soft “mrp” sound, and Valentino jumps onto my lap and starts a very serious biscuit order on my legs. I reach out and run my fingers through her soft fur, listening to the loud rumble of her purr.
“It’s been kind of a shitty day, V,” I whisper to her.
My body feels heavy, like it’s weighed down by concrete. I’ve battled depression for most of my life—another glorious side effect of having to hide who you really are—and tonight is no exception. I want to lie here wrapped up like a burrito in my blanket and never move again.
When I left Mark’s this morning, I’d been leaning towards letting him in. I’d been a mess, but I’d thought about all the times my therapist had suggested that I consider being open with him. But I’d been all twisted up in the logistics. How could I make him understand why it’s so important to keep my secret? Would he see how wrong he’s been to stay neutral against what happens to omegas every day?
So I went to the rink, the place I always go when I need to clear my head. The quiet there helps drown out the constant internal noise. Losing myself on the ice does more for me than therapy in a lot of ways, at least when it comes to actually sorting through what I am feeling.
