Rafe just nodded, a muscle in his cheek tensing. “Let’s go downstairs.”
“Yeah, okay,” Sloan said, suddenly nervous about whatever would happen when they got down there.
Rafe flopped on the couch and let out one hell of a sigh, stretching his long legs beside him. She felt like she could fight a bear after sending that final email, but she’d only done what she could for herself and her kids. Rafe was probably in a different head space.
“How you feeling?” she asked tentatively.
“Still pretty fucked up, to be honest. Did you talk to your mom?”
“Yeah. She has my back, whatever I decide. I told her about us, of course. She wants to talk to you at some point. About us.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.” He closed his eyes and pushed his head back into the cushions. He’d seemed so peaceful reading that children's book and now Sloan could feel the tension rolling off of him.
Sloan wanted him to say something, anything, but she’d spent the last three hours processing and ranting while Rafe had been taking care of her kids. He needed that chance now. So Sloan sat there and waited.
“Can I be honest with you?” he said suddenly.
“Yeah, of course.”
“If no one else had been there, I would have fucked him up. He wouldn’t be walking right now.” Rafe didn’t lift his head, but he opened his eyes and looked at her. “I’m proud of myself for keeping cool, though. For his sake and mine.”
“I am too. Things would have been a hundred times worse if you’d stooped to his level of BS.”
Rafe’s throat contracted and he closed his eyes again. He let out another deep breath and sat forward. Sloan kept her eyes on him as he scrubbed his hands through his hair, then scratched his beard.
“I wouldn’t do another minute as a guest of the county for someone like him, but I was this close to doing it for you and the girls,” he said, blunt and to the point. “And I’m trying to figure out if that scares me.”
A massive knot tied itself in Sloan’s throat. She knew any man who thought she and her kids weren’t worth fighting for was not the man for her, but this was different and Rafe knew it. There was flexing, bravado, words exchanged between men and then there were the two different sides of the violence coin. Drew had picked his side and Rafe was making it clear what his side meant to him. It meant approaching a situation with a level head and choosing to be the better person, no matter how badly he wanted to prove a very specific point. Rafe knew the consequences though. He’d gotten a real, no-fucking-around taste of the consequences. Drew didn’t know how lucky he was, on a lot of levels.
Sloan wiped her face, catching a tear that suddenly jumped out. Their honeymoon period was definitely over.
Rafe scratched the back of his neck, like a nervous twitch. He had to touch some part of his body before he spoke again. “When the Bakers left for Australia, I was going to give up this work for good. I was done nannying. That’s why I was available when Sarah Kato called me. I was going to do something else.”
The knot in Sloan’s throat tightened and started to migrate south. “Oh. What were you going to do?”
“No fucking idea.”
Sloan couldn’t hold back her burst of laughter. That was not what she expected to hear. “Well then.”
“I felt like my life had stalled out and taking that feeling across the ocean didn’t seem like a great idea.”
“And now? I bet being six thousand miles away from this mess sounds amazing.”
Rafe shook his head. “Monica always told me that this is a job. These are not your families. But the moment I met you and Addison and Avery, something felt different. I kept telling myself it was because you weren’t married and in some antiquated, bullshit way, I was filling those shoes. I know that sounds fucked and presumptuous as hell.”
“No, it—”
“I kept telling myself that I was just thinking about how much I wanted you, that I wanted you so bad I wasn’t thinking straight. But that wasn’t it. It was you. You are beautiful, Sloan, but you are so damn smart, and kind, and full of heart and you’re a good mother. You’re not afraid to show people that you’re a great fucking surgeon.
“That snorting laugh thing you do cracks me up. And trust me, I’ve been around plenty of kids I can’t stand and have taken great care of them. I adore Addison and Avery. And I love how much of you I see in them. If you told me to get lost, I would, but I would always think of you guys. I’d always worry about you. I feel like—I feel like you’ve invited me to be a part of your family—”
“We have,” Sloan said.
“No. It’s more than that. I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to say it. I feel like you’re mine.” He finally looked into her eyes. “Not in a possessive, fucked up way. I feel like you’ve taken up this space in my heart that’s just getting bigger and bigger. I feel like the fucking Grinch after he gave in to Christmas.”
Sloan laughed, more tears running down her face. “I know exactly how you feel.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
