“What sort of training do you have to do? I thought you did all that already?”
“Magic,” I said, not wanting to remind him that my power seemed to be geared toward death. The only positives about my power seemed to be the ability to get ghosts to move on, sometimes. They weren’t always willing. And maybe healing Angel. But had that been because he was bound to me, or something I could do for anyone? Had I only been able to heal him because I’d been the one to hurt him? That would be a really shitty power to have. “I sort of have trouble pinning it down.”
Ivan gave me a long blank stare. “Huh?”
“I don’t know how to describe it. I see stuff other people can’t, but only sometimes. I can talk to the dead and sometimes raise them. I can heal, but only sometimes. And I don’t know where to start with any of it.” The truth was that I didn’t want it at all. Change was hard. And after meeting Angel, I thought maybe it would all work out. I’d find a reason for having this stupid power. So far it caused nothing but grief.
Ivan continued to jiggle the worm for a few minutes, both Nox and Peanut Butter taking turns hunting the wiggling fluff. “Grandpa told me about your car.”
Now it was my turn to say, “Huh?”
“Said when you bought it, it was a piece of crap, and you didn’t know anything about fixing cars.”
“Neither did Grandpa.” The memory of weekends spent elbow-deep in engine guts, Grandma bringing us lemonade while reading the repair manual aloud, brought back a lot of good times. “We replaced half that damn engine learning how to fix shit.”
Ivan studied me. “But you kept trying. Even when it blew hot air in July and the radio only picked up polka stations.”
“I can’t believe Grandpa told you that.”
“Now it plays K-pop and metal.”
“Had to upgrade the radio. Mice gnawed on the wires of the old one and we couldn’t keep it working. I hired a pro for that install.”
“Probably a smart idea. We can’t be good at everything.”
I sighed. “I’d like to be good at something.”
“Who says you’re not?” Ivan asked. He got up and put the wand toy away and dropped onto the couch. “Grandpa said you were great as a homicide detective. I can’t imagine doing something like that. Did you wake up one day and say, ‘hey, I’m going to solve murders for a living?’”
“Grandma was really into watching murder mystery documentaries. I blame her.”
“I wish I had a chance to know her better.” Ivan bent to pick up Nox as he’d followed him to the couch. I made my way over to sit by them. Peanut Butter jumped into my lap and headbutted my chin for attention. Ivan buried his face in Nox’s fur and sniffed, then peppered the fae cat with kisses. “Sounds like they gave you purpose.”
“She was there,” I said after a long moment of hesitation and petting Peanut Butter to focus on keeping back the tears that instantly stung my eyes at the thought of losing her. “That day at your house when I showed up to get you.” I glanced up and caught Ivan’s wide gaze. “Her ghost, I mean. It was downstairs. She asked me to look after you. I think she’d been watching since she passed. Maybe trying to figure out how to help? She vanished as I headed up the stairs. Haven’t seen her since. Never saw her around Grandpa. But maybe she thought you needed her more.”
“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
“I worried it would upset you.”
“But this is part of your gift.”
“Seeing dead people? Relaying messages?”
“Sure. You have all these pieces that feel disconnected, but they are all parts of you. Like the car you had to take apart and rebuild. You just don’t know how they fit together yet.”
I stared across the room for a long minute, heart racing as the pain built in my chest. “Angel’s not here because I hurt him. I didn’t mean to, and I guess I can sort of help him heal, but I hurt him. Burned him with my magic,” the confession rushed from me, and I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth. Ivan didn’t need my trauma. “But a troll threw a car at us and I reacted, pulling up a shield. The car stopped, but my magic hurt Angel. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Ivan petted Nox for a while, silent, lost in thought maybe, and it gave me a lot of time to regret everything in my life. He’d be better off in Xavier’s care. I was too dangerous for him.
“When you were working on the car, did you just rip it all apart from the beginning?” he asked.
“No. It ran, which was the most important part. We worked on things as needed. But in the end, had to rebuild most of it.” What was he getting at?
“You focused on one thing, right? Like the radio.” Ivan leaned forward, elbows on knees. “You didn’t magically know cars; you learned. One busted part at a time to learn how to fix it.” His gaze flicked to my hands. “Why would your magic be any different?”
The question hung between us. Peanut Butter’s purr vibrated against my thigh as I struggled for an answer. “Because when the car backfired or wires sparked, it didn’t blow up on someone I…” The words clogged in my throat.
“But you stopped a car, right? That’s huge,” he said. “Maybe instead of trying to fix the whole car at once, you pick a part to fix. Like honing your ability to see whatever it is you see.”
