I study myself in the mirror again. Completely naked. For the most part all traces of the damage Charles did are gone. There is a light bruise under my eyes. It grows less noticeable each day. A bruise on my collar bone that is a mixture of his thumb pressing into my neck and his teeth biting into me. A few more light marks still trail over my body. Mostly my thighs.
Knowing he cheated on me, then had the nerve to beat and rape me when I got angry about it, made me violently ill those first few nights. Now it just leaves me feeling pathetic.
Ben eased those feelings. Knowing someone still wanted me, that I could still get someone off, made me feel less bad for a little while.
Charles witnessing the scene Ben caused didn’t turn out too well for me. He didn’t report it back to my parents, but he has left me countless text messages. Keeps asking what is going on between Ben and me. I don’t bother replying. He doesn’t get to know. I’m not his girlfriend anymore. Never will be.
I stare at Ben’s number in my phone. It’s been two days since he gave it to me. I don’t doubt he’d come looking for me if I don’t text him soon. I enjoyed him being willing to go to such extremes to get my number, but I worry what happens next time.
I don’t think he is capable of hurting me physically. He didn’t scream abusive, but I’m sure he could cause a lot of chaos if he wanted to. I’m not sure anything could be worse than what Charles did, but I also don’t need any more drama in my life right now.
My parents still text me daily, begging me to come home or encouraging me to reach out to Charles. I always make up an excuse. I know if I go over there, they won’t let me leave, or Charles will be waiting for me so we can all talk it out, like this is something that we can all move past.
I shouldn’t go seeking out Ben at this point. If my parents found out, they would probably disown me just like they did Cameron. Charles would probably kill Ben and I both if he even knew about what happened in the bathroom.
Inviting Ben into this situation is selfish of me, but I could use the distraction. I desperately want to feel good right now. Though I don’t know if I could even have sex with him at this point. If I reach out to Ben, he is going to expect sex.
The bruises on my body aren’t all Charles did. When he raped me, he was very rough, tore me a little. The sting from that has faded, but I’ve been too scared to see if I felt any different from it.
The idea of sex is overwhelming. Ben might have hinted that I gave him a great blow job, but would that be enough for the man every other girl has claimed to have gotten the best orgasm from? Doubtful.
Still, I text him.
Me
Hello, not so tiny dickhead.
I type out and hit send before I can second guess myself.
Time drags on slowly after. It’s Thursday night and I can’t imagine he is doing much of anything. I mean he is a rock star, and I did meet him at a random house party on a Monday, so maybe he is busy. Still, as the hours go by, I can’t help but feel like I waited too long.
I shouldn’t be surprised. We didn’t meet on good terms. I’m not at my best right now. He seemed unfazed by Charles the other day, but maybe with some time to think about it he realized he didn’t want to get caught up in my drama.
I highly doubt I’m worth it to him. Or to anyone.
I shouldn’t have even messaged him. Bringing him into my life would not end well for either of us.
I should just go back to my parents. Try to make them see why I can’t marry Charles. They have to understand my reasons. Knowing what he did to me, seeing the aftermath, they couldn’t really want me to be with a man like that. I know it would be good for business, but deep down, my parents have to love me. They have to want what’s best for me.
I’d marry anyone else they wanted, just not someone who hurts me. There has to be a line somewhere. That has to be the line, and they can’t expect me to cross it. Not for any amount of money in the world.
I’ve done my part. I do everything I can to make them happy, to look good to all their friends, just this once they have to let me have a say.
For years I played the role they needed me to. Took the classes they wanted me to take, volunteered when they needed me to. Dressed up for the parties they went to. Helped with the events they put together. Made sure to get good grades. Stayed out of trouble. Followed the rules. I never complained about the pressure. Never pushed back against anything they wanted.
Just this one time. This has been the only time. And it’s justified.
They have to see that. I need them to see that.
If they accept that I can’t take Charles back, I’ll go back home. I’ll be the daughter they have come to expect. Date whoever else they want. Be the person I was before.
I thought I could use this as a way to reinvent myself. Become someone strong, someone capable of holding power. I wanted to be the person Ben saw. Tough. Bitchy. Confident.
But it’s not possible. I will always be the weak, fragile, people-pleasing Prue.
That person would disgust Ben. He clearly had a thing for girls who could challenge him. If he knew who I was before, he wouldn’t be interested at all.
Though as the night goes on, it appears he isn’t even interested in the version of me I showed him.
