Slowly, my hand inches towards his on the table. He notices but doesn’t move, knowing I need to do this—or not—at my own pace. Once again resorting to old habits, I find myself biting the nails of my other hand. After what feels like an eternity but is probably only five minutes, the tip of my index finger grazes the back of his right hand.
The contact is like a lightning strike to my system. Teddy must feel it too because we quietly gasp at the same time. The tendons in the back of his free hand flex as he grips the edge of the table. I want to run away. I also want to grab onto him with both hands and never let go. Instead, we remain frozen, fighting our instincts to remain in this moment.
Cooper
It’s been a little over two months since my hospitalization, and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. Dr. Krazinski thinks I’ll be ready to start the transition to outpatient treatment in a few more weeks, but I don’t have his same confidence. Mirrors are still hard for me. There are days that I want to cut myself. My negative self-talk has improved, but I’m still a far cry from believing I’m worth something. Doc says that’s all very normal, but I’m not so sure I believe him. Rather, I’m not willing to take the risk that he’s wrong. Not now that I have so much more to lose.
Lane and I have actually become something that looks a lot like friends. He’s an asshole. I’m a snarky little shit. Together, we just work. He’s leaving for rehab in a week, and I actually think I’ll miss him. We exchanged contact information for when we’re both out, and I’m hoping it sticks. I’m trying to follow Doc’s advice and let people in, and if I’m being really honest with myself, I kinda like the idea of having another friend.
Ever since that first visit, Teddy has been coming every week, religiously. He never misses, and if he’s gonna be late, he makes sure the nurses let me know. I don’t think he even realizes how much his consistency means. That’s truly just the type of man he is. He should be here soon, and I’m buzzing with excitement.
“Jesus fuck! You’re more jittery than a cracked-out kangaroo!” Lane announces, shrugging at mywhat the fuckface. “Made sense in my head.”
“Right. Well. No more talking for you.” I stand from the table where we’d been pretending to play cards and start to pace. “He’ll be here soon. Right? Like, he won’t forget. He can’t forget. Not today.”
“What’s today?” Lane asks, lazily tracking me with his gaze.
“Today?”Shit. Curse my big mouth. “Oh. You know…today. Teddy’s day to visit.”
“Yeah. That was believable. What with the way your voice got all high-pitched and shit.”
“My voice did not get high-pitched!” I screech. “My voice is deep. Gruff. Very manly.”
“Okay, Freddie Mercury.”
“Did you just call me a queen?!”Oh, it is so on! Before Lane can respondor catch these hands, the unit door opens, and I hear the voice I’ve been waiting for.
“Hey, LB!” Teddy calls out. I turn to respond, but the words catch in my throat. “Happy Birthday,” he says as he approaches. My eyes are glued to the cupcake he’s holding.
“It’s your birthday? The fuck, man, why didn’t you say anything?” I hear Lane say, but I’m too busy trying not to cry to respond.Spoiler alert: I fail.
Big, fat tears start to leak from my eyes, and Teddy looks distraught. “I’m so sorry!” he stammers out. “It’s your birthday. And I always get you cake on your birthday. Fuck, I should have asked first. I’ll throw it out. Just don—”
“Don’t you dare!” I yell, finally finding my voice. I snatch the cupcake from him and clutch it to my chest protectively with a ferocious glare on my face. “Mine,” I practically growl.
His mouth moves wordlessly for a second before he smiles and holds his hands up in surrender. “You’re right. It’s yours. Why don’t we go have a seat so you can enjoy it?”
Still eyeing him suspiciously, I nod and trail after him to one of the tables by the window. I’d completely forgotten Lane’s presence until he holds a fork out in front of my face.
“I’d ask for a bite, but the way you’re guarding that thing like a rabid dog makes me think that’d be a bad idea. So I’ll just leave the two of you to it then. I gotta go pack my shit anyway,” he says before walking away.
“He’s a smart man. Seems he’s already figured out not to come between you and food.” Teddy chuckles. I just nod as I shovel cake into my mouth. I inhale the cupcake in like two seconds flat, while Teddy just watches me with an affectionate smile.
“That’s the first birthday cake I’ve had since I turned thirteen,” I quietly admit. “Max probably would have gotten me one, but I told her I hated cake. It reminded me too much of you. So thank you for remembering.”
Teddy is no longer smiling. The seriousness of the conversation is written all over his face. It’s in the way his eyebrows scrunch up and the way the corners of his mouth turn down slightly, the muscles there not practiced enough to create a full frown. “I never forgot, LB. Not once. Mom and I had a cake for your birthday every year, on the off chance that you came back.”Fuck. My heart.I want to hug him so bad. Instead, I reach out and squeeze his wrist, knowing he’ll understand.
Cooper
“So, tomorrow’s the day, eh?” Dr. Kranzinski says from where he sits across the room.
“Ugh, don’t remind me.”I know I’m a grown man, too old to be whining, but honestly, can you blame me?“Doc, maybe you need a room here. You’re clearly outta your mind if you think it’s time for me to go home.” I stop my pacing long enough to prop my hands on my hips and shoot him an incredulous look.
He stares at me, thoroughly unimpressed. This guy seriously needs to work on his sense of humor. Heaving a sigh from the depths of my soul, I flop down in the plush chair, landing in a graceful sprawl. “Fiiiiiine. I know it’s time for me to go home, but I’m scared, okay? No… I’m terrified.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Me,” I whisper. Dr. Krazinski waits. “I’m afraid of the voice in my head. I’m afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I’m afraid of the release I get from hurting myself. I’m afraid it’ll get bad again. I’m afraid I’ll end up back here…or worse.”
