I denounced the gods right there.
To hells with Lugda, who refused to pluck me from this bloody mortal body.
To hells with the Protector and the Mother, who didn’t give a damn about my pain.
To hells with them all.
I screamed all my rage in silence until my heart stopped threatening to burst and my skull stopped splitting. Until I heard Neris’s sobbing voice whispering in my ear.
“Oh, Winnie. What have they done to you? We have to get you out of here. Come on.” She started to pull me upright, but I screamed hoarsely.
Neris swore through her tears. She lay beside me on her stomach, her cheek pressed against the bloodied cave floor, her emerald gaze staring into my bleary eyes. “I cannot even fathom how much you hurt right now, but don’t let these fucking fanatics win. Let’s get the hells out of here and get you back home. You can do this, my friend. I believe in you.”
And so, we began the excruciating trek back home.
To a place that never quite felt like home again.
To a soul that never healed.
It had been a week since my disappearance, but thankfully I didn’t need to come up with an excuse—one had already been forged for me. An excuse that had to be backed by my parents, eventually forcing me to study history with a mentor. A cover-up that became a truth. I hoped that the new life I’d been allotted would be uneventful.
Back at home, I tried countless times to get rid of the milky green and white stone that I’d found clutched in my fist when I first awoke in the cave. Yet each time I attempted to throw away the odd gem, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It felt like losing a part of myself. Another thing left unexplained, much like the images that had begun plaguing my mind. Black skies and endless winters.
That damn tree.
I would often find myself walking along the streets of the city one moment, and in the fields of someplace otherworldly the next. Meadows of flowers more vibrant than any I’d seen before would stretch out before me. Then, as though siphoned by dark magic, the flowers would begin to wither, a trail of black traveling across the expanse of the field, the sun darkening and swallowing up all visibility.
When the visions first began, I was certain that the Cleanse had taken my wits. That I was rapidly descending into madness. But the intensity of the visions gradually began to wane, and their frequency as well. Now they mostly appear to me when I’m painting or asleep.
I have yet to understand them, but I’m not sure I really want to.
In all the time I’ve been afflicted with this inconvenience, never has one of the figures in my dreams spoken to me. Not like the curly-haired woman who’d asked for my name. And I’ve certainly never experienced anyone appearing to me while I was wide awake—like the cloaked figures.
With the queen and her heir dead, I sense that something terrible is coming, and though I feel like I’m supposed to do something about it, I fear I don’t have the means.
All I know is that there’s a constant tug within me, calling me away from Barr na Cahar, away from Mainland. Calling me to a life unknown.
Sometimes I feel like I’m walking a tightrope between life and death.
Perhaps it’s my subconscious desperate to get away from my suffocating circumstances, but unfortunately for me, I’m too afraid of the abyss to take a step into the unknown. Neris is completely on board with running away to something better—to freedom.
But I’m trapped here by my own cowardice.
Taking a deep breath, I steady myself.Don’t give anyone the power to deplete your strength, the Dreamwalker said. I slip out of bed, leaving Gruffud spent and fast asleep, and hurry to the connected bath chamber to wash up.
I’ve let others diminish my strength before—in the most embarrassingly literal way. I’ve allowed my soul to be shattered. That’s something I will never stop paying for.
But I’ll be damned if I let Gruffud annihilate what’s left of me. I just need time to earn his trust.
I light the mounted oil lamp sconce and snatch a washcloth from a hook on the wall. Cool water sloshes out over the sides and dribbles down the bathroom vanity as I plunge my hand into the wash basin. I stare at my shaded reflection in the looking glass. Even my eyes have lost their luster. My chest aches and I hold back tears as I start to clean any evidence of my husband from my body.
When I’m scrubbed until my skin feels raw, I gawk at my reflection again, tucking a large ash brown ringlet away frommy face. I press my palms against the vanity and inhale deeply, steeling myself.
It’s time to plan an escape.
Chapter 21
The journeyto the Hallowed Wood and back took nine days. It’s been only a month and a half since I landed on Uldaran shores, but it feels like I’ve been here far longer. Last night, we rested upon returning to the Great Hall, but today, we’re determined to figure out the next steps regarding Siad Nahar.
