“Well, since we’re just spilling secrets to practical strangers, my big scary spider is that fact that even though I am an extremely accomplished woman, I am terrified of ending up alone. When Josh proposed, I wasoverwhelmedby the idea that love had finally found me,” she says with a dramatic wave of her hand. “But when I breathe in the general direction of thinking I could end up alone, I have a list of fifty reasons why any guy would be lucky to have me. I agree with everything on that list. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve only had one serious boyfriend and the fact that that boyfriend, turned fiancé, was murdered while he was busy wanting more. More than me.
“Because like I said, cheating is about wanting more or wanting it all, so clearly I wasn’t enough. And I know how that sounds, but it’s how I feel and the few times I’ve even dared breathe a word of something even close to that to my friends and my sister, they rush to assure me that it isn’t true. They can’t explain how to rebuild trust for myself when I can’t even yell at the person who hurt me. So now I feel both undesirable and stupid. That, boys, is my spider.”
I look at her as she takes a deep swig right from the wine bottle. And then I look at Shaw as he turns to me. Now is not the time for either of us to mention how good she looks in that night shirt.
Four
Brooklyn
I’m doing it again. Being too much, too soon. I know what Chris and Vaughn are thinking and what impression they are going to have of me when they leave.Oh, Brook’s great. She’s strong. She’s bold. Boy, is she funny. She’s going to be fine. I don’t know why I thought meeting them would help. I just added two more to the list of people standing on the other side of the chasm between me and whatever I need to regain my sanity.
I know I won’t heal overnight. I know I’ll never fully be the same.
I see it with the victims I try to fight for every day in the courtroom. Time doesn’t heal shit. Time just allows for more room for pain to twist and fester unless you work really hard at it. It’s a constant battle that shapes and reshapes you over and over again. You never get over trauma, you just learn how to deal with it.
And that’s what people don’t understand. I’ve been hurting for so long. I’m still hurting from losing my parents and years of thinking I might lose Liz too. To lose Josh like this and to think he never really loved me at all? It’s too fucking much.
I ache all the time and I see now, looking at Chris and Vaughn, knowing that when this night is over and they go home to each other, I am truly alone. This is why I can’t go to therapy, because I know what a therapist will say. I know what tools they will give me. I’ll forgive myself over time. Like how I finally stopped playing the what-if game when it came to my parents. I know, one day I’ll look back on this and know it wasn’t my fault. I’ll be able to say Josh was the asshole in this situation. I’ll be able to say it with no hesitation and know that he made a choice, a choice that would have hurt me in different ways if we’d made it down the aisle.
But for now, there’s just pain. There’s hurting and self-blame and this bone-deep desire for someone to actually love me. To be in love with me. To want me and to mean it. That’s the tricky detail I’m not ready to tell a therapist or anyone really, because no one can fix it. No one can make that love appear out of thin air. It’s not just that I’m hurt by what Josh did. I’m terrified of the future because of it.
“Brooklyn?” I look up at the sound of Vaughn’s dangerously deep voice. For all I know, he’s a complete asshole. Maybe he’s controlling, inconsiderate. Maybe he never puts the toilet seat down and Corrine was just sick of it, but I highly doubt any of those things. Since the day he first approached me, I knew there was something about Vaughn Coleman. Something warm and kind. Honest. It’s what made me think contacting him was a good idea, but now I know I’m just wasting his time.
“Vaughn,” I say.
“Do you want us to go?”
“No.” I shake my head as the word rushes out of my mouth because I don’t. I like Vaughn and Chris, even though he had a bit of an attitude at first. I get it. Strong silent type who’s more comfortable with a warehouse full of wood than talking to a stranger about his feelings. There’s warmth there too, though. You just have to get close to him to access it. I think he and I have a lot in common. Not that it matters. “I think I just—maybe I came in a little hot.”
“Nah, you’re good,” Chris says.
“You guys hang out. We can order more food if you want. Unless you want to go.”
Vaughn looks at Shaw for a fraction of a second before his attention is back on me. “We’re in no rush. We can chill for a bit.”
“I want to keep talking to you, I—”
“You chill. We can do the talking,” Chris offers.
“I can live with that. Or if you want, we can say fuck it and go roll around in that king bed over there.” I let out a shaky laugh, feeling like a whole fucking fool for blurting such an inappropriate thing. You can’t ask two guys you just met to fuck you. I mean you can, but in this situation you probably shouldn’t. It’s too late now though.
My words are out and Vaughn is looking at me with what can only be described as pity in his eyes. Just what you want from an attractive man, even if you’re only joking about having sex with him. And I was definitely joking. I lost my libido with Josh. There are still hints of arousal here and there, but I know I can’t perform. I’ll freeze up and probably start weeping. But Vaughn doesn’t know this and he’s still looking at me. The pity is still there.
“Have you been with anyone since?” he asks gently. It’s a stupid question because of course I haven’t, but I can tell he means well.
“No, I have not. How about you?”
His eyebrows come together as he frowns. He’s not sure if I’m being serious or not until Chris pauses and looks over at me.
“Right. Duh. You two. Sorry.”
“You’re good,” Chris says.
“I think I can speak for the both of us when I say we would love to spend the night with you, but—” Vaughn says.
“You don’t think going from being dumped via homicide to a casual threesome would be the best idea,” I reply, ignoring the way my panties have basically flooded at the idea. Is it fucked up in the extreme? Yes. Would I love to get my back knocked out by two men as attractive as Chris and Vaughn? Hell yeah. But he’s right. That would just invite more confusion that would leave me more empty inside.
I have needs. Real needs and Vaughn Coleman and Chris Shaw aren’t the people to meet those needs. I need to come to terms with this. I need to wrap my head around the fact that I am in this alone. I have to get through this on my own. Hopefully on the other side, there’s more joy and a hell of a lot less pain. And sex I might actually enjoy.
