He did tell me he gets bored easily. I bet that was the most honest thing he has ever said to a girl. He got bored waiting for me. I thought I could drag it out. Put it off. Talk myself into it, but it didn’t work.
Two days of trying to convince myself to enjoy whatever fun Ben could offer ended up costing me my chance at it. The bitter irony would be amusing if I wasn’t so broken.
I told myself if I got one night with Ben, I could go back to my parents and feel better about becoming the old Prue again. I went back and forth with the idea. Part of me didn’t want to give myself another taste of freedom. To never fuck Ben so I wouldn’t know what I’m missing out on. But a bigger part of me wanted to gift myself one chance at a good time.
I know my future is going to be full of lack luster sex and a cheating husband. I deserve one fling. One little memory to hold on to for the rest of my life.
But talking myself into the idea of sex was hard. Even now, as I lie curled up in bed, hoping Ben replies, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of doing it. The only reason I’m willing to try with Ben is due to the countless testimonies on how good he is. It helps that he seemed to find me attractive even after having a vague idea of what I went through.
If I end up not being able to do it, I highly doubt he would be mad. He would simply walk away. It would be embarrassing, sure, but I’d never have to see him again. Never have to be reminded of it.
The silence lets me know that I messed up, though. He wasn’t really interested in me. Probably found some other girl who didn’t make him work for it. That didn’t call him names or push his buttons.
Some girl who trips over herself to fan his ego. Doesn’t call him an asshole. Worships the ground he walks on. And doesn’t have an ex-boyfriend that hurt them.
I lost my only chance at a good time. Now I have no choice but to go crawling back to my parents. Beg them not to make me take Charles back. Go back to being the girl everyone expects me to be.
The thought makes tears well up in my eyes. My chest tightens. The room seems to grow or maybe I’m shrinking. I feel like I’m being swallowed by the darkness around me.
I feel incredibly small. Always have been. Just a tiny piece in a large puzzle someone else controls. I have no say in my life. No agency in my own wellbeing. Only put on this Earth to be a pawn for my parents.
I thought I had accepted that. Thought I came to terms with it years ago. But Charles shattered my acceptance with his fists. Broke my will to quietly accept my fate when he pinned me to the ground and raped me.
Ben gave me a taste of freedom. Now there is a hunger inside me that wants to be freed. A need for freedom and expression. Burying it might kill me, but I know Ben isn’t going to text back. He lost interest already. I’ll never get the chance to feed the beast inside me.
I just have to let it be smothered with the expectations everyone has of me. Find a way to bury it deep inside. Accept that I am never going to be the Prue that Ben thought I was.
Tomorrow, I go back to being pathetic little Prue.
SIX
It’sThursday night and I’m sitting at a table across from Wes at some fancy restaurant. Abbey sits beside him, playing with the straw in her drink and studying her food like at any moment it’s going to come alive and attack her.
“This is nice,” Wes says, looking around the table.
I glance around as well. Nicolas sits next to some smoking hot blond girl, whose name I never bothered to learn. They’ve been dating for a few months, but every time I see her, I can’t help but be shocked he kept her around. She screams groupie. They met at some club and the sex must have been good, because he has been hooked ever since.
Can’t blame him. She is a beauty. Always wearing these tight-fitting dresses that hugs all the right spots. Her make up is done up like a model and her hair teased to all hell.
I know very little about her personality as I tend to zone out whenever her high pitch voice starts talking. Don’t care about anything she has to say. I guess as long as she is making my friend happy, my annoyance with her is a moot point.
Aaron nurses a drink while his fiancée, Stacy, pretends to sip from the same drink she had from before they joined us at the table. She raises it to her lips but never takes a sip. The thing is almost overflowing as the ice melts.
The idea she might be pregnant fills my soul with dread. I don’t want to have to find another rhythm guitarist. Aaron balances me out well. We have good energy on the stage. Replacing him would suck. I don’t want to have to get used to someone new.
Dennis keeps checking his phone. Texting back urgently whenever it buzzes. I’m sure he’s chatting up his latest true love. The guy is worse than me when it comes to commitment. He can never stick with someone longer than a week.
He is always claiming to find the one, just to find something he doesn’t like about her. Or letting some petty problem tear them apart. I’ve tried to tell him it’s better to be single than deal with all that, but he is determined to find the love of his life.
Poor guy still believes in that crap.
“Yeah.” Nicolas nods. “It really is.”
“I’ve been thinking,” Aaron says, glancing at Stacy. “Maybe we should extend the break, you know? Take a whole year off. We could take our time with recording. Really make this next album our best yet.”
Stacy nods and straightens up. Her swollen tits press forward, rounder than ever before. I paid enough attention in biology class to know what that is a sign of. Fuck my life.
“Jesus fuck,” I mutter. The eyes around the table all snap to me. “When is the baby due?”
