I look at my phone. It’s barely ten o’clock. So much for the all-night fuck-a-thon I was hoping for. I think about texting the girls in our group chat. They’ll take my mind off the continued tragedy that is my love life. Maybe I can meet Noa and Rayna for a midnight snack. For some stupid, stupid reason, I text Shaw.
I just had the worst sex of my life.
A weird sense of shame settles over me as soon as I hit send. Talk about a bad move. I’d made it clear that I didn’t want him in my life. That trying to even be friends with Shaw and Vaughn was something that, not only was I not ready for, but would actively hurt more. Texting him like this? About another dude? It’s just tacky.
I’m sorry,I start to type.I shouldn’t haven’t reached out like— but before I finish, he replies.
He still there?
I stare at the response. Look at the words I still have typed on the screen. I can still send them. I can still apologize and then delete his number. And Vaughn’s number too. I’ve made a lot of progress in the last year, but that doesn’t change the reality of what we are to each other and how we met. I need to leave Shaw alone. I need to turn to my friends and my sister in this time of comically bad sexual disappointment. But I don’t. I delete the apology I started and open myself up to a conversation with Shaw.
No. He just left.
I jump as my phone starts ringing in my hand. I answer with my heart still beating in my throat.
“Jesus, Shaw,” I laugh.
“I just wanted to hear your voice when you explained why you had the worst sex of your life when you could have called me or Vaughn.”
“Well, I think we both know why I didn’t call either of you.”
“But I think I can guess why you're texting me after. What happened?” His voice is so soft and deep. I close my eyes against the sound of his simple question.
“Just an old friend from the neighborhood. The forever-single, always-in-trouble-with-three-or-four-women type. I’m sure you know a few guys like that.”
“More than a few. Was this the first time since Josh?” he asks like he knows that if it weren’t the first time, if I wasn’t warring with weird emotions I couldn’t explain, I never would have texted him.
“Yeah,” I admit. “I guess it’s good that it was bad. The bar is nice and low. It can only go up from here.”
“Yeah, don’t put that shit out into the universe,” he says.
“Good call.” I laugh because he’s right. It’s the same conversation I’ve been having with Noa and Claudia for months. I can want good things for myself. I can want real happiness. I can want whatever the fuck I want. If I want sex to be a part of my life again, why wouldn’t I want it to be good? No use in wishing for mediocre.
“Come out to the Cape and come see me,” he says, his tone easy and calm, like it’s something we do all the time.
“Just like that?”
“Just like that. Vaughn will be here Friday night. You should come.”
“And do what?”
“Whatever you want. My place is on the beach.”
“Public or private?” I ask for some weird reason.
“My neighbors have access to the same stretch, but they aren’t that close and the shore bends. It’s pretty private.”
“So, I come to your place and we go to the beach?”
“Brook,” is all he says. He’s telling me to cut the shit. I know what he’s not saying and if I thought it wasn’t true, I would never have texted him. I want to see him and Vaughn again. When I said I needed to walk, I’d needed time and space. I’m ready now. The specifics are just a little hazy. But Shaw’s trying to make it clear. If I drive up to his place there will be sex. Sex between the three of us.
“You have to promise me something,” I say.
“What do you need?”
“I need you to be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you. If we’re not feeling this, that’s fine, but I don’t want to have a false sense of anything.”
“I can do that. And I know Vaughn can too, but you should talk to him yourself.”
