“Let me see those eyes when you come,” he says.
They stay open for mere seconds before my head falls back, a shattered cry on my lips as the trace of smoke fills my nostrils. Pleasure pulses deep and strong within my belly, leaving me quaking and whimpering beneath Odgar. Tiny jolts of bliss continue to flow through me almost endlessly. I’m breathless and buoyant and utterly spent.
In the afterglow of my release, I resurface to full awareness with Odgar’s lips against my neck. He pulls out of me with a blissful sigh, and I immediately find myself missing the weight and the fullness of him. Rolling onto his back, he tugs me toward him so that my head is nestled in the crook of his neck.
We both lay still, our chests heaving as our breathing gradually levels out.
I refuse to think of anything other than the utter satisfaction. I know too well how temporary such gratification can be, but I want this to last.
Gods, how I want this to last.
I want to hoard this memory, to replay it when life no doubt goes to shit again. When I’ve forgotten what it feels like to experience something other than brokenness.
The cool air within the sleeping quarters settles onto my sweaty skin, but my body feels too heavy—comfortable drowsiness setting in—for me to care.
But when Odgar runs his fingers through my hair, the act is so tender—so outside of mere indulgence—that I jolt upright as though lightning shoots from his fingers. Odgar looks at me with a mixture of concern and adoration, and I beg my icy heart not to thaw. It’s just sex, I remind myself. A much-needed distraction. An outlet.
Even if this felt so different from any encounter I’ve had before.
I can’t afford to form attachments. He may claim he isn’t afraid of me, but he hasn’t seen the worst of me. We barely know each other. We were supposed to be wed for convenience, not for love, not for … whatever this is.
Clumsily, I grapple for my nightgown, throwing it over my head as I head for the door.
“Carys,” Odgar calls, his low voice firm but not hostile.
I keep my hand against the knob though I don’t turn, even as my skin, my whole body, continues to hum. Like his touch has left a lasting song, an imprint on my skin.
“Did I do something wrong?”
No, you big oaf, you did everything right. Tears sting my eyes as I press my forehead against the door. Odgar’s footsteps pad toward me. “Odgar.” My voice is quiet as I refuse to turn away from the door. “I’mbeggingyou … Do not touch me or ask me to stay.”
He sighs, and I make the mistake of glancing over my shoulder at him. At the pain in his eyes and the confusionplaying over his rugged features. His hands are clenched at his sides, as if it’s taking every bit of his control not to reach for me.
As soon as I open the door to step out of his cabin, a whisper of that voice within me stirs, bringing an odd feeling of impending doom along with it. I step backward and close the door, pressing my forehead against the wood again.
“Carys …” His voice is quiet, and I feel him close to me, but he doesn’t touch me. Because I bloody asked himnotto.
“Fuck me,” I mumble under my breath.
“Again?” he says. “Well, if you insist …” Amusement permeates his tone.
Laughter sputters out of me, followed by the most unattractive, wet hiccup. I turn and step right into his arms. He doesn’t hesitate before folding them around me.
“Stay,” he says as my tears begin to flow.
“You don’t understand.” I hiccup again. “You can’t … fall for me.” It physically hurts to unleash the words. I push away from him, and my back hits the door.
Whatever you don’t want to talk about—it’s festering like a wound inside you, Valdis had told me.
My chest feels too tight, but I need to speak up before I lose my nerve. “I slaughtered my brother,” I whisper. “I was five. I lost control of my magic. And I—” Not wanting to see Odgar’s reaction, I squeeze my eyes shut. Tears gather beneath my lids. “Ellynne was killed, right beside me while Islept. Then Callum, right in front of me. Eefa slit his throat because I wouldn’t give them the information they wanted.” My voice breaks.
Silence expands for a while before warm hands rest on my shoulders. “The one who scarred you.” Odgar’s voice is steady, tight.
I nod, my lashes holding back the dam of tears while I keep my eyes shut.
“Callum and Ellynne are dead because they were loyal to me. My brother. My mother.” The words taste like bile as they rush out.
“It’s not your fault,” Odgar says.
