Fuck…
October 6th
Hot chocolate—she likes hot chocolate just like me.Curious, isn’t it?I could tell how uncomfortable she was, but I was sure of one thing: I could read her; she wasn't in love with her boyfriend.I could definitely sense that.
October 28th
I kissed Jessica, but I thought of her.And she watched.I could see her eyes on me, on my tongue.Fuck, I wanted it to be her.I know, I know I messed up.I shouldn't have gotten together with Jess, but I think she understands it's just for fun.
This is a fucking torture…
November 13th
I could lose everything; I could lose her.
I had to do something.I had to stop her from telling the principal the truth.Damn, V, how many times have I asked her to stop, to stop supporting whatever sick thought pops into Clous’s mind?
I could smell her scent as I leaned toward her on the bus.I could hear her heartbeat racing for me.For me… Her touch made my body crave her so badly I had to hide.What the hell is she doing to me?
December 8th
Reckless decision.My fucking impulses…
I promised myself I would stay away from her at the concert, but her moves hypnotized me completely, drawing me in to close the fucking distance between us.I wasn't thinking; I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her so hard that I would suck the last breath out of her.And I almost did; I touched her hand, but then I saw Jessica, and I was almost caught.
Stupid decision, definitely stupid!
December 15th
I quit smoking, and that made me a psychopath.I drove to her house and saw her dad leave.I knew she was alone.Damn impulses.They will kill me one day.
I knocked at the door, and she opened it in her pajamas.Even though she looked ridiculous, I wanted her, with and without those clothes.The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was staying seated on that sofa and not moving to kiss her and claim her right there.It took all the strength that I had; I thought I would explode.
Her dad walked in… Fuck… Awkward…
January 3rd
I finally kissed her, and to my surprise, I managed to keep my hands to myself and not rip her clothes off.I didn't realize I had so much self-control.In my fantasies, I've imagined undressing her countless times—claiming her in the school corridors, in the bathroom, on the bus, in my car, in her room, in mine.Just the thought of her is enough to make me explode.I've fallen for her like an absolute fool, but deep down, I knew it would happen.I might sound naive, but I believe in soulmates, I believe in that shit, and she feels not so much like something I want, but as a part of me that was missing.A part that was empty until now.
I went to London to spend Christmas with my mom and her new husband.She's been a bit distant, which kind of hurt, but V was there—the only one who truly cares about me.My mom seems to view me as a troubled kid, just like Dad.Fuck it.Next year, I'll be in New York, and I'm taking V with me.There's no future for her here.Clous is a bad influence, and Jake is in love with her, completely unaware that she isn't interested in guys.That just adds to her burden; she can't show who she really is.Only in a bustling city where people are indifferent will she find the freedom to be herself.By the way, I got a new tattoo in London.Impulsively, the right kind of decision.
January 13th
She knows… I'm going to lose her.
She knows about the moron I had beaten.I will have to tell her everything…
Fuuuuuuuuck!
Feb 14th
I'm a coward.I didn't show up at school today.I was scared she might be expecting something.Something I was afraid to give.Yes, I fucking love her.More than I could begin to imagine.But voicing that to her feels so terrifying it makes my stomach twist.A creeping thought rooted deep inside me: if I tell her, if I surrender to this feeling, the consequences will be devastating.I will hurt her eventually.I just know that…
March 12
The last time I cried was when Mom took V and left us behind.It was my fault; if I had just kept my mouth shut, Dad would have never found out.But deep down, I knew she would have left eventually.
So, as I was saying, that was the last time I cried until today.It was an intense day, the fucking worst and the best I've had.I thought I had lost everything and had already packed my bags to move to London.Then Luna stopped by, and while I was on the stairs, I overheard her telling my dad that she loves me.In that moment, I realized that was everything I had ever wanted.I'll always remember how fiercely she fought for me.But convincing my dad is no easy feat, especially once he sets his mind on something.
