“I take what time I can with him and that’s all I can do. You should do the same thing. Do you like being here with us?”
“I do. A lot. I’m having the time of my fucking life. And please don’t tell my sister that, ’cause going upstate to her house is fun and all, but it’s not quite like this.”
“I promise not to contact your sister. I like having you here and I know Shaw does too. If you want to come hang out with us some weekends, then let’s keep doing that.”
“Yeah,” she says.
“There’s more.”
“Of course there’s more. Do you see me? Do you see this face? Do you see all these emotions?”
I laugh as I smooth my hands over her shoulders again. She relaxes into my touch as I massage her skin. “Tell me, tell us, when you’re ready.”
“I will. And what about you? You seem to be handling all this perfectly well. Please tell me you’re struggling with all kinds of difficult emotions your therapist will love to hear about later.”
“You know I am, but I’m trying to take things slow. In the name of honesty, I don’t want to scare you. I can come on a little strong sometimes. It’s why I feel more comfortable letting Shaw lead.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m very… decisive.”
“In what way?”
“I know what I want and what I don’t. Once my mind is made up, it’s made up. Obviously, if I’m given new information, I can adjust accordingly.”
“So, why do you have to give the reins over to Shaw? There’s nothing wrong with being decisive.”
“Because sometimes it turns people off. Shaw is more patient with that kind of thing. He’s got his own intense way about him, but he seems to have control acting on how he feels.”
“Is that why you came to the funeral alone?” she asks.
“Yeah. It’s why I went to Corrine’s service alone, too. He knew we shouldn’t, but I’d made up my mind that I was going to try and pay my respects to her mother. Didn’t work out that way, though.”
“Okay. So what decisive thing are you holding back from me?” she asks.
“That I could see myself loving you very easily.”
“Shaw said you were quite the lover. He said your heart can seat twenty-eight, easily.”
“He’s not wrong.”
“And how do you feel about that?” she asks. She steps out of the spray and I notice she’s shivering even though I’m pretty warm. I cut off the water and wrap her in one of our beach towels.
“Thank you.”
“Let’s go inside.” I grab the rest of her things and let her lead the way. She encourages me to keep going once we’re back in the kitchen.
“Finish what you were saying. About your max capacity for love.”
“It’s like this. Some people—actually most people—are looking for one person to love. I’m sure plenty of people would like a wide variety of people to fuck, but most of us are looking for that special someone to love.”
“Right.”
“I don’t know if it’s my mental wiring or if I have some sort of weird reverse grinch heart.” She smiles at that. “But I met Shaw and I loved him as much as he could stand it.”
“And then what?”
“I felt like I genuinely had the output to cover four more people. At first I thought it was actually a phase , but now I see that being polyamorous is really important to me.”
