Chapter One
Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri was hot as hell inthe spring and even hotter in the summer, which happened to be thetime that Ryan Gracin arrived for basic training. The first thinghe realized was he damn sure wasn't in Ohio any more, and secondly,there wasn't a pair of ruby red slippers to get him homeeither.
Their arrival was a rather low-key affair forthe Army. Only two Drill Sergeants met their bus. Ryan was jarredout of peaceful sleep by the gruff no nonsense screams of he whowould later be known as Staff Sergeant Robert Beaver.
“GET YOUR PANSY FUCKING ASSES OUT OF THIS BUS,ON THE FUCKING DOUBLE!” roared the voice of the graying Sergeant.“WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING PUSSIES WAITING FOR, A FUCKING ENGRAVEDINVITATION?”
The sounds of several recruits saying 'oh shit!'and 'I think I seriously fucked up when I signed up,' could beheard chorusing throughout the bus.
It was mid-day and the heat was oppressive. Thesun glared down on the new enlisted men, and most of them werenearly panting. Bags were grabbed, and they all lined up. Ryan tookthat time to glance at both Drill Sergeants some more. One was anolder man, whose hair was turning gray, and he looked like he wasat least thirty years older than Ryan's own twenty-two. ‘Beaver’was proudly announced on the man's name tag, which Ryan foundreally hilarious for some reason. It wasn't all that surprisingthat he actually giggled.
For a man that looked to be old...old, he movedlike the freaking wind. SSG Beaver was not only in Ryan's face inno time flat, but his rounded hat was inches from Ryan'sforehead.
“Oh, look, Drill Sergeant Roach, we have apretty boy who likes to make jokes. Is there a joke you want totell the class, pretty boy?” Beaver called to his buddy. “Tell us ajoke, funny man.”
Jeff Roach was shorter than Ryan by at least afew inches but when the man stood at his side, Ryan felt honest toGod fear. “Hell, son, I love a good joke, tell us a joke.” Thevoice was so soft, and so smooth. It sounded like the guy reallydid want to hear a joke.
“Oh wait, I know a great joke, Jeff. Stop me ifyou heard this before. There once was a man from Nantucket...”Beaver said, still staring at Ryan. “Now, tell me the joke, son. Weall love a good joke around here.”
Ryan froze. He could feel a giggle wanting tocome out of him. He tried to picture anything that didn't involvethe two men in front of him, ‘cause he was a giggler when he gotnervous. He was the guy at whom everyone glared at funerals becausesomething struck him funny, and he couldn't stop laughing. Thegiggle threatened even harder when the gray-haired man puffedup.
“I said tell me a fucking joke, unless I'm thefucking joke. Am I the fucking Joke, Private?” Spittle came fromthe shorter man and landed on Ryan's chin.
That was all it took. One minute he wascontaining the giggle, and then next he burst into hystericallaughter.
“I'll be fucked; I think he thinks you are thejoke, Robert!” Roach exclaimed. “This little fucker thinks you’re ajoke.”
Ryan paled, even as he laughed even harder. Ohfuck, they were going to kill him, and make it look like a trainingaccident.
“Oh, so I'm the fucking joke? Do you think I'mthe fucking joke, Private?” he asked, sincerely looking hurt.
Ryan tried to speak, but those damn nervousgiggles kept on coming. He took a deep breath, and managed abrief-- “No, Sir. I don't think you’re a joke!”
Jeff let out a breath of disgust. “Oh, so he'sfucking lazy too?”
Robert's eyes widened and he suddenly lookedlike he was ten feet tall. “So, you think I'm not funny. That'swhat he said, Jeff. He thinks I'm not fucking funny, and I'mfucking lazy. Little bastard.”
Ryan blinked. What the...Shit. “You’re funny,Sir,” he added, hoping to keep the man from having a heartattack.
“So, I AM a fucking joke?” Robert snarled. “AmI, a fucking Staff Fucking Sergeant in the greatest Military in theworld, a fucking joke to some fucked up little piss-ant of apussy?”
What the fuck? Ryan could feel the giggles stopinstantly. Now, what was he supposed to say? He would kill hisfucking recruiter; they didn't mention that nothing he said wouldbe right. “No, sir, you’re not a joke, but you are funny?” Ryanfinally answered, praying that was the right thing to say.
“Oh, so now you want to be a funny man? I swearto fucking God, the Army is so hard up, they send us fucking funnymen to serve this great nation,” SSG Beaver said, shaking his headsadly.
“I would be more pissed at being called lazythan a joke,” Jeff offered.
Robert paused to consider it. “I'll give him apass on that one. Seeing how he doesn't know that officers arecalled Sir, and I'm a Staff Sergeant, so maybe he doesn't realize Iwork for a living.”
And, just like that they both stalked off andstarted in on a guy named Brendon or Michael. Ryan let out arelieved sigh.
***
A week later, Ryan finally figured outsomething. He did not want to be in the United States Army, becauseit was blatantly obvious that the men that were already in wereabso'fucking'lutely crazy. He was quite sure they were perfectlynormal before they went in, but something about this job had sentthem straight to Lala land. They were finishing with reception, andwould be doled out into their new units when they actually went tobasic. That was another fact that his recruiter never told himabout. This was supposed to give them a taste of military life.Instead, they stuck them with two men that could have beenstand-ins for R. Lee Emery during ‘Full Metal Jacket.’
He had met and become fast friends with anotherguy, who hailed from Oklahoma. Patrick Smith was the cool guy Ryanwished he could be. He took everything in stride. A Drill Sergeantyelled at him. He just said 'yes, Drill Sergeant' and that wasthat. He didn't giggle like a girl when he was yelled at. He didn'tcry like Brendon Murray did when SSG Roach told him that his girlwas probably out fucking some guy named Jodi. And he didn't cussout SSG Beaver, just because he thought he could get away with it,since his daddy was a Major, like Kenneth Roslin did. Later hecried worse than Brendon did when both Drill Sergeants schooled himon Military manners. SSG Beaver and DSG Roach were fucking insanemen who thought that yelling and screaming were the only twoavailable forms of communications. On the first day, they went andhad all their hair shaved off. SSG Beaver made it a point to tellRyan he looked like an ass end of a St. Bernard. On the second day,they got their new uniforms, and graduated from fucking pussies tojust plan ole pussies.
It didn't surprise Ryan at all when they wereall lined up, in their perfectly pressed uniforms, and told theywere going to go see “Big Daddy”. Shit you not, they said BigDaddy. Patrick even mouthed the name back at Ryan.
