“Yes, I’m sure you do. Listen, it’s been a good distraction, really, but I think you’ve gone off the deep end here. What you’re saying is so ridiculous. Look, here comes the nurse. Why don’t you just go home? Greg should be here soon. Thanks for bringing me.” He must have known I would not buy into his disturbing fantasies because he walked out without another word.
It wasn’t a nurse, but it was a radiology tech named Susan. She was middle-aged, and she did my ultrasound with the kind of smile that said she knew she would be delivering some bad news. It was the doctor who came in at that moment, a Dr. Hearst, that told me. I had miscarried, and he was very sorry. He said it happens often in early pregnancy, and I shouldn’t blame myself because there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. Greg walked in at that last thing the doctor said, and that’s when I started crying again.
It was all sinking in, the finality of it, and I let Greg do all the talking to the doctor as I slipped into a dark mental abyss. He stroked my hair, and I wasn’t even sure if I was crying anymore. We left the hospital with a couple of prescriptions and assurances I should be feeling better tomorrow. I hadn’t noticed the cramping until that moment.
The drive back with Greg was painful. I wanted to talk to him and tell him everything about how I found out I was pregnant and tried to tell him, but I couldn’t get any words out. I stayed quiet, and he seemed to understand I needed to be silent right now. When we got home, he went into the bedroom, changed the sheets and put me in bed. When I woke up again, it was dark outside. I saw the pills the doctor prescribed next to my bed, took them, and considered going back to sleep. Finally, I walked out to the living room where Greg was watching a football game. When he saw me, he turned it off and patted a spot on the sofa next to him. I sat by him and grabbed his hand.
After three days, I told my husband I had been pregnant. Then explained to him about trying to tell him and the miscarriage. I left out Harvey taking me to the hospital, even though he knew. I didn’t believe what Harvey had told me, but I didn’t want to think about it right now.
“Babe, would you have been happy with a baby?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said. “I’m just sorry I’ve been so bogged down by work that you couldn’t even tell me what was going on. I’m really sorry, Audrey, and I’m going to make it up to you. Next week in St. Thomas I will be all yours, and whenever you want to start trying for a baby again, I’m all in.”
“Thanks,” I said, putting my head on his shoulder.
“But since I had to take off today, and we’ll be gone next week, I have to go into the office tomorrow. You’re feeling better right?”
“Oh. Yes, I guess I’m somewhat OK now.”
“And remember I’ll be gone Tuesday and Wednesday nights.”
“Yes, your business trip to Chicago,” I said, disappointed. I wanted to spend time with him after what I’d been through, but it seemed that I would have to wait until St. Thomas.
“I’ll be right back. Want to watch something?” he said on his way to the bathroom. He left his phone behind, and I did something I’d never done before. I reached for it, put in his four number password, and searched his messages. There were some of his friends’ texts- Jon, Marco, Gordon. Then I saw Natalie’s name. I touched it and there were a string of texts, all work-related. I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding in and put the phone back as it was.
“Let’s catch up on The Walking Dead,” I called out. Nothing like a little gore to distract you from life’s problems. At least I wasn’t being chased by zombies and forced to survive in a post-apocalyptic world.
