“We are,” he told her.
Aside from his mom, those guys and their wives were the only semblance of family he had.
A long moment of silence passed between them, and Van started to think he’d finally managed to scare the woman off. But then he felt something touch the skin on the back of his hand.
When he glanced down, Van realized it was her. She’d reached over and covered his hand with her own.
“Their deaths were not your fault, Donovan.” Kam gave him a gentle squeeze. “The man who ordered the hit…the one with the NSA who leaked your personal information…the bastard who placed thatbomb…those are the ones with your family’s blood on their hands. Those men are the only ones who deserve to live the rest of their lives with the guilt and shame. Not you.” She shook her head, a few loose strands of her dark hair blowing in the breeze.
“I don’t know why I told you all of that,” he admitted, keeping himself perfectly still.
He could have easily pulled his hand free from hers. Hell, he probably should. But he didn’t because…
I like the way it feels.
It had been a long damn time since anyone—especially a woman—had offered him, of all people, any sort of comfort. That it wasthiswoman who made him feel that and so much more.
Was she right? Was it possible for him to be forgiven for the sins of his past?
No, she had to be wrong. Someone like him didn’t deserve forgiveness of any kind. Not after all he’d done.
Putting his young family’s deaths aside, he’d taken countless lives since. Granted they were all full of hatred and evil without even the smallest amount of value toward human life, but their blood was still on his hands.
No matter what Kam or anyone else tried to say, Van wasn’t sure could something like that could ever truly be wiped clean.
As if she could read his thoughts, she curled her fingers a smidge tighter around his as she looked up at him with a hinted smile.
“I didn’t know your wife,” she told him softly. “But I’m guessing she loved you back. And someone who loved you…” Kam paused. “I can’t help but think she would be very proud of the man you’ve become.”
Van yanked his hand free.
Not because he was angry or upset by her words. He’d pulled away because…
I’m starting to believe her.
Somehow this woman was beginning to make him feel that maybe he reallywasworthy of being redeemed. And that was something he didn’t think he could accept.
His wasn’t a soul that could be saved. At least, that’s what he’d told himself for so very long. But now that he’d allowed himself even a second’s worth of time to consider that he might possibly be wrong…
Can’t…breathe.
“I’ll, uh…I’ll be right back,” he blurted, turning to begin the short trek back into the cabin.
From behind, he heard the concern in Kam’s tone when she asked, “Are you all right?”
Van nodded as he lied through his teeth. “Just need to use the restroom,” he hollered from over his shoulder, refusing to look back her way.
By the time he got to the other end of the boat, his chest was tight, and his lungs practically refused to move. He stormed inside the cabin, slamming the door as he marched straight toward the back.
He didn’t stop until he’d locked himself inside the small as hell bathroom.
Shutting the door behind him, he flipped the lock, and then he stood in front of the mirror. With his hands gripping the vanity’s rounded edge, he locked his elbows and hung his head between his tense shoulders.
He needed to breathe.
Just. Fucking. Breathe.
Kam was wrong. He wasn’t worthy of shit. He absolutely didn’t deserve Jenny’s, his son’s, or anyone else’s forgiveness.
