“I would have waited,” she said with a wistful smile. “But I was worried about your father. You didn’t complain about him directly, but it was clear that he made your life impossibly difficult. I didn’t want your relationship with him to get even worse.”
“I was prepared for him to behave badly.” Anthony smiled humorlessly. “I’d been quietly enduring him for years. Yes, he would have raged if we’d married, but I assumed we’d move away from Raines Abbey, so my life would become much easier.” Easier and infinitely happier.
Her face tightened. “What I didn’t tell you was that he called on me at my aunts’ house. He bellowed that he’d heard I was sniffing around his son. I gathered that someone on your estate saw us together and reported it.”
Anthony swore. “What an outrageously vulgar thing to say! And quite wrong.” Their attraction had been completely and dizzyingly mutual.
“I could have survived his vulgar insinuations, but not the threats that came next.” She stopped, pain on her face. “He swore that if I didn’t leave you alone, he’d make your life a living hell. When his heir married, it would be to a bride of his own choosing, and it wouldcertainlynot be a Lawrence. He despised my whole family, root and branch.”
Anthony stared at her. “You should have told me!”
“Anthony, hatredpouredfrom him!” she cried. “Not just hatred. I felt that he wanted meannihilated. He wanted to drink my blood and steal my soul! I spent the rest of the day in my room crying and shaking. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be his child.”
Anthony winced at her vivid imagery, because he’d experienced that himself. “All the more reason to marry and get away from him.”
“We could have escaped, but you have a profound love for your land and your people, and you’d taken it on yourself to protect them from your father’s fury as much as possible,” she said flatly. “Would you have been able to live with yourself if you walked away? He might not have been able to avenge himself on you or me but swore that he’d punish all his tenants and estate workers if you defied him. That he’d burn the fields and slaughter the livestock and even torch the abbey!”
Anthony gasped, shocked beyond imagining. “Surely he wouldn’t have destroyed the source of his wealth, even to avenge himself on me!”
“Perhaps not. But he sounded more than half-mad and utterly convincing.” She shuddered. “He terrified me.”
“Dammit, Diana, you should havetoldme!”
She shook her head, her face profoundly sad. “I couldn’t put you in the position of having to choose between me and your home and people. A broken heart is agonizing, but not as bad as what your father was threatening. You were strong, so strong, but I feared that he might break you.” Tears glinted in her eyes. “I couldn’t bear to be the cause of such disaster.”
He was shaken by a tumult of emotions. Shock, anger, understanding, and, beneath it all, agonizing grief for what they had both suffered. “I understand much better now. But you said my father was the main reason, implying that there were others?”
She shrugged. “Remember how we talked of traveling? Getting away from England then seemed wise, so I did.”
“We had talked of traveling together.”
She sighed. “Even then I knew that our traveling to far places was only a dream for you because your responsibilities tethered you to England.”
“But it was a good dream,” he said softly. A dream of romance and freedom.
She gave a tired smile. “The reality I found was also good, though very different.”
“Were there other reasons that contributed to your leaving?”
She looked away from him. “Not really.”
She was lying; he was sure of it. Given her general honesty, there would have to be a good reason for that, but it seemed a very large leap to go from “I wanted to marry you” to “too late, sorry” at a time when there were no more worldly barriers in their way.
Whatever she was concealing, he doubted he’d be able to coax it out of her today, when they were both shaken by the discussion they’d just had. He drew a steadying breath. “Thank you for telling me that so I could understand the past. Next I’d like to discuss the future, though probably not today.”
Diana shook her head. “We have no future, Anthony. That moment in time when we were young and innocent and uncomplicated is long past. There is nothing more to discuss. Please don’t call on me again. It’s too difficult.”
“It wouldn’t be difficult if you didn’t care about me still,” he said quietly.
“Of course I care about you!” she said almost angrily. “I always will. But that is not a sound basis for the future.Don’t call on me again!I don’t want to see you. Ever. Is that clear enough?”
He was having trouble breathing. “Crystal clear.” Unable to say more and fearing that he might fall apart in front of her, he turned on his heel and left the room.
His coat had almost stopped dripping, but it was still raining outside. Gray futility in all directions.
The Panda trotted toward him and looked up inquiringly. He really was a fine and memorable cat. No wonder Diana loved him so much.
Shedotedon the furry cannonball. What would she do if . . . ?
